A Letter to an Earthly Angel

Most of humankind believes that we cannot change, they think it impossible for us to correct bad behaviors and negative thinking. Behaviors are built into our psyche as we grow and mature. It is always considered a miracle when someone is able to become a better person, a better parent, a better sibling, and a better friend. We make it feel impossible to implement more positive behaviors into one's lifestyle.

At the same time, negative change is looked at through a small scope and frowned upon. When someone is negatively impacted by life and they fall, society tends to ignore this. Does this not prove that change is possible? Does this not show humanity that change can occur in a blink of an eye? Why do we try to put a time frame on this change? Why do we tell each other that we have to get over things and get back to "normal?"

There are aspects of life that ruin a person's "normal", and they have to learn how to find a new normal.

These are things that I think about, and I always end up missing you terribly. We could have discussions about this for hours. It also hits close to home because, since you left me, I have never been the same. I know I will never be that person again. I will never again be optimistic and joyful in a genuine way. I lost myself when I lost you. Before you were gone, I was pure and unmarked by true loss and pain. Had I lost people I loved? Had I watched others die? Yes. But nothing could have prepared me for being ripped apart from my soulmate.

I don't know if God exists, you might be sad to hear that. You may not be proud that I do not hold the faith that you taught me anymore. I am sorry, but I've experienced too much to believe that someone is our creator, our savior. That is a fairytale that helps people accept hardship and death. Religion was made to give us answers to questions we could not answer logically. It explained to simpler-minded people the sun, moon, weather, and the state of their harvest.

I have accepted that I will die and that when I die, it will be over, it will be black and nothingness. I have also accepted that I will never get the chance to see you again outside of my dreams. I hurt immensely knowing that I no longer have your love. Your black nothingness tears me apart more than my own impending blackness. You broke my heart when you died. This is not your fault; you could not have known that our bond was so strong. You were not aware that you took a piece of me with you into that blackness.

I knew I loved you; I knew you were important to me; I knew it would hurt when you passed. However, I was not prepared for the fire burning in my heart. You were gone, so you didn't have to feel it, you didn't have to have the biggest part of your heart, the whole of your soul burn apart. There was no stabbing pain, there was no knife slicing through my chest. The feeling was hot, burning incineration. I felt it deep in the pit of my stomach, I felt it in the strongest pieces of my heart. It burned, slow and hot. I screamed and I cried, and I howled like one might when turning into a werewolf. It was not my best moment but those pieces of me were burning, and they were leaving me behind. They followed you because that is where I belonged.

I lost myself that day and I have never been the same person. Your loss follows me in every aspect of my life. I miss our connection every day. You knew me before I knew myself, you loved me when my own mother could not. You gave me so much and you had no idea. You made up for all of the mistakes my parents made when I was young. You held me on a pedestal and never gave me the chance to fall. You sang to me, you read to me, you answered all my questions. You taught me compassion, unconditional love, and acceptance. You listened to me cry over my parents, over my exes, over my friends. You answered my calls at 3 am and you helped me understand my anxiety and how to tackle it. I grew because you watered me with all the love in the whole universe. Angels may not exist in the biblical sense, but they do exist on earth, and I had the pleasure of loving one.

I know you never meant to leave me; I knew you wanted to stay with me. I wanted that too. I don't know how to live life without you. I have been making it up as I go since you left. It has been seven years since I heard your voice. I have pictures, memories, letters, and your fingerprints. But I have nothing with your voice, and I miss it so much. I just want to hear you one more time, so that I can remember it.

I do not care what anyone says, especially my mother, you were an amazing person. You loved everyone, you accepted everyone, and you made so many people feel loved and cared for. Everything that happened in your life, including you adopting my mom, was all for a reason. We were meant to have a relationship, we were meant to create the bond that we did, and we were meant to find each other because we both needed each other. The happiness that we brought each other was truly unconditional love.

I miss who I was with you. I miss being just me, just Jessica. I did not have to impress you, I did not have to make you proud or show you that I loved you. You just knew, you knew me. I will never stop hurting and I will never stop missing you. When I fall into my blackness, I will leave behind many things as well. I will be sad to leave those that I love, but no matter what my life brings, I know in my heart that my last thought will be of you. I will be at peace knowing that I am finally following you into that darkness, where part of me has already gone. I will be complete for that second that it takes for me to fade away into nothingness. I will be where I belong once again.

~JescaRose