Waiting

Rising doubts

the world's a little blurry
or maybe it's my eyes

where did you go?
i should know, but it's cold

You weren't sure how late it was, perhaps and probably way past midnight. You couldn't really tell, not that you didn't have a clock on you—you just didn't want to take a peek at the time now. Because if you do, you would break down into a sobbing mess.
It was already hard to contain the tears before, when you realized—even though you had known it from the call he had received, how this day would go and end.
Like all the times before.

You were aware of the pouring rain, how it soaked your clothes and body. Trenching you into its wetness as if you were made of paper or sugar. As if the rain wanted to wash you away and somehow, you kind of wished for it.
You clenched your fingers into your tights and then into your wrist as hard as you could. Trying to overcome the numbness with pain. A numbness which wasn ́t, nessescarly only, from the rain and cold of the winds harshment.

No. No you shouldn't have those thoughts again. That bubbling feeling was starting to rise again, wanting to take over you—grabbing and pulling you back into that spiral of despair and more than just self-loathing.
You took a few breaths, trying to calm down. Everything was fine, no need to worry. Wasn 't the first time that he had to cancel the dates and it wouldn't be the last. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt any less.

You laid yourself on the bench, it wasn't as if someone would pass by at such a time now—you hoped so, but even then you wouldn't care at this moment. The rain and wind were getting stronger and nor your cardigan or the Umbrella could give you much protection, anyways.
You were exhausted, so damned exhausted. Body aching and the headache, which pounded against your temple wasn't helping at all. All you wanted was to sleep right now and perhaps never waking up again.

Closing your eyes, even for just a few minutes, would be fine.......would be fine. You just wanted the headache, surely it would turn into a migraine soon, to be gone. At some point the sounds around you, lulled you into a slumber—of preferably dreamless dreams and no rewinds of any memories.

And besides all that and the many times, when it does hurt a little sometimes, you would still wait for him. Always.

"Ne, Hattori? [Name] is with you right? Because he still hasn't replied me back."

The case took a bit longer to slove and at some point he had totally forgotten about you, the date and the promise had made to you. Again.
Then the hours just passed by and if it weren't for Kudo, asking about you—like the worrisome older Brother he was. You probably would still be in park and waiting, because sometimes and only sometimes, would you act so hopeless and foolish dumb.

So Heiji ran all the way to the park, not caring that he would be soaked to the bones. He hoped that you weren't still there and waiting for him. Hoping you're back at the hotel. He would check anyways, just to be sure. But he knew you would be waiting, like always.

When Heiji had found you laying on a bench, the first thing he did was to check your pulse. Because the sight of you laying so motionless there, spiked a fear in him again—which he thought he once had buried.
It took a few tries for Heiji to shook you awake, but you were so out of it and in an complete haze that you didn't even recognised him at all. You mumbled a few incrochent words to him before falling unconscious again.
Heiji took your bag from under the bench and pulled you onto his back, so he could carry you.

Perhaps Hakuba was right with what had said, back then. Of how Heiji didn't deserve you and neither the love you had to give.
But Heiji wouldn't give up. He would prove to anyone, that he was indeed deserving of you.

Heiji pulled you more towards him, hugging you even closer. What was it again you once told him about love? He didn't really listen to it back then, but perhaps he should have. Because if he had, those plaguing feelings of doubt and guilt wouldn't be so strong as of now.
Biting his lip, Heiji tried to hold in his tears. Not wanting to break down and feeling as if he was weak.
He had to be strong, he wasn't just a Detective but also your Knight in shining armor—a jokeling self proclaimed title, but still. Why was he feeling like this now? It wasn 't the first time that Heiji stood you up, in the rain noneless. So why those............he knew why.

It reminded Heiji of what had happened last year. How you got hurt because of him—of his arrogant and overconfident selfish acting. If it weren't for him, you wouldn't get hurt most of the time.
The tears were silently running down his cheeks, not that it matters anymore. He remembers how you once told him, that sometimes crying isn't a sign of weakness but acceptance? Heiji wasn't sure, but it goes along those lines.

Heiji turned, with you in his arms, on the bed. Taking your hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze. You were here, with him, in his arms. Safe and sound. And that was all Heiji needed to feel at ease with himself again.

told you not worry
but maybe that's a lie