Love, Not War (Book 2)

Chapter 113

They were not close, but it was as if he could hear Chan's thoughts from his expressions.

'Why won't you see me?'

'Why won't you talk to me?'

'You said we'll discuss everything. You won't shut me out. You won't jump to conclusions. So why?'

'Why are you ignoring me?'

A tear rolled down Felix's cheek and he quickly wiped it away. He didn't even realise he was crying.

Chan saw this and stood up hurriedly but Felix closed the curtain and sat on the floor. He hugged his knees to his chest and let out a deep breath, trying to hold back his tears.

"You betrayed me, Chan," he sniffled. "You ruined my life. How do you expect me to forgive you?"

********

Finally, on Monday evening...

Chan stood by a corner, watching Felix transfer the potted roses into the soil of their garden. He was on both knees, carefully lowering a budding rose into the soil. The sun was setting, casting a reddish-orange glow all over the garden. Within the roses, Felix looked so fragile and beautiful. Like an enchanting painting that Chan couldn't take his eyes off.

Felix had always been like that to him. So beautiful and mesmerising. Warm and although bratty, he was the one who made him experience love. Something he never thought he would be able to have. It made him wonder how he even had the heart to hurt him five years ago.

Felix was dressed in a pair of causal blue jeans and a white Tee with a long grey apron looped around his neck and tied at the waist. There were a pair of gardening gloves on his hands and the boots encasing his feet, stopping his hands and feet from being soiled with dirt. His brown hair was packed into a low ponytail but his bangs were free, hovering over his eyes and cheeks. Swaying back and forth with the gentle breeze.

There was a contented smile on his face. The kind Chan used to see whenever he was around Felix back then. He suddenly felt as if he was pulled back to the past, when Felix trusted him. When Felix loved him.

Now... well now, he wasn't so sure.

"Can you stop watching me like a freak?" Felix said, breaking the silence. He could see Chan standing by the door which annoyed him. "You shouldn't have followed me here. Didn't you get the hint this past week? I don't want to see you. We have nothing more to do with each other."

Not after all the things he had heard and seen. Not after being betrayed like that. He wouldn't be able to take it if Chan betrays him again.

"Don't talk like that, Felix" Chan said, walking towards Felix. "You can't just call everything off. We haven't even talked about it yet."

"And what's there to talk about?" Felix asked. He patted the soil after adding fertiliser then stood up and took off the gloves. He then faced Chan. "You know what you did. How do you expect us to be together after that? Honestly, I can't even be around you without thinking that there's a camera somewhere." He looked around. "Who knows, there might be someone taking pictures of us or maybe you're even recording the conversation."

"Felix no," Chan took a step towards him but Felix held up a hand, making Chan pause. Chan was frustrated. He wanted to hold Felix, to hug him and calmly explain everything but Felix wasn't ready.
He sighed. "I wouldn't do that to you, Felix. Not again."

Felix scoffed. "You did it once so you can surely do it again. Maybe the first one wasn't revenge enough for you. Maybe you still think I had a hand in your sister's death and you want to punish me. Again."

"You know that's not true, Felix" Chan said, shaking his head. "Baby that's not true. I love you. I would never do that to you. Never again. Just let me explain Felix. What happened to our agreement? We said we'd always talk things out no matter what. You said you'll listen to me."

"That was before you showed my nakedness to the entire world!" Felix snapped. "That was before I knew you were the reason my mother had to fake my death!" He was breathing hard, glaring at Chan. "I looked it up you know. They said I died of overdose but I never even did drugs. Do you know how it feels to lose your identity? I saw all the comments. People called me coward, some said I deserve it. Some even thanked me for taking my own life, saying that I finally did one good thing in life. One less gay person."

Felix's voice began to shake as he talked. It hurt so much that he couldn't help but cry. "W-Was I that bad of a person? I alone didn't make those videos. It takes two to tango you know. W-Where were you Chan? Why did you do that to me? D-Did you ever love me back then?"

Chan went silent. He didn't even know where to start. His eyes were filled with tears as he stared at Felix, thinking of what to say.

Felix shook his head, disappointed. "I knew it. You didn't have any feelings for me. If not, you would never do that." He wanted to turn around and leave, but Chan held his arm, stopping him.

"How can you say that?" Chan asked, pulling Felix back to face him. He wanted to watch Felix's expressions, not wanting to miss a single thing. "Do you think what I feel for you is so little? I haven't even explained what happened back then. You can't just make your own decisions like this Felix. We're in a relationship. You and me. We're together. You're mine and I'm yours. We were like this five years ago and I don't intend for us to change. Back then, there were a lot of complications. I was being pressured by my father. I couldn't think straight baby and I hurt you. I know I did and I'm sorry. I truly am Felix. I love you. You can't just call things off like this. I do not agree."

He cupped Felix's cheeks and stared straight into his eyes. "My touch, Felix, does it not affect you? Does your heart hold no feelings for me that you can just decide to break up like this? Do you really want to do this?"

Felix was crying but he didn't say anything.  In his heart, he was conflicted. He wanted to be with Chan but he couldn't tolerate being betrayed like that.

"I know you're still angry about what happened but I have answers" Chan continued. "Why won't you give me a chance to explain everything? Things are not as they seem Felix. They are more complicated. Please, give me a chance. One chance."

Felix closed his eyes, letting his tears spill as well as soak in the warmth of Chan's palms on his cheeks. The touch, Chan's touch, always seemed to make him feel so much more. It played with his rationality. Every spot of skin that Chan touches, tingles and his heart softens. Chan was his weak point.

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