Welcome home

     I'm here again. I can't say I'm proud of myself, because I can't be proud of not visiting my dead friend often, but I know that if I do, I won't be able to raise Vi. So here am I, walking on the same path as I did two months ago, with a messy bouquet of flowers and another custom music box. The sun is almost gone, its warm golden shines with shades of red and purple are getting in my eyes through the trees. I'm not even there yet and I already start to cry. I stop and turn around. My eyes are getting itchy and facing the sun won't be the best idea. When did I get so emotional? I used to be so cold. Is this too much for me? Should I go back? It happened a few times for now to not being able to continue and just return home, lying Vi that I told her father about her and throwing the flowers in a trash can. If I can't go by myself now, what will I do when Vi will start to come with me? Do I need to be strong for me here or for her? I giggle as I blink fast for a couple of seconds, reminding me that even now, I'm still not good with feelings. So I turn on my heels and continue my way with a lump in my throat. Not long after, I see his tombstone and my feet start to tremble. I get closer and closer, until I'm facing it. My lips start to tremble, in order to stop some tears that plan to come out but it is too late. I'm not able to have a straight face yet. With a blurry gaze I read in my mind: "*Oliver Martinez 15th of July 1984 - 20th of November 2022 A great father and friend. The galaxy will miss the star you were in music.*" And I just lose it, falling on my knees. I scream his name like I did in that cursed day and I wish I could hold him in my arms like I did back then.
     "Oliver.." I whisper wiping my face.
Sour tears caress my cheeks down to my lips, touching my scar on the corner of my lip, making me lick it because of the discomfort.
     I slowly put down the music box turning it on. I forgot what number it is, but I remember the title, "A heart of a violin". Lost in his notes, I dare to touch the tombstone; a cold, hard, wet rock. My sight becomes blurry again, but I don't want to blink. I'm afraid that if I blink, I'll disappear, I'll be away from him, further than I already am. But my eyes are getting too wet and itchy, so with a stupid fear, like I could really disappear, I blink for a few times, my tears falling on his land.
     "It was a very long day, blonde boy..."
I miss calling him like this.
     "I miss you."
I take a pause.
     "I had two very difficult missions today, one of them almost failed when a girl with short blonde hair passed by, and I thought is was you. Violette is mad at me for not letting her visit you, she won't talk to me, look in my eyes or eat with me. She just trains and stays in her room with a copy of the photo I have with you in my wallet. I usually hear her sobbing and whispering your name. Mom and dad won't answer me, again. And the worst part is that they didn't block my number, they let the phone to ring, like they don't respond on purpose. Oliver...you left me.."
I burst into tears, trembling and squeezing the land on my hands. Then, thinking that I just need him to hear me, to listen to me like he used to did, I inhale and scream like I was the only person on earth and no one could hear me:
     "You fucking left me when I fucking needed you! You fucking left me when I was at my fucking lowest! And you made it worse! Lower! You fucking left me alone! And a fucking friend, someone who loves you wouldn't do some shit like that, Oliver!"
I instantly regret all my words. But I continue:
     "Why did you have to choose her? Choose Loxi! Why did you have to know the truth?! Why did you...why did you fight her?! Why did you kill her?! I know it was hard to believe or understand, but that wasn't a good fucking solution! Why did you start to smoke?! And drink?! That was my fucking thing! You were supposed to be the sunshine, the golden retriever!! You fucked up our lives, Oliver!! You fucked up Loxi's, you fucked up Violette's and you fucked up mine!! But at first, at the very beginning, you fucked up yours!! And now look at you! Covered in the ground!"
I suddenly start to hit the tombstone like it was my worst enemy.
     "What about our plans, huh?! What about them?? I'm telling you, nothing! Nothing about them!.. I want you back...I want to listen to you singing one more time, I want to let you bandage my wounds one more time, I want...everything one more time. I want a fucking second chance so I can take care of you like you did with me!"
I tell myself to shut up, to watch my next words. It's not his fault, why do I blame him? What it's wrong with me?
A light breeze passes and takes a rose petal in flight, carrying it to the sky. I start to calm down and I manage to get up and go behind the tombstone, sitting down against it. I get my knees up to my chest and I hug them zooming out. Until I speak:
     "Why am I so hard to love? I'm asking you because...well, you lived kind of a lovely life, with a lovely family and a lovely hobby, unlike me. Why I can't love? I mean...I know why, but why am I not able to fix this? Why mom and dad don't love me? Why did they throw me out of their life? You never knew...I have never talked to you about my past. But you always told me about yours, in different kind of ways. I'm sorry for not opening to you, I missed my chance. Why am I not loveable, but you loved me? Why I can't love but I loved you? Why did you let Violette in my hands? Why did you trust me so much? Why did you fall like that? What could I have had done for you to help and I haven't? Was I annoying when I was coming from missions and yelled at you? Did you feel hurt? Did your heart screamed at you back then for being quiet and let me be? Did you ever...regret of meeting me? 'Cause I never did. What was the meaning of us being friends? What was the meaning of that night we spent together and had sex after we got drunk? What was the meaning of the cuddles that were after that? Were you meant to die? Am I meant to live? I want answers, Oliver. Why are you so quiet? Did I say something wrong? Did I hurt you? I'm sorry, Oli-...blonde boy. Oh, you *blonde boy*, why were you such an angel? Is this a dream? Will I just close my eyes right now and when I'll open them I'll see Violette in the door frame, slamming it with a mad look, like I use to see? And then, will I check my phone for missions and Violette will come, get in my bed and cry like she always does? Do you ever watch above us, Oliver? Is your soul sad to see us like this? Would you like to revive? To give us another chance? To give *me* another chance? Oh, you *blonde boy*, I miss you with all my heart!... I don't want to come back.. Would you call me to visit you again? Would you want to see me again? Crying, missing you?"
The song on the music box stops. A silence surrounds me as I just close my eyes and let the tears fall. Oliver. Oliver, Oliver, Oliver..
When I open my eyes, a dark image surprise me. I didn't notice the time. I get up, wipe my tears apart, fix the music box next to the others, fix the flowers too and then I face the grave.
     "Violette is probably waiting for me at the window. I should go by now. See you next time, *blonde boy*."
With a last view on the grave, like I was checking if everything was perfect and I didn't forget anything, I sigh and turn away starting to walk back home.
At home, I don't get the chance to take my keys out 'cause Violette already opens the door, holding it. A warm light is coming from inside, covering her back as her face and me as well, are covered in the dark from outside.
     "Did Papa asked about me?" she asked standing in the door frame.
     "Yes, he did. And he was happy to hear how a good girl you are." I say as taking her inside.
     "Now, let's go. I bet you're hungry. What about your favourite tonight?"