He can never know

2/14/22

Band practice, as usual... I swear it's the only thing keeping me from exploding these days. I'm so focused on playing that it distracts me from him. When I'm playing all I can think about is the music and that's good or else I would be completely doomed. He's just so amazing with his untamable hair, awesome guitar skills and the way he feels just like home when I'm around him. Oh Ray Toro, if only you knew... "Shut up" I tell myself, "It can never happen, it would only mess up the band". And that's what I tell myself every day, "It can never happen. He can never know." Hopefully I will grow out of it... Oh who am I kidding? I've felt for him for years now and the feeling is only growing. "Mikey!" Gerard yelled, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Sorry, sorry.. What is it?" I reply. "You've been staring off into space for a while now, just makin sure you're okay." "I'm fine, thanks.." Gerard gave me a knowing look before heading outside to the bus.God that was embarrassing... I seriously need to stop spacing out so much. Everyone is starting to notice. I mean I'm not too obvious about it but still they could start asking questions. I told Gerard about my "crush" a few months back and he's cool with it but he wants me to talk to Ray about it... Ya like that's gonna happen. I've kept my feelings hidden this long, I'm not about to blab about them to the one person I definitely do not want to know. I look at the time and see that it's already 10 pm and everyone has left the room we were practicing in. "Shit" I thought, "I hope they don't ask why I'm late." I finish packing my stuff up and put it away. I then quickly get to the bus before anyone wonders where I am. As I get to the door though I hear an interesting conversation between Gerard and Frank. "I swear he's head over heels for him Frank, I'm actually kind of worried. He's been spacing out a lot more and isn't as happy.""Yeah, I've noticed that too... But are you sure It's because of Ray?" Frank says back quiet enough that I have to press my ear to the door. "Yes it is. I mean I told Mikey to talk to him but he is afraid that if he does he will be rejected and ruin the band." Gerard says with a sigh. "Honestly I think they would be cute together... Don't you think so Mikey?" Frank asks. Now I'm at a loss for words (not that I wasn't before) but how the hell did Frank know I was listening in!? I push my thoughts away as I slowly walk in. I'm torn between giving them death glares or very confused looks. I settle for my signature poker face that the fans always seem to be talking about. I only do it so much so people won't find out about my feelings for Ray though. As I stand in front of Gerard and Frank I think about the question I was asked. I mean I've actually never thought about it much... Yeah I would want to date Ray but would we be a good match? Or would the fans "ship it" if it ever happened? I settle on just shrugging because honestly I don't trust myself to speak right now. Frank and Gerard just give each other smirks before heading off to bed. I'm left standing alone in the middle of the bus with just my thoughts. This goes on for about 5 minutes before Bob yells for me to turn the lights off. I oblige and start to get ready for bed myself. I get to my bunk, which is unfortunately under Ray's. I say unfortunately because I can't do anything without him hearing. Whether it be crying, getting out to go to the bathroom or to get food, he always knows. It also doesn't help much that he is a very light sleeper so I usually wake him up a lot during the nights. I swear I have the worst luck when it comes to this considering Bob, Gerard and Frank are all fairly heavy sleepers. After a few hours of restless sleep I wake up from a bad dream. I can't even remember what it was about but I know it wasn't good because I'm crying now. "Great" I think, "Not only do I not remember why I'm such a mess right now but I'll probably wake someone up too." Not wanting that, I quietly get up and go to the couch, wrap myself in a blanket and try to calm down. After a minute sitting there I hear a noise coming from the bunks. I look over and Ray soon emerges. "Hey Mikey, are you alright?" He asks sleepily while walking over and sitting down next to me. "I'm fine Ray." I say and look away so he can't see my tears. I try to wipe them away but he catches my arm before I can. "Mikey look at me." He says calmly. I don't look at him for a while but he waits and I finally give in. As soon as he sees my tears he has a worried expression on and is wiping them away for me. I can't help the butterflies in my stomach as his fingers softly move along my face. I look down and twist my hands from being so nervous. Again he asks what's wrong and this time I meet his gaze. I open my mouth but no sound comes out and I look down in embarrassment. "A lot of things." I finally whisper, still looking at my lap. "I had a bad dream.." What he does next surprises me but I don't complain. He leans towards me and wraps his arms around my shoulders in a comforting hug. I hug back and put my face in the crook of his neck. We stay like that for a while until he finally lets go. I felt a pang of sadness but pushed it away. "Do you remember the dream at all?"I shake my head and again look down. I feel my cheeks growing warm and wait for him to laugh or leave but he does neither. He stays where he is and nods. "What else was bothering you?" He questions. "It's nothing, I promise." I say back to him, knowing I have just spoken the biggest lie ever. Apparently he knows this as well because he says, "So you're over me then?" I look up at him shocked and see a small smile playing at his lips. I then think back to Frank and Gerard's conversation earlier... If I could hear them from outside then Ray could definitely hear them from the bunks. Before I can say anything though, he says, "I overheard Frank and Gerard talking, I wasn't going to say anything until morning." I'm still looking at him shocked but I quickly regain my composure. "I'm sorry" I say standing up and backing away, "I never wanted you to find out so exactly this wouldn't happen." I feel tears streaming down my face again. "Well... so much for composure." I think. Suddenly Ray is standing as well and grabbing my wrist so I can't leave. "You didn't let me finish." He says and pulls me closer, "I wasn't going to say anything until morning so I could be sure we were alone for when I did this." He then slowly grabs my waist and leans in. When I can feel his breathe on my face I really start to freak out. "Oh my god... This is happening now. I don't know how but it is. Seriously Mikey just shut up and kiss him." Seconds later I feel his lips on mine and close my eyes. It isn't a rough or passionate kiss, it's soft and sweet. I place my hands on his shoulders and sigh a little. We pull back and sit on the couch again. I wrap the blanket around us and I lean back into Ray and smile. I look back at him and say, "Finally." He nods in agreement and hugs me to his chest. As I fall asleep he kisses my temple. "Sweet dreams." He whispers and that's the last thing I hear before sleep envelopes me. I wake up cuddled next to Ray. I smile remembering and turn to get up only to realize that Gerard, Frank and Bob are standing over us with smirks on their faces. "I told you." Gerard says just as Ray wakes up. Ray looks around and blinks. As he sees Frank, Bob and Gee smirking down at them he groans and rolls over... off the couch, bringing me with him. "Ah shit!" He says into the blanket that has conveniently smothered his face as everyone cracks up around them. Ray lets go of me and lets me save him from the deathly blanket. We get to our feet and walk past the 3 laughing idiots to get ready for the day. As soon as we have some privacy again I turn to Ray and say, "So what does this make us?" "Well that depends" I hear him reply as I change my shirt. "Do you want to be my boyfriend?" I turn to him with a huge smile and pull him into a kiss. "That is a yes by the way," I say as I pull back. "A very big yes.""I thought that might be your answer." Ray says smiling and kissing me again.

I look back on those days a lot and think, "If it weren't for my idiot brother and his idiot husband then I wouldn't have this ring." And I don't think I've ever been happier in my entire life.

~Mikey James Toro

2/14/22