Why... (voltron angst)

The Deaf boy I met on the bridge

 Art by Ikimaru on instagram

Deaf!Lance. Trans!Keith

Tw: self-harm scars, implied transphobia, suicidal thoughts, character suicide

It gets better towards the end ^^

    Keith's collage years were supposed to be better, but he's basically living through high school a second time. Asshole teachers, fake friends, harassment, and crazy amounts of studying for test he's going to fail anyways were pushing him to the limit. What's the point of any of it? He decided there wasn't.

    He folded his clothes and put his things in boxes, he figured it make it easier for his roommates and friends to clear out after he was gone. He messaged his older brother to come out before he left. A quick and simple message, "hey Shiro, I wanted to tell you that I'm transgender. i use he/him pronouns, please don't call me Katie anymore, its Keith now." he sent the message without a second thought, because it wasn't going to matter if Shiro hated him; he'd be long gone. He left a note for his roommate, Pidge, apologizing for everything and nothing and he was sorry to do this to them. 

    As he was finished pinning his note to Pidge on the fridge, his phone went off, presumably a new message from Shiro. Keith put his shoes on and walked out the door, reading Shiro's message. "Really?" it was just one word, but it hurt Keith in a way he couldn't explain. No response was given, but the silence spoke enough to both ends.

    He walked. Halfway across the city, actually. To get to the bridge he would end his life on. He passed a girl and her mother who couldn't get a cat out of the tree, he passed a man and a woman fighting in their car, he passed a woman humming a lullaby Keith's mother once sang to him. All these things seemed so real, yet so fake at the same time. "Everyone is living their own lives, in their own world," he thought bitterly. 

    He stopped when he got to the bridge, suddenly it hit him. It hit him that he was about to jump off a bridge and kill himself and he expected it to scare him and make him turn away, but it hadn't. He'd been through enough pain and hell on earth. He had made his decision.

    However, he did not see the boy standing there already. When he'd seen him finally from a few meters away, he called out, "What are you doing?" The boy in the blue hoodie didn't respond, he didn't even look Keith's way. Keith walked up and stood beside the boy, who seemed startled at first. Keith tried to talk to him, but was met with silence from the boy, "Sorry," the boy said quietly, "I can't hear. I'm Deaf," Keith nodded, "I know a little bit of ASL," he signed. The boy looked a bit shocked- likely because ASL isn't commonly known in this part of the city. "You know ASL?" the boy signed back, his brows furrowed to express it was a question. Keith signed a yes, "What's your name?" he asked. The boy finger spelt his name twice, "LANCE." 

    They went on with a small conversation before Keith's stomach dropped. "Sorry, but are you a boy or a girl?" Lance asked. "Boy," Keith signed back, "My name is KEITH." "KEITH," Lance repeated the spelling, "I like your name." Keith gave a small smile before it fell, when Lance signed to him, "Don't jump." Keith tried to play it if as if that thought had never crossed his mind, Lance gave an empathetic look in return. "I saw your wrist," the signs held emotion, "I know your here to jump." Keith's emotions were already on blast, he didn't need a stranger telling him to stay alive, what bullshit. "Don't act like we've been friends for years," he responded, angerly. Lance turned his attention back over the bridge, on the sky and river below. "I came to jump too," he signed after a moment. It hurt Keith and he had only known the guy for 30 minutes.  "But talking with you made it clear that there's more than I'm seeing. If I do this, then I'm hurting my family, my friends," his attention turned back to Keith, "I'd miss out on things. Like falling in love and graduating collage." 

    Keith just stood and watched Lance sign; his heart ached. Family, friends, love, everything he wants to give up is the same reason he wants to stay, what is he supposed to be?

    "You don't want to jump," he signed, "you want to feel okay." Keith felt a tear fall, how could a stranger read him so easily? "Hey," Lance spoke, "you're okay."  Keith put a hand on Lance's shoulder, "Thank you."

  ////////////////////////////////////////////

   I never saw you after that, but you saved my life that night. I wish I had asked for your number, snapchat, anything. You were a good guy and the only reason I went home that night. But somethings always goes wrong. Three months after that night, I woke up to a knock on my dorm. Groggily, I rolled out of bed and go to answer the door. It was a young woman, maybe 19, who looked strikingly similar to him. "Are you Keith?" She asked, she signed while she spoke, and I immediately knew that was your younger sister. "Yeah," I replied. She looked away for less than a second and she told me the news. 

"Lance is dead," 

    There was a moment of silence, not because I didn't care, but because my heart was in my throat. I couldn't find the words to say anything, so I signed. "I'm so sorry for your loss," My eyes burned. I realized I was crying. Is it fair for me to cry when I only met you once? The girl nodded sadly and handed me an envelope. "The funeral is going to be in two weeks, if you'd like to go," she offered. I thanked her and she went on her way.

    I closed my door and wiped my tears. I have no right to be so upset, yet I am. We weren't even friends. I sat down at my desk and opened the envelope. I read through it a couple of times; I was shocked. Sad and upset without a proper reason.

If you're reading this, then it means that I have taken my life. 

    What about everything you said to me? What about graduating?  What about the falling in love? Did it not actually matter? Were you just trying to help a stranger? This isn't fair to your family, your partner, to your friends! There were people to care and love you, you told me that! 

    "Things take time, but it will get better," you said that. You said yourself that recovery isn't a straight path. You said we shouldn't give up, Lance. I'm not angry with you, I can't be. Like I said, I'm upset without a real reason. But I really wish there was a way I could have saved you. The same way you saved me. 

    I went to your funeral, your family are the sweetest people I've ever met. It was a nice service and I got to know you a little more that day. I learned about your favorite colors, about your pets, your nieces and nephews. I learned how you made people laugh and how you're the family goofball. I learned you were full of love. I felt out of place, but I wanted to pay my respects to you. So, there I stood, with your letter and a white rose, thanking you one more time. 

I know you can get through this, Keith. You are strong. 

word count: 1291