Good girl, bad game

           Pippa

I sit here, consumed with thoughts of him.

If I knocked on the door right now- would he even notice me? And if he did- would- would he spit in my face and call me a monster? Or would he take me into his loving arms and tell me it will all be ok? That's the thing with Ravi- he's always been predictable, but now- in this moment, he's completely and utterly unpredictable,

So unpredictable that it makes me nauseous- he probably would scream in my face for ripping his heart out- how I shredded it into tiny pieces- ever since that day- that day 5 years ago in the forest, when I left him to save us both, when I left for uni- ever since.. ever since I've only thought of Ravi- thought of how he's doing, that day I knocked on his door when no one thought more than him being Andie Bell's murderer's brother, I wonder if he'd spare me if not for crushing his heart in two but for that gratitude alone- for uncovering the truth.

I place my hands, clammy and warm with sweat- on the window, the glass steams up, I see him, he looks older- with his whisky dark river of hair, that milky brown skin and those eyes- the colour of Cadbury's chocolate buttons- as he holds her hand- as he holds a girl's hand, watches tv – I am surprised to find its love island- Ravi hates love island! It makes me want to rip that girls face in two- I tried months to get him to watch it, and the fact he's just sat there, watching it with her- it's fucking insulting that he'd endure it for her, and not for me- not for the girl who hunted day and night for answers- to make it so he didn't have to hide anymore- that he could be Ravi, not just the brother of a serial killer- it enrages me to see him with her.. with Nat fucking da silva.

I purse my lips- tears rip down my face like feathers In the soft July wind, I dig my nails so deep into my palms they draw blood,

"Shit"

Ravi turns to the window.

"Fuck fuck fuck!" I duck down before he can see me, revise my note.

"Hey Ravi- it's Um.. it's Pippa- Pippa Fitz-amobi- you remember me right? I – I uh- kind of helped you solve the case of Andie Bell? I would just like to know if I could borrow a jiffy of your time? Or maybe several jiffy's? Max Hastings sort of got out of prison and came knocking on my door- threatening to kill me.. I need your help? No- no that's not right- Um.. could I borrow a jiffy? Fuck, no" I roll my eyes in the back of my head, sit on the cold floor- curse over and over how stupid I am "Pippa you absolute asshole" I slap a hand in my face, wince at the hit and tell myself to shut up and get over it.

I breathe in a gasp of breath, stand up, dust the dirt off my Levi's, and bring my hand- blooded, the red ink caking my long nails, up to the door.

I close my eyes – "get over yourself, Pippa- just knock"

The Ravi that lives rent free in my mind echos through my every brain cell, i wince

I never want to fucking see you again, Pippa – go home.

I close my eyes please just let me talk to him-

He begins screaming over and over

You're a monster, you killed Jason bell! Your deadly, get the fuck away from my house.

I wince, tears slide my face like a fallen star, I nod, look up at the sky above, inhale all the air I can- fresh and bitter,

Get lost I say to the Ravi in my head- and put my blood-soaked hand into a fist.

One knock

No answer.

Two knocks

No answer-

Three knocks-

"Hello?" Ravi opens the door, a creak of light spilling out onto the cobblestone like sunshine in an early winter morning, he stumbles a little when he sees me.

"Pippa?" Ravi is confused- crazed, anger and betrayal and fury a new piece in his puzzled mind.

"Yes- Um- is this not a good time?" I say softly, wipe my eyes of tears and square my shoulders and offer a delicate smile.

I've become so fucking good at that, pretending to be happy when all I want to fucking do is fall apart.

"Yes- yes Um, what do you want?"

I wince "well, I was wondering if I could borrow a jiffy of your time? Well, no – a few sequential jiffy's? Did you know a jiffy is an actual measurement of time?" Nervous laughter shatters off my throat and into the air like a bullet , sweat silken, my temples ache.

"Pip- I –" he sounds nervous..

"Please" I ask

"Just one chance, please Ravi" tears rip out of my tear ducts.

"Pip-"

"Please"

"Okay.. okay"

And with that, I step into the house.