smile pretty boy

Jack's arm extended into the air, his fingers wrapped around the back of his phone. He looked into the camera reflecting him, fixing his hair a bit before tapping his thumb against the small circle on the screen. The screen quickly flashed black as it snapped a picture of him. He brought his arm back down and held his phone above his chest, clicking on the picture he'd just taken. He stared at it. His eyes fixed on his face, slowly scanning across it until he silently came to the conclusion that he wasn't that handsome, but he wasn't bad. Jack deleted the picture and turned his phone off.

He sighed, his gaze falling onto his feet at the other end of the couch. It only took a second for him to become bored of looking at his feet. So he once again shifted his attention, this time to the window. He looked out at the city. He knew that down in the streets, tourists were walking through Manhattan, just enjoying New York City and the feeling of being in the "concrete jungle where dreams are made." Jack knew it would do him good to go outside like they were. Go for a walk, maybe seek some music inspiration. And he would've loved to do that. He loved this city, he loved living here.

But he was just so sad. He couldn't get himself to leave his apartment. He could only hope that this sadness would pass over him soon. Maybe he just had to wait it out. Maybe all he needed was time and he'd start feeling better. But how long would he be waiting for? What if it never truly went away, and he wasted years waiting for nothing? He couldn't look at the city without thinking about all of this, so he turned his phone back on and outstretched his arm.

"Smile!" Gary said with a grin of his own, looking through his camera at his kids. The three of them, with their arms around each other, obeyed. "With teeth, please." He added after noticing that two of them had only slightly curved up their lips rather than giving a 'proper' smile. But he never had to remind his youngest. No, that 8-year-old always gave a bright grin no matter how many teeth he might've been missing. Once Adam and Ryan corrected themselves, Gary snapped a picture and lowered the camera.

Jack was laying on his side in his bed, his arm falling asleep underneath his head. His other hand held his phone in front of his eyes. His thumb swiped up on the screen, showing him a new TikTok. It was almost 1 pm, and he laid in bed. Not because he was tired, but because he simply wasn't ready to get up yet.

He had stuff to do around the apartment. And he never minded cleaning and doing chores, so it wasn't like he was staying under his covers so he could procrastinate it. Jack closed TikTok and instead sweeped through his social media, checking Instagram stories. He was hoping he'd get a text from pretty much anyone but he knew it was unlikely.

He looked at the alarm clock next to his bed. 12:56. He'd been awake since 9. He had let time just pass right by him, spending hours rotting his brain on TikTok. He knew better than to let hours walk by like that. Sadness still echoed within his chest. Maybe he deserved it if he wasn't going to make any effort to feel better. He kept telling himself to wait it out. It'd go away, soon. It hadn't settled within him yet. Right?

The interview was going okay. Jack was tired, sure, and yes, maybe the interviewer wasn't quite as funny as they thought they were, but it was going okay. He tried his best to act like his OCD hadn't kept him awake for hours last night, and his sadness hadn't been taking more and more of a toll on him. He attempted to seem engaged and interested. Even when he thought he was doing alright at it, the interviewer still apparently felt prompted to say, "You have a lovely smile, Jack, you should show it more often." Jack immediately felt uncomfortable, and he could feel in the air that his brothers were too, but he just smiled awkwardly. "Oh, haha. Thanks." He said. They continued as if that hadn't just happened. The interview concluded a few minutes later, and the crew wanted a picture for the cover and the Instagram promotion. Someone came in front of the table that AJR and the interviewer sat around, holding their phone. Jack had to internally remind himself to seem genuinely happy. Smile for the camera. The person put their phone down, signaling they had taken the picture. Jack was as polite as possible until they left the building, where he immediately let his demeanor drop.

Jack felt selfish for this. He felt selfish for going to Ryan's apartment simply because he needed something (or, someone) to cheer him up. Of course he still had Shay, and he loved her, but Shay couldn't quite fill the void of loneliness and sadness he felt. And though he trusted Alba more than anything, he was afraid of if she would even still want to be with him if she knew he was going through this, so he didn't tell her. (In reality, she would've of course stayed with him and supported him through it, but Jack's OCD had convinced him otherwise. So he didn't say anything.)

Jack knocked on the apartment door, Shay waiting impatiently beside him. Cat was the one who opened it with a smile. "Hey, come in," she opened the door up more, revealing the tiny brown dog who was wagging his tail so hard it shook his entire body. Jack smiled at Cat and unclipped Shay's leash, letting her run inside first, then following her in. "Hey." Jack greeted Ryan, who sat on the couch watching a movie. Jack was really hoping that this could make him feel better, for just a little while. He hoped Ryan could make him laugh and smile. He hoped that at least, he'd stop feeling so lonely.

Jack, with his peripheral vision, saw Ryan take out his phone and hold it up. His expression was blank as he looked over to properly see what Ryan was doing. When he realized his brother was taking pictures, he didn't have enough time to remind himself to smile. "Wait, can I see that picture?" Jack almost immediately asked. Ryan turned his phone around so Jack could see the pictures he had just taken. Jack stared at it. Is that really what he looked like? "I'm gonna put that on my story." Ryan said while he turned the phone back around and opened Instagram. "Don't. I look sad in that." Jack requested quickly. That made Ryan look up. "Oh. Okay." He said slowly, closing Instagram without looking at it and setting his phone face-down on the couch. "Are you, like, okay? You seem a little off today." Ryan asked. Although Jack usually smiled for pictures (Ryan assumed it was just because of how it had been enforced in their childhood), he didn't mind an occasional picture that caught him off guard or allowed him to be funny, which is why it worried Ryan a little when Jack had gotten anxious about his appearance in a picture. "Oh, um, yeah. I'm fine. But thank you." Jack put his hand on the back of his neck. Ryan noticed, which made him realize Jack was probably lying, but didn't say anything. Jack wasn't ready to quite accept that he wasn't okay yet, so Ryan would wait until he was.

Jack was grateful for Austin and his style of photography. Because with Austin's pictures, he didn't feel like he had to force a smile. He felt like himself. Austin loved taking candid photos, which meant he captured the real Jack. He took pictures when the real Jack was actually happy and not pretending. Regardless, Austin could find a way to make a nice picture no matter how Jack felt. He only filmed things for Tour Docs when they felt like they had something that would either be entertaining, or at the very least, showed what life on tour was really like.

He loved looking through photos after shows. Playing shows was truly his favorite thing in the world. He loved performing. So that meant his happiest pictures were when he was onstage. Austin cycled through the pictures he had taken over the past two nights, showing them to Jack and asking which ones he wanted him to post. Jack stopped him when he saw a picture of him from the end of the show. Sweaty as hell, but smiling wider than ever. A genuine smile.

"Post that one." He said, pointing at it. "Are you sure? It's not my best work." Austin looked at him. "Yeah. Because that's how I want to be remembered. Onstage and smiling like that." Jack thought often about his legacy and how he'd be remembered when he was gone. And he'd realized that this is the exact type of picture he'd want people to think of. Happy and doing what he loved most. Not giving a shit about anything in the world because he was consumed in his little world of music. No matter how stressful it was, tour was his happy place. This is what he was born to do. Jack smiled.