Dear Ryan,

Dear Ryan,

I remember when we made the deal that when I write in here, I'd be writing to you.

I haven't been able to write to you for a while now.

I haven't been able to write about anything or to anyone... I haven't been able to breathe, Ryan, but I guess now I feel like I have to. The thirtieth of August should be a day of celebration for you, for us, we should be throwing you a party, drinking until we cried over things that happened years ago. You would have been two - zero today. Twenty, Ryan. You threw that away, how could you?

I knew you were down, Ryan, I knew that and I wish I would have done something about that. I wish things would have played out some other way. The other guys, they're more.. naive... they believe that nothing could have been done to prevent what happened that night. They're wrong. How could they not see how you were Ryan?

I try to blame them or at least understand them. Although, I guess what I did was worse. I knew that you were on the edge and I was too afraid to do anything about it. Now you're gone and I'm burning alive with this guilt. It consumes me, Ryan. I wake up every morning and I think everything is okay and then I remember that nothing is and it never will be again!

Please just come back, I don't care if I have to fix you. I could deal with the mood swings and the crying and I could deal with the shouting. I could deal with you hitting me, I could deal with all of that. I dealt with it once before, I will deal with it again and again! I just can't deal with you being gone, Ryan.

I remember every second of that night, I knew you guys were on something and had been for the last five months or so but you were different with it. I could tell you didn't care, I watched you drink more than anyone should ever let pass their lips in one go, and I watched you take those pills like they were candy. You actually chewed on them. I was drunk, I know that, but I still knew exactly what you were doing to yourself and I didn't think to stop you. Why didn't I stop you?

I remember the other guys found it funny, funny that you were so out of it you couldn't even string a proper sentence together. I remember them crying with laughter when you couldn't walk. I remember them in hysterics when you began to throw up. But do you remember me crying for you, Ryan? Do you remember how I gripped on to you as you spiralled down? Do you remember dying in my arms, Ryan? Because I can't erase one bit of it. I can't forget one d.mn second of that d.mn day.

Ryan. Little Ryan that lived next door. Ryan perfect Ross. You were so unbelievably talented, Ryan. You had your whole future ahead of you and you were going to make it. You, Me, Spence and Jon; we were going to be massive. Now I don't sing any more. You silenced me, hyper, annoying, over-active puppy Brendon Urie, silenced. I refuse to sing, it's not right without your lyrics. Spencer hasn't touched a drum kit since you left. He hits things with the sticks though, he hits people with them, it causes a lot of trouble but I don't think he cares. Jon, well I haven't spoken to Jon since. I don't ever want to speak to Jon again. If Jon would have kept his drug addiction to himself then maybe you'd still be here, Ry.

Innocent little Ryro. The same little boy that ran to me when you were fourteen years old, crying because you thought you'd made a girl pregnant by kissing her. Ryan who cried for three days down the phone to me after you hit a deer with your car. Ryan who used to fall asleep on me after we watched girlie movies. Ryan who fell madly in love with person after person who treated you like rubbish. Ryan who is gone, dead and buried because he fell apart and no one was there to pick up the pieces.

Oh, I'm a mess without you Ryan. Why did you have to leave me? What happened to best friends forever. This isn't forever. I miss you more than anything and anyone that I've ever come across. You were the greatest friend I had the pleasure to meet and you brightened my life. Even when you were taken over by the self loathing and the hatred of the world that you acquired towards the end, you were a better person than most people can even hope to be. I wish I didn't, but I miss you.

Happy Birthday Ryan, I hope that the angels treat you well. I hope you're okay now, that's all I ever hoped for you. I hope that one day I will see you again and you'll be the Ryan I knew and who I loved so dearly. I wish I could have seen you grow old, Ry. I wish I could have met your children, your grandchildren, your partner. I wish I could have seen your life how it should have turned out. I want to erase you from my memory and then replace you with who you should have become. I want to remember every single good thing that we ever did together and I want to relive them one by one.

Goodbye Ryan. I won't write to you again.