Words I'll Never say

How I Wish

God I wish i could have told you how i felt a lot sooner but i never believe in too late. I was nervous because I didn't know if it was too soon. And sure maybe i don't know your favorite color but i notice the way your jaw twitches when you're focused on your game. I notice the way your eyebrow spikes when you're about to lose the game or the way your eyes light up when you talk about your motorcycle or going back home to your dogs. I notice every little twitch and movement. The way you make a joke, then immediately look at me, to see if I noticed, which obviously i did but I wasn't gonna let you know that. I also notice your smile, your eyes, everything. You're not perfect but i honestly find it comforting because you're not afraid to speak your mind. You say absolutely everything and anything that comes to mind and i adore that about you. There's so much i love about you. And I'm not just talking about the way you feel. Im talking about the things you do. The way you call me just for us to do our own things, simply because we enjoy the company. I love the way you yell at your games then immediately apologize for being too loud. I love the way you laugh at my corny ass jokes, even if they aren't funny whatsoever. I love the way that you have our entire first date planned, and to me, that's perfect. These past four months we've spent laughing, talking and just being together has been so much fun. I love the way we instantly clicked and have been absolutely inseparable since. I guess I've been holding out so long because I've been scared. Growing up, i was always taught and shown toxic, scary love. Not what you show me. So it really new to me but i really like it and with you, i cam definitely get used to it. I've fallen for you a lot harder than i thought i would, and harder than i intended to if I'm being honest. And if I'm being honest, the way i feel about you keeps me awake at night. I guess i should have told you right away when i felt it but i wanted to be sure that you definitely felt the same. And unfortunately, I didn't realize it sooner. The other night when you cared me and it was the first time that we had talked about saying those 3 little words. I was so sure of saying i love you then but I didn't even know if you would have remembered it in the morning and when you did, I regretted not saying anything. Or when you almost slipped up, i should have said something then but i kept chickening out. The moment i fell for you was on thanksgiving, when we spent all day together, flirting, playing games and dancing. You even helped me when i got overstimulated and you took me outside to calm down and stayed with me until i did. And at the end of the night, when i fell asleep on your shoulder at the end of the night while you were singing and you let me lay there. As time went on, it only made me fall for you more and more each day and it was weighing me down because i wanted you to feel the same. And when i stopped pushing it down and started accepting it, i felt so much better. Even though i definitely didn't thrill we would make it this far, i was having a blast with you . Then came the day of graduation, where i surely thought that it was over but then you kissed me on the bus. It was something we had both wanted for a while at that point and i knew that I didn't want to forget you. I still remember every movement and moment of that kiss and the innocence of the airport kiss, the "this is simply see you later" kiss. I still think about how perfectly in sync we were together. Still remember the way my hand fit perfectly with yours. I have spend hours upon hours thinking about whether or not you were just a rebound and I realized that you aren't. Maybe its silly but I think that we were supposed to meet. I had a choice to make and honestly it was fairly easy to choose you and I'm so happy that i did. Baby, i love you its as simple as that. We've both been in shitty relationships and we've seen our parents hurt by love so its only a natural response, for both of us to back away, but i had to say something. I had to tell you wheat i have been trying to for so long, without the influence of friends or me being a chicken. Despite the timing, I'm finally saying it. I love you.