Two Sides

Felix

Felix stared up at his ceiling. This wasn't what he had planned. When he first met Hyunjin he thought they'd end up in a nice, happy, normal relationship, that he and Hyunjin were destined to become an envied couple by all. Instead they became friends with benefits. Felix knew he was one of many. He briefly wondered if there was ever a side to Hyunjin that only he had seen. Just one part that was his, and his alone.

He sighed as he went to collect his clothes from last night, not bothering to check if Hyunjin was still in the bed. It was always cold and empty when he woke up. Placing his clothes in his dirty hamper, he moved into his bathroom to take a shower. He paused in front of the mirror and wondered if he was really deserving of Hyunjin. Even if he didn't get everything he wanted, he knew others were envious to be in his place. Yet he wasn't satisfied, when he should've been grateful for what little of Hyunjin he got.

What was worse than Felix being utterly entrapped by Hyunjin, was that the man often treated him like he was nothing. Always leaving before Felix woke up. In front of everyone he'd pretend not to know Felix. When it was just them two, sex sometimes felt like a transaction. Yet when Felix would discover something new about Hyunjin it all seemed worth it. Every time he saw a new side he fell deeper.

One time when Hyunjin told him to grab a condom from his bag Felix accidently opened the wrong folder, finding a drawing inside. It was colored with only yellow pencils; the tree felt life-like even though it was made from only a dark yellow color. He hovered his pointer finger above the paper as he traced the outlines of the tree. The tree reminded him of the ones on campus. He was certain he had visited this place before, but Hyunjin's drawing made it magical. He wanted to be transported there. However, Hyunjin had beckoned him to bed so Felix quickly rushed over with condoms in hand.

Once sex started, Felix's mind often worried about how it would soon end once Hyunjin was satisfied. Hyunjin would still satisfy Felix plenty, but Felix was starting to need more than just sex to fill him. He wanted their relationship to be more than just friends with benefits, but he worried if he tried to make that change Hyunjin would run away, and that seemed so much worse. If that were to occur, it would be proof that he had just wasted his time pining for someone who didn't care for him. He wasn't ready to face that reality.

Felix hated how wrapped around Hyunjin's finger he was. He couldn't bear to leave him, but it always seemed like he was at an arm's distance. So close to being able to touch, but still out of reach. Felix had yet to see Hyunjin make any effort. Eventually he gave up his dream of wanting something adventurous with Hyunjin. For the moment they were stable and Felix decided to be content with that. Still, while the nights were fun, the mornings were cold and lonely.

During his shower many thoughts raced through his head. He remembered how they first met at a business arrangement between their parents. After seeing Hyunjin sat on the other side of the table Felix was immediately smitten. Later on he saw Hyunjin at his university. Upon spotting him, Felix had run up to him to introduce himself. Hyunjin didn't seem to remember him, but Felix hadn't been able to stop thinking of him.

***

Felix felt heartbroken wishing nothing more than to have the earth swallow him whole so there was no proof of his existence anymore. He had just thoroughly embarrassed himself after trying to have his first conversation with Hyunjin. He was caught so off guard seeing him at his university that Felix had chased him down, just to ramble about a documentary. The documentary was about paper production. It was quite boring, but his professor wanted to make sure they understood the importance of paper. Saying that was why his class wouldn't be done online. Felix even had the nerve to ask Hyunjin if paper was something that interested him. Meaningless to say, Felix never got a reply from the man and instead opted to spirited the other direction where he knew his friends would be waiting.