I watched her get the phone and how her face lost the sooner smile that had rested on her lips from our conversation before. The women's face was blank and frozen, her eyes the tiniest bit opened in shock. She stilled on the bed, her shoulders stiffened like the rest of her body. It was such a major change in atmosphere that I could even feel her tension. The only person that could ruin a mood like this would be Emilio and even though it was just a slight feeling I had, I was extremely sure it was him, she was talking to.
It were only a few moments, nothing that lasted long or could have contained a lot of information, but apparently it was enough to crash her, destroy her deeply. Just a few moments and Ainara wasn't relaxed anymore, talking with me, opening up, being happy for at least a few minutes. It was over and it was difficult to not notice.
She put the phone down, stared at the black display for a second, then her eyes met mine. My stomach dropped to see the spark in them gone completely. As if she wasn't even there mentally. She looked broken and I prayed through the sting I felt that it wasn't the final hit she took right in front of my eyes. The final hit that had broke her completely.
I still didn't know what he said to her and I hated how I had no power to help. I was utterly helpless. Then I realised it wasn't because I didn't know what he had said to her, I couldn't help her because she didn't let me. Her wall was up again, fragile but still up. It was on her if she let me help her or not. It was on her to steady our connection, to be honest for once.
I was helpless because she had to let me help her in order for us to fight together. Fight for us. It should have been our decision- the both of us, but now it was on her and her alone.
For a second I saw something in her eyes, then she lowered her gaze, hastily removed the blanket from her body and stumbled out of the bed and lastly the room.
Looking at the now closed door, I found myself confronted with a choice I had to make. I could stay away. Away from her pain. Or I could follow her. Maybe right into perdition.
A second passed until I hurried out of the room myself, running after her. My heart was beating quickly, pumping the blood through my vains like I was running for my life. I quickly searched for any sign of her until my eyes followed a noise in the corner. It was another door that closed and I knew it was her who just ran into the bathroom.
Without thinking any further I sprinted towards the door, hoping I would reach it before she could lock it.
Right when I grabbed the doorknob a clicking noice destroyed my hopes. Now she had really left me out of everything. Her wall had never been more perceptible, now, that there was a real lock protecting her from me and everyone around her.
I knocked loudly, my hand staying on the wood. "Nara! Please."
Another noise followed but it wasn't the lock. She was throwing up, flushed and coughed again.
"Nara," I repeated, softer this time, "Let me in..."
"Go away," she finally answered.
Her voice didn't sound like herself. It was weak, lifeless.
"Let me in," I said again.
"You'll just get hurt." She answered, forlorn.
"You do hurt me, Ainara, but not how you think you do. You're just hurting both of us by forming another wall between us... We've just talked about this shit."
I sank down against the door, sitting down onto the floor, frustration rushing through my body. I wished to be angry, I really did. It would have been easier because it would have allowed me to not feel the deeply unsettling emotions I experienced in that moment. My arms stayed on my knees while I tilted my head to the side, staring at the door. I didn't care if someone saw me like this, the only one that mattered was out of reach for me and it made me crazy.
"Whatever Emilio said, we'll get through it, Nara."
Right when I said his name she began to cough again, throwing up not only two heartbeats later. My heart clenched. What did he do? What did the asshole say to her?
I was desperate to get her to just let me in and I didn't recognize my own voice. I had never felt this vulnerable and hurt, on the verge of possibly losing too much this time. The thought of losing her made me uneasy.
My feet pushed against the floor harder, as if it would disappear at any moment and my body would fall if I didn't hold onto it strong enough.
I heard her flushing again, then another noise that sounded like she fell to the floor. Another noise and I was certain she leaned against the door. Just like I did.
So close, yet so far away. Out of reach, out of any help I could give her. I knew I could help her, I knew I had so much to give. That was something new I had learned about me. And only because of her. I knew I was able to give, not only receive like I thought. She made me a better man. Her pain was my pain and I had my doubts about how healthy it really was, but there was this undeniable feeling that we were meant to met. I didn't know why, didn't know why two broken people should have any chance, let alone heal each other... I didn't care if we were meant to be or not, it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was her.
I whispered against the door, desperate but still having hope she would hear me. Listen to me.
"I won't go away. I will stay right here. It's too late for you to safe me, Nara... You know why?"
I had to breath in and out, pausing to make sure my next words wouldn't come out light-heartedly.
"Because I've already fallen."
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