Good Evening
I actually do not know how to start this but the reason why i started this Wattpad diary was because i am bored. Also, i really wanted to clear my mind. I don't know if this will help me. But I'll try.
First. Let me introduce myself. My name is Lulu. Just Lulu. And I am one wrecked person. Wrecked? Why? Because I feel hopeless.
I diagnosed myself of having Mild Depression. And i am having a hard time coping with it recently. No doctor checked and diagnosed me with this condition. It just felt i had depression. And I have no plans on having myself checked out because, I'm scared of what my true diagnosis is.
How did my depression started, i think it started during my High School days. I used to study at a science high school that I am not going to name, and shitty things happened to me there. Which actually was caused by me. Exciting right? No.
I felt like i was the bully at that time. I used to be friends with these people. These people happen to be super privileged and loved i envied them. I am a nice person. I'm not gonna lie but i can be unexpectedly mean when i want to. I don't know why but i am. Crazy right?
What happen was i envied this two close friends of mine. If i remember correctly this incident happened 1st year or 2nd year of High school. We hang out during recess and talk lots about other things. We were really close. I happen to know that they were doing something bad. They were creating accounts to cat fish guys from other schools to be their boyfriends. To be honest i should have let them be. But there something in me that wanted to tell those boys that these girls they are meeting online were posers.
What did i do? Dang i am stupid for doing this but, i secretly got into my friends phone and got one of the guys number. I messaged him. Of course introductions and stuff until we became friends. It felt like i wanted to have what my friend had. Attention, i wanted him to like me not her. Why? Because she's a liar. She never really knew that i liked his boyfriend. I was also asking my then friend to reveal everything and tell him the truth. I cared for the guy. Stupid me being so impatient, i told him myself. After that incident, people from my class ignored me. It felt like i did something wrong. It felt like i was at the wrong. Maybe i was? At that time I didn't really care, until they formed new groups that seemed like all of them hated me. We would have group discussions, fighting and everything. Everyone from my batch hated me. That was what i felt. I lost friends. I was a loner. I came to the point that i would do something ridiculous so that they could pity me and would care for me. They got worried but, i was still stupid for doing those. After that i got nobody. I was alone during the retreat, i was alone during the field trip, I've done things that i was so sorry of because i made some of my friends choose over me or her. God i hated myself in high school. If only insecurities and jealousy did not get into my head I wouldn't have done those things. I would still be friends with my past friends. I regretted every bits of it.
I actually transferred schools. I had to, i never told my classmates then why, because i was so ashamed of telling them. My parents business went bankrupt. I'm not saying that i am super privileged but our family was doing okay then until our business went bankrupt. I had to switch school. It was a good thing and bad thing because number one i would have to make new friends which i am not good at being a quiet and unsociable person and two even though my classmates hated me i would miss them and the school.
To be honest i never got to say sorry to some of them until now. I don't think i got to forgave myself for doing those things to them. I was so apologetic to them. I was never a great friend to them and that i regretted so much for losing there trust because they have been nice to me.
I would want to apologize now but now that were grown adults I don't think they'll remember me at all. They'll remember the bad version of me. Maybe. How about the good in me? Is there something good inside me?
————- to be continued
