Grey Butterfly

Wake up!

Cold tea, green grass. Mornings never amuse me since they have remained the same since forever. Going over my dreams from last night's 6 hours sleep, confirmed by my smart watch, but I barely remember sleeping an hour at peace. Wish I could record my dreams to revisit during my evenings, instead of wasting my mornings. I could be using this morning to figure out stuff for my first day at my new job..... who am I kidding? I am drinking a cold tea for god's sake.

I have had this weird feeling since I woke up. I am sure it is not about the new job. It is my third job in five years. Can't stop thinking how good the new job and the new pay is going to be, regardless of the weird feeling that I am unable to brush off. Decision making time if I have to shower in cold water or hot water. Monsoon has been like my ex-girlfriend's period cycle, neither here nor there. I can say with the way the sky looks that it might rain at any second. But I've been saying this from the beginning of the monsoon and I haven't seen a drop. On the bright side, there is no harsh sun.

Finally gathered my spirit and balls towards a cold shower. Placed my hands on the wall like Cinthol commercial models, focusing on the water drops falling off my nose tip. Contemplating my mixed feelings of excitement from my new job and the unshakable weird feeling. Then things started to fall into place. It is the dream, the same fucking dream that would not leave me for the past six years. The same exact dream has once again come back after at least 7 months of peaceful nights, the same old airport.

I am walking towards the entrance of the airport building. I can see flights leaving and arriving in my peripheral vision as the runway is on my left. The empty long road leading into the airport building gives me chills every single time I've had this dream. It feels like this airport exists in a different plane where there is no life other than me. Aircraft windows and windshields are transparent, but I do not see a single human inside them. As I walk close to the entrance, I expect to hear chatter of passengers and staff, but it is always a haunting silence every time. The only sounds I hear are the tires making contact with the asphalt and the engine roars. The information boards keep refreshing with arrivals and departures. No matter how hard I try reading the boards, I fail to decipher the writings, though the language is English. It feels like I lose the ability to read when I enter this dream.

There are no security personnel at the entrance. There are no people in the walkway or hallway. Shops are stocked, baggage claim conveyors are running constantly empty, escalators and elevators move regularly, but there are no people. I have free access to all parts of this airport. Tried multiple times to walk inside an aircraft, but for some reason the moment I enter the aircraft, I seem to appear back at the hallway. Sometimes amidst my peaceful walks within the airport premises, I hear feeble footsteps casually walking around. I have no idea if that belongs to one other person or multiple people. It is a rare occurrence, but I have never tried to follow the sound.

Sometimes I walk to the end of the runway and sit down. The hot rubber smell of the taking off aircrafts hit me while I sat there. I challenge myself to get as close as possible to that lifting aircraft front tires. An aircraft from my dream cannot possibly harm me right? But I have woken up with scratches and nicks on my body that actually happened when I bang into something or scrape my skin on stuff on the airport, in my dreams. I always conclude that I am imagining things and relating real life incidents with the things that happen in my dreams. But the feeling I always have is that I am not remembering a lot of things that happen in these dreams. Because I wake up with different types of emotions during different nights, with the lasting memory after I wake up being the exact same. It is getting late for work.

Thought of going to the office on my motorcycle, but took the car instead to avoid going to the office drenched on my first day; and there was no rain. My new office was in its own standalone building within an IT campus. It is the place where you see the most number of pretentious and broken people. I always avoid looking into the faces of strangers walking inside the campus. Every face tries to say something, which is not what I want right now. Whatever is happening in my life right now is overwhelming enough. Walked directly to my office floor reception to collect my access card. Same type of arrangement with a slightly different coloured furniture. Cubicles, sticky notes that are never looked again after being stuck, fake ass potted plants, branded coffee machine with single serving sugar sachets, vending machine with snacks that are not allowed on the floor, tall chairs like the ones on Starbucks window corner, cigarette smell mixed with expensive perfumes bought on monthly instalments, phones and gadgets that are not affordable with the salary they offer, it's all the same.

Orientation, it is like the safety instructions given on an aeroplane, no one is paying attention including me. Wanted to pee really bad and finally the shit show was over. After sharing some fake pleasantries, I walked straight to the restroom. The restroom was two work bays away from my bay. The two bays in between were not used and lights were turned off. I could see the restroom lights in the distance but it kept getting dark and dark as I moved away from my work bay. After finishing my business I came out and had this feeling that the distance between the restroom and the work bay area has increased threefold somehow. I kept walking towards the work bay but all of a sudden I realised that the place was completely silent. It felt like the sounds were muffled out of existence, creating this odd hymn of silence in my ears. For a second I thought I was dreaming again but everything around me had a physical presence. I could interact with things, unlike my dreams. And then, I heard those feeble footsteps. I turned back and found the restroom was no more there. It was a long never ending hallway with weak lighting. All of a sudden the feeble footsteps got stronger and started running towards my back. In panic I turned around and got shocked by a couple of women coming to the restroom. The sounds returned, the restroom was back and did not seem far away anymore, and my senses were back active. One of those girls asked,

"Why were you standing still here and... why are you sweating in this air conditioned space?"

I couldn't say anything except,

"Nothing... just nothing. Some thoughts... ah..ah... just a bad day. I will be alright, thanks!"

Pretty sure that the two women are talking about how weird I was. Got curious about what they were really talking about, so I turned back to catch some sound. Again, sounds vanished, the restroom moved far, and this time there was only one woman standing there, looking away from me. It Feels like my body is being drained of all energy I have, while I am freezing in the wildest chill I have ever felt. The woman standing there started talking while facing away from me,

"Maybe you should ask yourself why you quit your old job and came here, to me!"

Her voice gave me chills down the spine. It was screechy yet mellow, windy yet poignant and human but not. I got the feeling that she was about to turn and face me, so something said inside me to run. As I turned back fast, I took a leap to be hit by an office chair and fall down. From the distance I heard a female voice again,

"Are you really okay or should I call someone?"

This time it was the same woman who previously talked to me. Everything back to normal, except the other woman standing with her has not turned towards me. There were things happening in my mind and body that had no explanations. I could only gesture that I was fine and I kept walking back to my bay. All day I kept thinking about the incident and her question about my last job. However hard I thought, there was no recollection about the reason why I quit my old job or why I came here. And what did she mean that I came to her? Who was that other woman with the one who spoke with me, and why can't I remember her face? I might have used the restroom a couple more times today but nothing weird happened again. Leaving home with so many questions and a fear of darkness.