The Damage of Chemical Love

August

August

The story I wish so desperately to share begins on what seemed like a perfectly normal day for me. The weather was pretty normal for that time of year, it was a cooler day if anything. I had left work early because of over-scheduling. With nothing planned, I called up my good friend Charlie to see if he was up to anything that night. That was my first mistake. Don't get me wrong, Charlie and I hung out almost all of the time anyways. We were super close. But just maybe, if I hadn't made that call our friendship wouldn't have ended the way it did. I didn't realize at the time just how much being nice can give some people the wrong ideas. Being overly nice can be a problem, but what can I say? I am, after all, a people-pleaser. Charlie had been having a rough summer. The girl he was interested in turned him down because she was moving for college soon, the girl before that just wasn't interested in him the same way, and so on. It's safe to say he was hurting in the romance department of life. He had a hard time moving on from women, but his favorite way to try was to find a different one to focus on and flirt with. It wasn't the healthiest thing or even the best way to handle his emotions, but that was Charlie. He had just moved into an apartment with his best friend and our coworker, Samuel. It was a pretty decent sized place. The three of us hung out there together a majority of that summer. I was also close with Sam, but after a few awkward encounters we had grown apart just a bit. I never considered any of my actions towards them flirtatious. I never considered the fact that these two men wanted more from me than I did them. I saw them as some of my closest friends, nothing more. I was naive to think that they thought the same. So, I made the call. I didn't know how the night would turn out but sitting alone in my room watching tv didn't seem too enticing that night. Charlie answered and was fine with me coming over to hang out. We decided to watch a TV show we had started together. We watched it on our own time too and he was a bit behind where I was at. I hopped in my vehicle. I made the 3-minute drive from work to Charlie's place. I texted him I was there and headed upstairs, street clothes in my hand so I could change in their bathroom. I walked in without knocking, which was pretty normal by that point.

"Hey." Charlie said when I walked through the door and slipped my shoes off.

"Hi, mind if I change in the bathroom?" I asked, holding up my sweater and pants to show.

"Yeah, that's fine."

"Cool." I walked down the slim hallway to the bathroom at the end. It was a pretty small bathroom, just big enough for one person. I set my clothes on the toilet seat and quickly swapped my uniform for my street clothes. I walked back out to the living room and set my work clothes by my shoes before plopping down on the white nursing chair. Yes, nursing chair. Sam had bought it because he thought it looked comfy and boy was he right. I grabbed a big comforter that was chilling on the futon next to me and Charlie started the show. We talked a bit but honestly not much. That was also normal for us. I was checking my phone and answering snapchats when I got one from Charlie. I laughed and gave him a weird look before sending one back of him. His stomach was slightly exposed, and he had a wide, Charlie style grin smeared across his face, his phone in his hand and his long legs manspread out in front of him. He opened the picture and instantly shifted to take one of me to send. I covered my face and looked away with a smirk. I didn't- and still don't- really like seeing my face in pictures other people take of me. It's one of the things I am most insecure about myself. I opened the snap to see mostly just his super hairy leg with me in the background. I laughed and the snaps continued to be sent between the two of us. Eventually we weren't even paying attention to the show anymore. It was just me and him, in my mind, two friends goofing off. All of a sudden while I was looking at the TV and not paying attention to anything in particular a huge clump of fabric hit my face. I was totally shocked. I froze for a second before realizing it was the other blanket kept in the living room. I realized Charlie had thrown it at me and in retaliation I threw it back, but also threw the one I was using. It turned into an all-out war, throwing blankets and wrestling, trying to pin each other down. I couldn't stop laughing. I couldn't catch my breath. I was absolutely caught up in the moment. I didn't realize how that could be taken out of context. I think that's the minute things changed between us. Eventually we both tired out and sat back down to catch our breath. The rest of that night was uneventful, and I went home shortly after to make curfew.

A few days later Charlie and I had made plans to see a new thriller movie after I got off work. I headed home and got changed before meeting up with Charlie at his place. He normally drove when we went places. I texted him I was there a bit earlier than expected and he told me to come up and hang for a bit before we left. I walked up the steps, not ready for what I was about to walk into. I knocked on the door because it sounded like there were other people over when I got to the door. I heard a distant "Come in!" and opened the door. I opened the door and took in my surroundings. The first thing that hit me was the smell. It was strong and fruity. I saw the people I had heard talking through the door. It was a buddy of mine, Damien, and my ex-boyfriend- John. I hadn't seen him since a few months earlier when we split up. It wasn't on good terms. I awkwardly waved at everyone and sat on the floor near the door. They were all laughing and talking, and I joined in a bit, but mostly kept to myself. I texted my friend Sylvia about the awkward situation. After a few minutes I noticed it was the time Charlie and I were originally going to leave.

"What time were we gonna head out again, Charlie?" I prompted. He checked his phone before responding.

"I was thinking about 10 minutes then we can head to the movie."

"Sounds good."

I nervously checked my phone again and then tried to participate in the conversation, but I mostly ended up just listening. We left shortly thereafter.

After the movies we ended up back at his place. It wasn't too late, so we decided to watch a second movie, another scary one of course. I wasn't supposed to be out past midnight, but I texted my grandma to let her know the movie ran later than I thought so I'd be home late. We had watched Candyman at the theater and decided to watch Hereditary when we got back to his place. They were both great movies and it was a great night. That was the night that I really thought that the friendship we were forming was going to be a lasting one. At the time Charlie was the person I hung out with the most. He was my rock on hard days even if he didn't know. He matched my energy and the connection we formed throughout august was deep, to me it felt like the reaction of baking soda and vinegar- I mean that in a positive way. We sparked that month and boy did we take the spark in the wrong direction.

A/N:

The stories I am sharing here are raw, emotional and deal with very heavy topics. My goal in sharing my experience is to hopefully help others who are in a similar situation, to let them know they're not alone and that no matter what, life does get better after hitting what feels like rock bottom.

xoxo Drain