✅ The Last New Start [NaNoWriMo2021]

151. Conversation

Tess woke up, and realised with a sigh that her diaper was already wet. Maybe it was just her imagination, but it seemed like since finding out that the problem was all in her head, she had been losing control more and more. She didn't have an excuse anymore. This was something that her own mind was doing to her, and perhaps that realisation had been the last straw, snapping her determination to regain control.

She didn't know if anyone else had noticed over the last couple of days. She hadn't said anything to Gabby, because she knew that the nightmare of teasing would only get worse. She should have asked Ffrances for help; the person who knew more about her mental health than anyone else. But she couldn't bring herself to even ask, and she had put off that question by deciding that she would talk to Spike about the problem first. That made a lot of sense to her. And she promised herself that she would tell him soon; but it never seemed to be the right moment.

She dragged herself to her feet and threw a dressing gown around her shoulders, before staggering to the bathroom, where it would be easier to change.

"Oh... sorry!" Spike gasped, and ducked back into his room. Tess hesitated for a second, wondering what might have upset him so much. But then she glanced down at herself, and realised that the robe had bunched up around her, clinging to the top of her pyjamas. She was crossing the landing with one leg and her diaper clearly on display. And she had wet so much in the night that there was no way he could possibly have missed the fact, even in the half-light of a summer morning.

"Spike, wait!" she gasped, and looked back at the door. She couldn't hide it now; after all the times she'd told him that she was only being a baby when somebody forced her, she had appeared in a wet diaper without any excuse. She walked over to his door, and tapped gently before asking again. "Wait, it's not... I mean..."

"Don't worry," he said. "It's not my business. You get yourself washed and dressed, okay? If you want to talk about it, better to do that once you're dressed."

Tess was still shaking as she walked into the bathroom. After everything that had happened, this was one shock that still made her feel dead inside. She cleaned herself up as best she could, doing things that had become a kind of ritual over the last half year. But this time, she was embarrassed as she had been back in November, when she was still coming to terms with something new. She couldn't bear to tell Spike the truth, but she knew that it was something she had to do. And now, she couldn't put it off any longer.

Today she picked smart-casual clothes without any hint of childishness. She needed Spike to know that she was telling him the whole truth this time, and she didn't want to be distracted by embarrassment. After some hesitation, she decided to wear a diaper as well. She didn't want to embarrass herself like she had at the doctor. It was strange to think about it now, but six months ago she'd found herself feeling childish whenever she put a diaper on. The first hypnotic suggestion, the one that they hadn't properly thought through the consequences of, which could bring her brain to that headspace just by wearing something she saw as childish. She wished that Gabby would have thought about it a little more before suggesting something like that; but Tess had found a way around the problems. Now, for example, diapers were a reality for her. They were to deal with her problems, and she no longer saw them as childish, unless she was choosing the ones with over-the-top nursery prints.

She took a deep breath, looking at herself in the mirror, and reminding herself that she looked like an adult in every way. It didn't take her long to realise that paying so much attention to her appearance was just displacement activity; she was just putting off the moment when she would have to come clean with her boyfriend. The moment she might not have a boyfriend anymore. She didn't want to believe something like that could happen, but she could also see that it would be hard for him to deal with; especially after she had kept it a secret for so long.