Ken Bible

Chapter 1: In the beginning

God didn't create anything. The whole idea of god is just made up. It's kind of creepy to believe that a 1000 year old man is watching us from his perch in the clouds. This bible will educate you on how the world was really created.

Before earth there was a factory in which figures made of liquid worked. They made Ken's body from the stars, his clothes from meteors and they built him a castle amongst the dwarf planets.

After creating Ken their job was complete, their life was meaningless, so they impaled themselves on the sharp rocks flying through space, their dark, metallic blood floating through the blackness and creating the first nebulas.

Ken wasn't happy. He had a castle and riches beyond belief but he wanted people. He wanted friends, and he wanted family. So, one night in his workshop he crafted a device. An amazing device.

The next morning Ken gutted out his eyes and inserted the device he had created into his brain. Once the device was securely latched on, he needed to put his eyes back. The pain was intense, and dark blood oozed out of his sockets, but with a sickening squelch, he forced his eyes back into place, and his vision returned. Ken felt powerful now.

He stood before the empty vastness of space smiling and began chanting. 'The empty vastness I see before me is my playground to create whatever I please. I will create a beautiful place with sprawling lands that shall contain life and nature. Ken searched his castle and found a sharp saw.

He started running it up and down his temple, and eventually cut off a bit of skull. Blood leaked out but he didn't care. He reached in and scooped out a chunk of his pale, meaty brain. He spread the brains out in front of him and started moulding it into the earth.

For 3.74 days, he sat, and modded the trees, and the animals, and mountains and rivers. For the final touch, he tipped his head to the side and let his blood leak out onto his creation, creating life. The rivers flowed, animals roamed meadows, and wind whipped through the trees.

After his creation was done, Ken slurped up the brains scattered around, leaving an unblemished earth. His brains reorganised themselves in his head, and he pushed the chunk of skull back into place.

Now that the world was created Ken's fantasy had almost come true. All he needed to do now was to create people who would be his friends and family and inhabit his world. Before that Ken needed a name for his creation. He went back inside and pondered over a cup of tea. 'Maybe I should call it ground because there's ground. No that doesn't suit.... Hmmmm...' He thought out loud. 'Oh I know! Hey Alexa, what's 'the ground' in German?' Ken exclaimed, turning to his Alexa device. '

The ground in German is 'ertha'.Is this helpful Ken?'
'It's not catchy.. OH WAIT WHY DON'T I CALL IT EARTH!' Ken exclaimed and so he did.
Ken stood before the earth again and suddenly plunged his hand into his stomach, scooping out intestines and whatever other organs he came into contact with.

He let the pile of blood, flesh, veins, and organs drop on the ground with a sickening splat. Ken stuck his hands into the mess and started shaping it into two beings: one he called Barbie, and one he called Johnasonath Middleton McDidlith.

Now that humans were created he needed to create rules and the basic building blocks of life. But first he created clothes, because he did not enjoy seeing his two new human creations naked.  

Chapter 2: Life and Everything 

'What shall be the rules of and the basic building blocks of life?' Ken pondered that night in his golden queen sized bed.