Allies and Enemies (AoT Reader Insert)

Chapter 35: To You, Who Fate Stole

Marco,

       I always imagined that I'd love you forever. That my heart would always ache with longing now that you're gone. That my cheeks would flush and my pulse would race. That the words I've always exclusively used just for you would always just be yours.

I guess I could tell you that I don't cry when someone mentions your name. That I've stopped searching for the little notes you used to leave for me.

I always imagined we'd stay exactly as we were. I suppose you have, but like the flow of a rushing river, I have ultimately changed. Ever so similar but forever changed. Time is cruel and moves regardless of wishes and pleas; and ever did I wish that you and I would forever stay the same.

Would you be upset knowing I've moved on?

You were always so kind and accepting. Or at least I think you were.

I think you were quiet and that you kept to yourself, but those memories are contradicted with you loudly declaring your dream. I can't remember which is real. I can't remember which is you.

It gets harder and harder for me to recall your face. To remember if you had freckles or dark skin. I can't recall if your hair was brown or black, or if your eyes were a shade of green. Sometimes I can't remember if a memory of you is one we experienced together or if it's one that I've made up myself.

I used to always dream of you. Of your smile and your laugh. Of the life we'd have if you never died.

How selfish of me, huh? Considering I'm the reason for your death in the first place.

Did you curse me in your final moments? Did you wish that I'd suffer just as you had? Or were you kind? Did you wonder about everything that could have been? Did you doubt my feelings for you?

I know I did.

Today, I know for certain that I loved you, but back then I could have never been sure. Afterall, love only seems to have begun after it has ended. I think a part of me was scared to know if I really loved you because it would make everything else seem so real. Everything that was slipping away at my fingertips and the world that was falling apart would suddenly stop. All because I found you.

I loved the way you made me feel.

So warm and pleasant.

I loved the way you smiled.

I loved you.

My feelings, forever as changing as they are volatile, chose to love you because you would forever be what I needed back then. I've given you a part of me that once again can never be returned. A part of me that's seemed to do nothing but hurt you and tear you apart.

Why did you ever love someone like me?

I can't seem to wrap my head around it.

I was never there when you needed me. I never picked up the pieces of your heart that I constantly broke. I never cared for how you might've felt when I did something that showed fondness towards another. I was never able to make you smile the way Jean had and I could never make you laugh like Mina, yet you still chose me. Strange, huh? I could never even make you feel safe the way Reiner made everyone feel. I couldn't even choose to keep you alive, so how could you love me?

How could you have ever loved someone that chose themself first?

Marco- (the rest of this sentence has been scribbled out).

Sorry.

Did you know sparks used to fill my hands when ours touched. It was as though my heart was just moments away from bursting.

I'm not really sure why I wrote that... but I think it's something that would have made you smile. You always made me smile - especially when your warm hand wrapped around my own. Or was your hand cold?

I guess telling the temperature of others was never a strong suite of mine. Overheating Titan Shifter things that you probably don't know.

Remember when you thought I caught a fever? My face was flushed and my skin was burning, but it definitely wasn't for the reason that you thought it was for. I only went to the infirmary because you were so concerned. Do you remember how it resulted in me running laps for wasting time. Do you remember how you ran those laps with me because of how bad you felt?

It still makes me smile today.

Sometimes I wish we could still run those laps together. A time when everything meant less yet somehow so much more. A moment when I could be happy without reservations. A time when I could just be myself without any repercussions. When the worst thing that could happen was running laps.

But it's not my place to wish for such things. Not when I've done so many bad things.

I think I would scare you if you knew even half the things I've done. You likely wouldn't be able to look at me the same ever again.

Who would've thought a bunch of kids would end up bringing the world so much pain and suffering? Who would have thought so much pain and suffering could be brought on by someone like me?

You never knew this, but where I'm from children trained to kill. Not Titans though. Humans. We're plucked from our homes and brainwashed to think that we were less than others and that we needed to fight and kill to earn our places in the world. We needed to become Warriors if we ever wished to be human. I wonder what you think of that? If you'd be horrified or pitiful. Frankly I wouldn't be surprised with either reaction.

Being a scout isn't much better. Taking people when they're most impressionable, all for the notion of surviving. Knowing it's the only way if you hope to make your life better. Believing that you were simply made to die.

Such pitiful children we are.

But you were never pitiful and that's what I loved most about you. Regardless of how everyone around you seemed to view the world you always saw the best. You always believed in the greater good and that things would get better if only you worked hard enough. And while others would call you naive, to me you'll always be a hero.

Heroes help people see the better side of the world.

Heroes change lives.

Heroes do their best to make everything better.

But, most sadly, heroes die for those they love.

I wish you didn't love me.

Truthfully and sincerely, (Y/n) (L/n)

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AN: Apologies for posting this chapter later than usual. This chapter wasn't coming out the way I wanted it to for a while but I eventually landed on a version I believe conveys what I wanted it to.