Hidden Love (Tronnor fanfiction)

~39~ Confused

Connor's pov

I don't get it, I really don't get it. It feels as if I'm dreaming, a nightmare I can't wake up from. I can try as hard as possible, but there is no escape to this. There is no way to wake up from this bad dream, because this dream is reality. And there is no escape from reality.

A million questions were racing through my head. My mind has no rest. It hurts, it hurts so bad. My head seems to be at the very point of exploding, my heart shattered into a thousand pieces. It cannot be fixed. I don't think it will ever heal. It's broken, I'm broken.

The question that always came back to me was, did he ever love me? Did he love me at all? Was it all just one big lie, all the things he had said to me, all the things he had done. Did he fake everything or was there a moment, maybe only a split second where he really did love me?

Probably not. I was so stupid to believe him, I guess love made me blind like they always say. I thought we could work this out, I thought he was just over stressed. I wanted to help him, I wanted to be there for him. He was not acting like his usual self, but who knows, do I really know what his real self is? Have I ever really known him at all?

I don't think so. He thinks I killed my sister, he really does think that. The way those words fell out of his mouth was so smooth. He seemed to have no problems with telling me that. Was that really the way he always thought about it? But why? Why didn't he just broke up with me back then, when I first told him about Nicola. Why only now? It would've been easier back then, not much, but at least a little. Maybe I was like a toy for him, someone he could have fun with. He doesn't seem like that type of person though, but I don't know it anymore. I don't know him anymore.

Our relationship was one big lie to him. I must say, he's a damn good actor. I believed every single thing he told me, I believed his feelings. The only moment I doubted what he was saying was when he was breaking up with me. It's only when he said those things about my sister that I knew this was what he really wanted. That he wasn't the boy I thought he was. The boy I thought he was would've never said that in his life.

I don't know what to do. How do you get over something like this? Cry. That's the only thing I know about break ups. People cry a lot and I already did that. I cried my eyes out, I cried so much that my eyes burned. I'm not going to hide in my room forever. That's not how I want to spend this time. I don't want to remember every detail about him. I want to forget him. Right now all I wanna do is sleep, but I know that if I go to sleep my thoughts will only go to Troye. He's not worth that. At least that's what I try to tell myself, because I really loved that boy, I still do. My love will not just go away, I fell in love with that boy whose smile can make everyone else smile. Whose eyes shine from miles away, that blue color that you've never seen before. The color of the sea, the peace I always saw in them.

That's when I knew what I could do to forget him for a while. I could swim. Swimming made me feel nothing for a moment, only peace. That's exactly what I needed right now. I had enough of all my thoughts, enough of staring to the walls, enough of staring at my laptop in hope for Troye to say this wasn't true. That this was just one big mistake.

Before I left my apartment I texted Brandon. He has to know what's going on. I texted him saying Troye broke up with me and that I was going to the sea to swim for a while. I also asked him to come over after that.

Me and Brandon have became so close this last few months, even closer than we already were. He had the right to know what was going on in my life, I wanted to talk about it to him. But now, I just wanted to forget for a while by swimming.

***

I was walking that same path, that path I had walked a few times before. The only time I thought about right now was that time with Troye. The time we were going out and we ended up at the McDonald's, yes that time. Of course I thought about that time and not the other times I was here. Everything on my mind was Troye related. We had so many good times together. I can really not accept it that Troye is that person I talked to on Skype. To me Troye is the boy I knew and loved, even if he maybe isn't like I thought he was. To me he will always be that way. I can't see him as a bad person, I wish I could, but I would never be able to. He did too much for me to ever accept that. He's not a bad person.