Too optimistic to be pessimistic

Chapter 13 "The Grave Visit"

While I am in Atlanta, Georgia for a couple of days, I am staying at my mother-in-law, Mary Allen's, place until I go back to the army training camp.
    
I arrived in town about a week ago. As soon as the train made it to town I was hit with so many emotions. The ones that stuck out the most were both relief and sadness. Relief because I was back at home and I could see everyone again. I also felt sadness because the one person I wanted to see I couldn't. I walked to Mary's house. It wasn't a far walk from the station, only about 10 minutes. I also wanted to walk to have this time to myself and think.
I still have yet to cry when I made it to town. I would hope it would stay like that. But it was short lived because as soon as I saw her face I started tearing up and my lip started to wobble. She was standing there with her hands behind her back with a small smile. She was a small woman. She was wearing a small white sweater with lace trailing the inside. She was wearing a pink nightgown underneath. Her gray hair was pulled back in a low bun. Pieces of her hair falling down on her forehead. 

When she saw this she slowly walked up to me and gently put her arms around me. As soon as her arms made contact I cried in her arms and even screamed. I never realized I was in so much pain until that moment.

I am still preparing myself for when I see Kassie's grave. Mary says that she would love to go with me when I do go today but she has things to do.

All the preparation I did is for this reason right here... right now.
   
As I make my way to the grave site my mind is going a million miles an hour. Mary told me where I could find her grave.
   
On my way over there I felt nervous but with excitement mixed in with it. As soon as I saw the big Iron Gate coming up I could feel the threat of hot tears coming into my eyes. Right as I touched the gate I could feel my throat closing up and I wanted to choke out a cry, but I held it in and I don't even know. I guess it was because I didn't want Kassie to see me cry just yet.
   
As I entered the cemetery and was walking down the sidewalk to her grave I started to tear up. I cried even more when I decided to look at everybody's graves.
   
Mary told me that her grave was under a huge tree with beautiful white roses and purple leaves. White roses were always Kassie's favorite when she was alive. I would give her a white rose almost every day just because I felt like it and for every Valentine's Day I would give her a dozen of them and every single time I did she would tear up.
   
I thought nothing about Kassie until I came up to her grave. I would still glance at the other graves.
   
I just kept walking lost in my world with nothing but happy memories about me and Kassie together. It was almost like my feet had a mind of their own. It almost didn't seem real at first. I was just walking and I even imagined Kassie walking hand in hand with me at the park as we would always do every Saturday.
   
We would have the best conversations ever. I remember one when she would talk about her favorite spot in the whole town. Her face would light up every time she would talk about it. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen. Mainly because it was her doing it.
 
"Justin, this is my favorite tree in the whole town. Do you know why?" She asked me.
   
Of course, I knew the reason but I wanted her to tell me why. So I pretended not to know and told her, "No I don't know why."
   
She looked at me with loving and beautiful eyes. She told me gently, "Because of the white roses. They are my absolute favorite." She looked away from me and looked up at the tree. She smiled and said, "They are just perfect and beautiful in every way possible."
   
I couldn't help but say, "Just like you my love."
   
She looked at me fast and smiled.
   
I gave her a gentle kiss on her lips.'
   

When the memory ended I found myself on my knees right in front of her grave and under her favorite tree in the world. I stayed there and sat in front of her grave. Even more, tears came down. I tried so hard to hold it in then I just busted out crying. My back arched and my forehead on her grave and my left hand to my face. I could feel her sitting behind me with right hand on my back. I just made me cry even more.

I looked up and started to raise my voice at her. "Why Kassie? Why did you have to die? Right when I was called into the army. We were supposed to be a family with kids and live happily ever after with them. But know that can't happen because you are gone."
   
I stayed quiet for a little longer so I can collect my mind and find out what the heck I had just done. When I realized that I yelled at my wife's grave I teared up and gently apologized to her. "I am so sorry that I yelled at you Kassie please forgive me. I have been holding those emotions in me ever since I found out you passed away and I just let it out when I got the chance when I was alone."
   
I picked some of the white roses from the tree and placed them around Kassie's grave. Four of them on each side stuck them in the ground and gently placed two of them right in front of her stone.
   
I kneeled once again, but this time to pray for her. "Rest. In. Peace. My beautiful wife and let your soul go in the heavenly paradise. I shall join you one day once it is my turn. I Love You Forever Kassie Allen Knight."

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