Think

✂ one

here you lay on your messy bed, windows wide open, letting in the cold winter air. you lay there, listening to your horrible thoughts, the ones you try your hardest to get rid of and to ignore. but late at night, that's when they're at their worst. you can feel them crawling up your throat and scratching at your eyes, pulling on your hair, and cutting away at your already sliced wrist. they, they just do whatever they want, there's no way to stop them. they just continue to torture you until you are forced to take your last breath. then they will pull you back down with them, down into hell. and hell isn't like what they tell you, where there is the devil and all the burning red fire. there is that, but you're the devil and the burning red fire are actually your tears as you watch all the people that you have hurt. you watch them fall to the ground, crying out and pleading that there's still a chance to bring you back.

at that moment then, you realize the horrible mistake that you just made. you want to take it all back and promise that you'll never try anything like that again. that you will never do anything to hurt yourself again. but it's all too late... you can't take back a quick decision that lasts a life time. you start to watch as all of your biggest memories start to play — the time you and your best friend went to your first school dance, you guys starting high school, the school project that you did to try and stop bullying, when you told her that you have depression and high anxiety levels, that you cut, her braking down crying and you doing the same, her doing everything she can think of to get you to not cut, staying up all night talking to her about this situation, her talking you out of it — imagine how she is right now, probably just figuring out that you're dead. just as you thought about that, you see her appear in your eyes.

she's sitting in the bathroom crying her eyes out, choking on air, trying to comprehend whats going on. she's trying to convince herself that this is all a horrible nightmare, that this isn't real, she'll wake up in the morning and get ready to go see you at school. but as she starts to realize that this is one nightmare that she won't wake up from, that's when she goes into the bathroom cupboard. she picks up the first orange bottle she finds and pops it open. she pours the container out onto her palm and puts them all in her mouth. she begins to start to swallow them all until every one is gone. quickly, she picks up the note book she brought into the bathroom with her and began to right her suicide letter,

"dear whoever reads this first, i wanted to say that i love you all, and that i made a promise to my best friend. i told her that if she kills herself, i'm going down with her —"

that's when your voice starts to go numb from yelling loudly at the screen in your head. there's nothing you can do, she's going to take her own life because of a dumb decision that you made. you didn't give any other thoughts of how anyone else would react to finding you dead, especial not your best friends. the one that cared so much about you. now because of you, there are going to be two suicide stories here in town, and that could have been prevented if you would have just sent her a message saying that you needed someone to talk to. it's hard to send that message, but once you do, it could be the best thing to happen. maybe if you would have just done that, then you would still be alive and maybe even happy, you could have tried to change your mind. think before you do anything that would be the end of you, think about the people you will be hurting, think about how much you won't be able to discover in this world because you're dead. you're still young, you still have so much to live for! put down those blades, get rid of those pills, don't do anything to hurt yourself.

that's when you wake up, you take in a long deep breath. you begin to cry and realize what would happen if you would have taken your life that night. you grab your phone and call your best friend. she answers half asleep, now looking at the clock and realizing that it is three in the morning. you tell her what happened in your dream and she assures you that everything will be okay. you guys talk until it's time for you to get up and get ready for school. today you take a long time to set your mind to a happy state of thinking, you get out of bed and smile, you want to try something new. you want to be happy, you want to live a long life, seeing everything you can.

if you're going to post/use this, please message me first.

- j.f x