Den of Monsters

A Terrible Man: Makoto Yuka SS

Without a doubt i am a man beyond redemption.

That is simply the fate created for someone like myself in whom the ability to trust others is so cracked and broken that I am wretchedly timid and am forever trying to read the expression on people's faces.

I rarely find myself giving people the chance to gaze at my face...none should even dirty their eyes with such a sight because while the world may call it normal...i call it vile.

The only person i found myself feeling any form of peace with is...far away.

She and i were born in a place that can only be described as the root cause of my problems, a place where the absolute mattered far more than that which was deemed normal by people who live outside of it.

I was always the way that i am...quiet, hidden and shameful. I had no mother or father who cared about me, no friends and no knowledge of who i was.

Makoto Yuka is what the woman who cared for us called me, she was kind and caring but i failed to find a home within such a person when the man she chose to intertwine herself with wouldn't bat an eye at our screams of pain and misery when put through hell every. single. day.

When i first came to understand my situation i hated it all but...i put up a face of confidence, i smile and laughed to all when i didn't even know what that means, i often thought to myself:

"As long as nobody is irritated enough to focus their anger on me...everything's fine"

But it wasn't, such smiles and laughter is what enticed the person i allowed myself to be open with, she was timid like me and often appearing aloof, she was my second and i was her first.

I outmatched her in everything, in everything i did but...in living.

I felt very disconnected when i wasn't with her, she was the aspect of living to me, someone who wouldn't question why i am the way that i am, someone that believed my lie to be the truth.

I disliked that about her but i slowly accepted it....as long as she's happy then i am fine right?, she's independent unlike me and i am sure if...if we escaped...she would flutter higher than me in this world.

Such a thought donned on my mind everyday 'Escape Makoto do it, escape! escape!!'  and the thought won, at the age of fourteen i decided to finally break away, i took with me a boy who had come to find interest in my ideas.

Kanae was his name, he was frail and weak in comparison to me but he had a curiousity for the world outside and that truly didn't matter...as long as he never got in my way and hers i was satisfied.

On that day i begged her to come with me, i grabbed her arm and ran through many people, the instructors were tough but...i remembered every last trick they have, i arrived at a place where i would finally be considered free.

The exit. I tried pulling her over with me but...she didn't budge, her face was dark as she looked down on the ground.

I tried yelling more at her but it was simply silence and sirens, i wanted to just hit her and take her with me, 'Why are you clinging onto this place?!' i asked and she didn't respond.

Not even a second later i finally understood what it all meant...she was never meant to be that person was she?...

The sirens grew louder as did the screeching sound of my ears ringing as the footsteps of the guards came rushing forward.

They held their tasers high and directed at me, i was struck once and i didn't flinch as my focus was on her, my focus was on her so much i could split the world open by just looking at her.

Soon my focus was broken as she was taken away before me, she didn't even look back...my mind screamed so many questions.

Didn't we promise we'll be together forever?

Didn't you say you enjoyed being with me?

Didn't i promise you the best of this world even though we were stuck in hell?!

Why...Chain?, why wouldn't you take the extra step?....

I grit my teeth as i finally rushed out of the surrounding guards onto the forest ahead, the sirens still echoed but they slowly faded as i went seperate routes from Kanae.

My heart burned far more than my feet and clothes which were turn and battered apart, i was angry, i was confused and more importantly i was...hurt.

Was it wrong of me to place my trust in anybody?

Was that bastard Atsuomi right about this world?

Victory and the absolute mattered only...right?

My escape mattered not anymore...i was wrong and now i...I want to die. 

I want to die more than ever before. There's no chance now of a recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it's sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame. That dream of going on bicycles to see a waterfall framed in summer leave, it was not for the likes of me. All that can happen now is that one foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and my sufferings will become only the more acute. I want to die. I must die. Living itself is the source of sin.

My existence itself is a sin

Everything i have ever desired is indeed nothing more but a fantasy or perhaps...it wouldn't have been if someone else dreamed it with me.

If only she trusted me...if only.

I roamed the country soon after as nothing more but a stray cat, stealing, killing and reaping anything before me.

I don't care anymore...this world is no longer beautiful.

It's as if i was offered a beautiful sugar cube but was told i needed to burn my tongue before tasting it, nothing in this intruiged me.

None of these human things are mine to have, my existence itself is nothing more than a sin after all...

I slowly affirmed myself as nothing more than a loser in this world when i joined the underworld, killing was an oddly paying job.

For simply piercing or stopping the physiological function of the human body i can easily get money to buy a villa, i found myself laughing awkwardly at first at such things.

This world truly isn't beautiful, it's a complete lie. It's horrible and dark and truly unworthy of this pain.

But i suppose such a vile world wouldn't truly be the way it is if the devil wasn't there to make it the way it is...

I was very fortunate to be hired by the man who is the root cause of all this pain.

Johan Liebert.

Or John Doe as he introduced himself to me at first, a walking enigma, death incarnate and also...my road.

I do not like him, nor do i like working with Felix and Chané, hell i couldn't care less than Kanae died to some kid on the island.

As long as i get to direct my knife at her throat and see what her weakness has got her to, i am happy.

I want to know...Sumeragi Chain, for what reason did you have to abandon me- no...abandon our dream.

Was it not this freedom and life the thing you find good about my lies?, my shameful smiles of hope that you thought to be my truth.

I truly want nothing more than to know...was it worth it?...hurting me...was it worth it?...

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A/N:

SS while i am writing the next chapter cuz why not amirite? :)