Kaafir.
The name her mother had called her.
5 letters.
In her life, letters and words didn't have much importance and this one wasn't different.
She was used it, she supposed. Maybe when you hear people say all types of words to you and to others in this dunya you get used it. Yet, these particular 5 letters had moved into her mind since the day her mother had said them.
Not in the sense where she would feel immense pain in her chest and a lodge in her throat--a feeling only certain words manifested--but in a sense where she would tilt her head and stare at the wall.
Had she gotten to a point in her life where that is what she would be called? Was this her final destination? Was this what her family would call her from now?
Kaafir.
Such hatred she felt at this word. How disgusting and awful it was. That was how she was raised to know it as and whilst this characterization of the word might not be correct, it felt awfully true when it was connected with her.
Being called atheist, agnostic or nihilist didn't feel as shameful as this one.
Maybe it is because it is exactly what she is. That's why it stings a part of her brain so much. Being called a atheist, agnostic or nihilist is okay. You can find a book or a video where a person would admit they are that wouldn't being embarrassed or humiliated by it; they would be proud of it even. Yet, you'll never find someone saying they're a kaafir.
It started when she was 8--well, that was what she estimated, it might've been much later than the age of 8 but she liked saying 8. It had a sort of innocence around it, a justification of sorts--it would be as simple as not wanting to pray or getting annoyed by the month of Ramadan approaching.
When she had reached 10, she began to wish she was born Christian. Why? Because it felt like she could spread her wings further in that field. She always saw Christian women wearing clothing which is considered slutty in her family and thought "Why couldn't that be me?".
Overtime, she discovered the term: atheist.
It seemed simple enough, right?
Atheist turned into agnostic.
Agnostic turned into something demonic, a hatred for all things God she couldn't explain.
She wasn't stupid by any means; they always told her she was smartest of all. And they also said that people like are said to be smarter. How could she deny?
Islam was said to be the religion of peace.
All it made her feel was rage.
She was jealous of the fact that people could say no to the other religions. But Islam? No. They worshipped it.
Maybe it did have some truth, yet she couldn't. This intense urge inside her to scream at Allah intensified as years passed on. She felt a something bubbling inside her chest, a urge to scream or throw it all out.
It seemed illegal even writing it down. This urge, this rage. It was disgusting. How would people love her? No. No. No.
She wasn't a monster! Her mother had always said that one day she would get mature, she would understand. This urge will pass away. She never told her mother she wished it never passed away. This anger couldn't justified.
She saw other people. They worshipped so easily. They believed so easily. She wished it was this easy for her at the same time but at the same time she didn't. She didn't want to be like them.
Some people told her they were like lambs, following. They were right, weren't they?! She wouldn't be manipulated as they were.
They also told her she would burn in hellfire. She would regret and this rage will turn into ash on the day she would return back to Allah.
She would often write in her diary.
Ya Allah, if you are the almighty, why don't you force me to obey you! I'm tired of having this war with myself. You have made me such a innovative creature yet you ask me not to be that and believe in something I cannot see or hear. How can you ask me for the impossible! Am I a just a joke for you?! A form of entertainment?! You say there is only one of you up there, is that why you have created me? My existence is merely a cure for your boredom being the high lord? You have absolutely nothing to do so you've created me, just to watch me suffer in agony?
