I look up at the full moon while my grandpa John drives us away from grannie dimple's house. Grandma Cassie got upset and threatened to take me away from mom so mom called grandpa John and nana Rita to come pick me up. My brother is already living with them so I'll get to see him again. It's been a few years since we've last seen each other.
The moon is full and bright. I continue to stare at it throughout the long drive to my new home for the next nine years.
***
I listen to both my grandparents as the tell me stories of how awful the world and my parents are. I drill these lessons into my head so I can do better and be better and hopefully never have to be scared again.
***
I wake up to my dog licking my hand. I push her away and head into the kitchen. She follows behind me. My grandfather is already awake and in the living room watching the news. We exchange greetings while I find something to eat.
He asks me to sit down so I do. He starts telling me about how lonely he is and how my grandmother had cheated on him in the past and he felt like he couldn't trust anyone. He asks me if he could trust me. I say yes.
He then touches me and he doesn't stop until 3 years later. I was 12 when he first started and 15 when he stopped. During that time I had a horrible eating disorder and didn't really recover until I was removed from my grandparents house when I was 17.
For years I battled with the self blame and guilt. I also struggled with dissociative episodes and would often lose moments of time. If course to me this all seemed normal. Nothing was odd to me.
I mean I could barely remember my childhood so of course I'd lose moments of day to day life.
***
I'm dancing to music playing from my tablet to try and distract pa. When I distract him and make him happy he doesn't touch me. I just want him to be happy. I don't want to be touched.
The music stops and I look over at him. He tells me to come over and I hesitatly do as he asks. He pulls me into his lap and then starts to grope me. I hold back the tears in my eyes and try my best to make him stop without angering him.
He doesn't stop even when I beg him to.
***
I walk through the halls of school and go to the gym. I change clothes and wait in line to play softball. While waiting in line the two boys behind me are giggling and pushing each other. Suddenly one touches me and grabs my attention. I look at them and one asks me out and the other is giggling.
I stare at them uncertain what to do. I know these two and they have never talked to me before. Suddenly the one who asked me out starts laughing and saying it was a joke. I just turn around and start to get ready to be next in line.
***
I'm eating lunch with my friends in the lunch room and hiking around with them. The days half way over and I don't want to go home. I'm only about 13 so I have five years until I can be free of them. Until then I just have to joke around with my friends and pretend everything is okay.
***
A child safety lady came to school and asked me some questions. Apparently someone had reported that my pa was raping me. I denied the allegations and said everything was fine at home.
When I got home that day my pa made sure I told them that nothing was going on at home and I told him what I said. He seemed relieved but also angry. He started yelling at me and asking how could I do this to him and that the only reason he did those things was because I tempted him and cause the devil spoke to him through me.
He reminded me that the outside world is so much worse than he ever could be and that I should be grateful to him.
***
I lay in bed completing killing myself. The cuts on my arm are still fresh and bleeding but its not nearly deep enough to really do anything.
***
My freshman year of highschool my grandparents and I move homes. I was deathly scared of moving and just wanted to stay at the one place I could finally call home but I had no say in the matter.
We moved and when we did he started to get handsy with me again. I would push him off and tell him no like I did all those years ago and this time he listened but he would try again later. I hide a knife under my pillow like I did during those years and started to lose more and more sleep.
***
One day my nana and I were out shopping for groceries and a man was following us around and making eyes at me. My nana noticed and commented if I didn't dress like that then he wouldn't be doing that.
The next day I barricaded myself in my room and took a bunch of pills. After a bit of me not throwing them up; I go and tell my grandparents what I had done. They get angry and ask how I could do this and I stay silent. On the way to the hospital I throw up and they ask if I want to turn around and go back home. I said no. At the second hospital I went to I told a nurse all that had happened while I was living with my grandparents. At this time I was still 17 so they took me out of that house and put me into another.
***
I was moved into my friend's grandmother's house. Everything seemed fine to me for the most part. There'd be arguments and hateful comments from both sides.
It still seemed so much healthier then my last living situation though so I was thankful to them and tried my best. Well the best I knew of.
YOU ARE READING
Perspective
No Ficción*DID is a complex disorder with no one way of being. Misinformation is spread about DID everywhere. Hopefully with this book we can clear some things up about the disorder* I lose moments of time. Nothing huge maybe just minutes of my day and then I...
