Hard No on Crabs for Dinner

It's a Hard No on Crabs for Dinner

"Don't feel the need to be constrained by normal people." My Dad, some amount of years ago.

There are ten Hard and fast rules of being a modern-day vampire. Rule number one is as follows: Do not, under any circumstances, tell any human that you are a vampire. There are a few follow-up rules and special circumstances that go along with it. If any human finds out you are a vampire on their own, that is okay, you didn't do anything wrong, but you need to kill and eat them. You can tell your human lover of over ten years without any worry. Glenn Blackborn, modern-day vampire PI, is about to break rule number one.

Glenn Blackborn's office is dark and dreary. A pile of unsolved cases sits next to his computer that appears to be from a time that is too old to remember any important facts about. Black-out curtains hide the setting sun that has just peeked over the horizon. On the right most wall hangs a mirror with an old black sheet draped over most of it. Just beside his desk is a small, bronze cart that contains various bottles filled with liquor that won't be drunk by Glenn.

Jack Flynn currently sits opposite Glenn. He recently rushed into Glenn's office after realizing his hermit crab, Paula, went missing. Glenn has known Jack for a total of three and a half years, a short amount of time for an ageless vampire, but a relatively lengthy timeline for humans.

Glenn reclines back in his seat, holding a beveled glass filled with a brown liquid that won't be drunk with a few choice ice cubes. Glenn swishes it back and forth, it makes him feel more powerful and handsome than he actually is. Glenn is handsome, there is no lie there. But the notion of swirling liquor around in a beveled glass with ice clinking around it, while reclining in a big brown leather chair, lit only by a dim light just bright enough to cast appealing yet menacing shadows across your face, creates the appearance of being more handsome and powerful, which is appealing to Glenn.

Glenn looks down at his phone to re-read the text Jack had sent him not even an hour ago.

"So, your hermit crab, Patty-"

"Paula."

"Yes, excuse me. Your hermit crab, Paula, has gone missing."

"Yep. Got home from work and she was gone. You can help right?" Jack sits up in his chair, "I mean, we're friends and you're, like, a smart PI guy..."

Glenn considers his request for a moment. One of the only vampire rules that remains unwritten is this: A vampire deal is sacred, handshake required. Vampires don't often do jobs for other's without requesting a payment of the non-cash variety. Backing out of any IOU means losing respect and repertoire with your vampire buddies. Glenn can't afford to decline Jack's request, even if Jack is clueless about vampires and vampire lore. Glenn has purposefully not told Jack about the IOU rule, yet in Glenn's mind, he definitely owes him.

"Want to start looking for Pearl now? 24 hour-rule and all." Glenn says.

"Yes! And it's Paula."

"Paula, sorry."

***

Jack is messy and scrapy. He is a short man with a curly brown mullet he cut himself in the bathroom of the diner where he works. A collection of piercings lives across his ears and face, he has two distinctive scars underneath his pecs that he likes to show off in the summer. His constant state of pure exhaustion has led him to some pretty interesting life choices, such as regrettable tattoos dedicated to ancient memes and anime he liked just okay. Glenn has noticed that he is a fumbling idiot most of the time, in a charming way however.

Glenn looks like a classical sculpture, like he has been crafted from a polished gray stone that has weathered sharp edges he refuses to admit are soft. He wears his shoulder length black hair in a tight bun, and towers over almost everyone he knows. His closet is organized with black suit coats and white button-ups and an occasional powder blue dress shirt to spice things up.