Love, Not War (Book 2)

Chapter 114

"I love you Felix" Chan said. "Believe me. I loved you back then and I love you even more now. There's only one person in my heart and that person is you. I deeply regret what I did to you back then and I'm willing to do anything to rectify it. Anything at all. Just give me one more chance Felix. Don't break up with me. Please. "

Chan gazed straight into Felix's eyes with utmost seriousness. Felix couldn't deny that Chan meant what he was saying. Every single word of it.

Different memories sprouted in Felix's head. The day Chan saved him from falling at the site. The time they rolled down the stairs of the police station together and Chan protected him with his body. When he paid Chan a visit at the hospital and thought Chan was crazy because he hugged him and kept telling him that he loves him. The way Chan paid special attention to him, knowing all his likes and dislikes, especially in terms of food. The way Chan fiercely protected him from that scum Yeo-sang and those two men in the alley.

It was something no stranger would do. Everything proved that Chan truly loved him.

Felix thought the truth would set him free. He thought it would ease his pain but he only felt bound by something invisible. As if he was caged and he couldn't get out. He took a step back from Chan and wiped his tears. "I-I don't know... I'm still mad at you."

"And you have every right to be," Chan said, stepping closer. It hurt him to see Felix cry. He wrapped his arms around Felix's waist, pulling him to his chest. "You have every right to be mad. You can do whatever you want to me. Beat me, slap me, vent your anger. I'll take it. I beg only one thing and that's to not leave me. You don't have to give me an answer right away. I waited to talk to you for a week and I can wait even longer for you to make your decision. Just...just don't break up with me okay. I'll do whatever you say. I won't even come before you if you don't want me to but don't break up with me. Please."

"I'm sorry about everything Felix" he continued. His voice was hoarse, hot breath fanning against Felix's nose and lips. "I'm really sorry but believe me. It was never my intention to hurt you. All I want is for you to love me again Felix. All I want is to be with you. Forever."

"But how can I trust you?" Felix asked. "You say all these things that make me want to hug you and kiss you. You make me imagine forever with you but a part of me doesn't feel safe with you."

Chan's heart shattered like glass upon hearing the last part. He couldn't believe it. Did Felix just say he didn't feel safe with him?

"I don't think I can go on being with you while I feel like this," Felix said. "I won't be free with you Chan. I feel as if I would always be on guard, thinking there's a camera around us somewhere. Maybe it will be better if we spend some time apart."

"No no no no no," Chan said, shaking his head. This time, he couldn't keep his tears at bay. His eyes were red and tears flowed down uncontrollably. "Don't do this baby. No no, I love you. I love you so much. Only you. I want to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you Felix. That's all I want. Don't do this to me. To us."

"I'm sorry Chan" Felix sobbed. "But I... I can't do this. I don't feel safe around you anymore."

Chan fell to his knees. He held Felix's trousers as he cried. "I'm sorry Felix. I really am. Don't punish me like this. I'll leave you alone. I'll give you space.  Anything you want. Just don't leave me. I-I can't function without you."

Felix quickly freed himself and moved a few feet away from Chan. Although it hurt him to break up with Chan like this, he still had to do it. It wasn't about revenge anymore. He had thrown the idea of revenge out the window after he had time to think. It really wasn't worth it. After all, what's done is done.

Now, he needed time to heal and he needed to do it without any ties to Chan. "I'm sorry, Chan," he said. "I love you too. I really do but right now, I can't be with you. I need time to process all of this okay? I need time away from you."

Chan remained silent, not uttering a single word. His hands fell limply to his sides and his jaw tightened, not knowing what to say. He just knew that he didn't want to break up. Felix needed time and he would give it. It didn't mean they should break up.
Breaking up meant Felix could see other people. He could flirt with other people, smile at them, hold hands with them, kiss them, even sleep- he shook his head, trying to keep those kinds of thoughts out.

Felix sighed. He could already feel a headache coming up. "You said you'll do anything to rectify what you did, didn't you?"

Chan nodded.

"Then do this for me, Chan," he said. "Let me go. Let me heal."

"And after that?" Chan asked. "What happens after? What about us?"

"We'll see," Felix answered and with that, he walked away, leaving Chan kneeling on the ground.

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