I walked out of my room putting on that same mask I wear everyday the same mask I wear at home at school and at family dinners. I stop by the bathroom looking in the mirror only to find myself immediately looking away in horror I see a monster staring back at me its face is covered in small scars it picks at, its hair is greasy and unbrushed it's eyes have horrible bags under them and it's teeth are yellow and ugly. Everyone says this monster is "handsome" or "pretty" but I can see it for what it really is. I walk out of the bathroom to find the man I've known all my life lying on the couch. it's his day off "dad can you help me make breakfast" I ask timidly feeling bubbles of anger and sadness come up just from seeing him. He turns his head to look at me and all he says is "your clothes have holes in them go change" he huffs out.
I stare at him blankly for about a minute before I respond. "Oh it's just a small one it's fine no one cares" I try to brush it off praying he won't care. His eyes change they go from calm to angry and upset in a flash boy am I in for it now. I brace myself for the yelling and screaming and crying but it never came. He just stares before he opens his mouth "whatever." Is he all says before he goes back to his laptop.
I sigh realizing there's going to be no breakfast. Your probably wondering why I don't make it myself? It's not because I can't. If I'm being honest I'm used to everyone being lazy so I do it to I just grab my bag and head to school hoping no one says anything about my face.
I step into school looking for one of 5 people who can actually make me smile She isn't here. I grumble and then sit in the corner hiding in my hoodie trying not to be seen. Everyone wants to be seen but I don't, I don't anyone to see me I know all they see is the monster in the mirror. I make my way to the bathroom to splash my face with cold water in a attempt to wake myself up. Instead I end up running in the stall when I hear the voices of the older girls.
"Shit" I mumble to myself as I get comfortable. I know I'll be here for awhile they never want to leave. I start feeling the walls closing in on me. 'No no fuck not now!' I mentally scream at my body to stop but my vision blurs and the tears start flowing. I hate the way they feel on my face it's always been a weakness to cry in my world. It means your sensitive and no one wants to be sensitive. If your sensitive you get hurt. If your gentle, kind or trusting you get hurt.
That's the sad truth about the real world. It's not meant for sensitive people especially not kids like me. Being sensitive has always been something I wish I could control but I can't it's apart of me and I wish it wasn't. The smallest jokes make me upset it's not really being sensitive it's because I believe them. "Fuck.." I struggle to get that one word out my voice cracks and tries to quiet itself.
"Are you ok?" I hear a girls voice ask through the black stall door. I won't say a thing. If I do I'll start crying again and plus she doesn't even care I know that from experience. They will just ask them if you say no they leave. Why should they care? You don't know them. I start imagining what she looks like I can see this amazing girl with long brown hair, black eyeliner and amazing clothes. I start crying even more. I wanna be pretty but I also don't I just want to be hot you know? I want boys to see me as this handsome man.
"Fuck off.." I manage to nearly a whisper. I hear a loud scoff and then stomping. Good I scared her away. I find my cousin he always makes me smile when I'm sad. We go to our first class everything is great then he makes a joke I take to seriously. 'No no you idiot don't tell me that now!' I yell at him through my mind. I know people are looking, he's being awfully loud today. Eventually I hear the two words I love the words that take the pain off my chest.
"I'm joking" I hear him say with a small chuckle. I start laughing it off my mask almost slipping but I catch it and laugh harder. I make it through that day without it slipping again luckily. I finally make it home running to the monster in the mirror. This monster is supposed to be a boy but I see it's girly fingers run across it's face. 'You'll never be a real boy.' I say in my head because I know what this monster really is. He's is me every part of him. He has the body of a girl he will never be real. I run away from the mirror. I avoid them at all costs because the mirror shows what I really am. Every time I see it I think "the fuck do you have the be confident about"? And run.
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