Spiritual Diary

Thoughts in the Breeze

I speak to God out in the open spaces and feel His Spirit in the wind, but when it comes time to ac t– to work, and to interact – to speak to people – I cannot.

The wind I am speaking about today is the wind that blows across the Mojave Desert. I walk beside the juniper grove, and I am daydreaming – in a manner of speaking. I daydream stories that will probably never happen and put my friends in these stories as characters rather than build real-life relationships. I speak words aloud, but once I have spoken them, they no longer are for my own brain's construct, but are caught by the wind, and I know the Ruach heard. 

I look across to the horizon – the sky is covered in clouds. Not gray clouds, but blue, and delicate pink, and 24k gold. If any human designer could imitate it, they would be rich indeed.

I tell the Ruach my problems, and I hope that only the good Spirit heard. For when you pray aloud, who knows who might be listening? I ask God to drive away all evils and protect me from them. I hang up the clothes, and reflect on my shortcomings. I only help around the house when I have to – when it directly benefits me. Shortcoming number 1. Laziness and selfishness, if you wish to paint with the broad colors.

I laze in the house and play video games – shortcoming number infinite. My schoolwork lays undone; I may not graduate. That is addiction, and one I barely feel I can fight. Often I half-heartedly pray, "God, help me," and then there I am playing a game or surging the Web rather than working.

I feel the Being in the wind and believe that He/She loves me anyway, but how hard must I pray until God reaches down and straightens all the twists and dead ends of my self-deceiving heart? I wish it were soon. I wish He would do it without me having to suffer and work first. I wish I had been born without a sin nature.

Pray for me that the stones and be removed from my heart, please.