never ends

i was here

How do i end this?
My mind's been thinking abiut so many things . I don't even know which one makes me so sad . I argue with myself in my mind.
Am I mentally fine?
I am so helpless . It makes me sad , how I've been living my days but not living in it . I'm always unhappy ,but I don't know the reason. I'm scared of the future . I'm scared of everything. I can't give up yet
People are counting on me
As well as they are ready to laugh at me

How come I never loved myself . I wish i could see myself in the mirror the way you do . I wish i had everything that you have . Ohh how does it feel like to be perfect .
I feel so bad looking at myself in the mirror .

Again
Why am I always the one to be blame even though I have no reason to be the reason of your anger . I'm tired of what we are right now . It's so stressing . You make me feel like I'm so imperfect and always letting me know my flaws . I don't want you to make me feel that . I wish you could appreciate me a little more . You make me think I'm not good enough . While I try my best , you don't see it and blame everything on me again .
All of our friends thinks I'm the reason to every fight we have . You think your perfect?
You think i got no reason to be angry at you? Well I do but I don't wanna say it out loud . I don't wanna make you feel bad the way you do to me .
You seem so different now . I'm always the one to apologize and make up our relationship again .

Can I make my own choice ?
Now I don't even know what my dream is
At some point you made me realise it's better not to dream cause at the end it's your word that I have to follow .
I thought you will respect my choice but right now I'm following your path again .
Going and doing after what you want me to do or be .
I don't get excited,  I'm not even happy to do what I'm about to do .
You don't even know what i wanna be , what I'm going through , yet you think we are so close
I wanna be a psychiatrist
I wanna help peoole who are not mentally stable . I wanna help people like me who are going through alot and don't have anyone to rely on
I wanna be the one people rely on .
I want peoe to come to me when they decide to end their life over some stupid things.
I wanna be the one who will always be there for other when they need someone
You know why?
Cause no one have ever been there for me when i needed them .
No one cared about me when i loved them so much. I'm going through alot right now and i don't even have anyone to share to !

I found out my worth a long time ago . How people doesn't appreciate my existence.  They never cared whether I was there or not .
It's like playing an invisible game . I'm always the third person . I was never the main or the side friend.  I have always been the outcast friend . I hate that i loved them with all my heart but they disappointed me so much . I just wannna disappear at some point . Make them realize my worth . But will they ever know my non-existence?
I guess they wouldn't even care .
It's fine . I hope everything works out .
Life has never been great to me
I'm just living the days that are coming and accompanying it . I wish i felt alive when I still have a chance . Even when i die , I just want people to know that I was there
I was there with them in every moment
I was there when whey needed my help
I was there being everyone's funny friend
I was there loving them effortlessly
I was there being with them in there sad times
I was there holding there hands when they needed it
I was there to be punish instead of them
I was there when they needed to escape
I was always there .

I don't want people to just remeber me for a while when I'm gone . I want people to always remember me when they going through sad, happy times
I want people to be grateful because they had me
The day i die i want people to cry out loud because that day is the only day when people will think of only me and i will be the main character .
I hope atleast for some people i was worth being there friends or family