Escape to the island

1

,, If people could see me the way I see myself - if they could live in my memories - would anyone love me ? " John Green

The dream of many is a love that turns into such a strong bond that can't be broken . Our love is that type of love for shure . Sometimes it's can be too much . There are too many " what ifs " . I have no idea what is going on inside my brain , in my heart , generale inside in me . I feel like I'm losing you . I haven't even told you how I feel . With this train of thought , I headed for the bench . Towards our bench .

There was tension between the two of us . This was new for both of us . It was never easy , our relationship was always full of so many questions and doubts . Unlike our conversations , they were always easy . Like the breath in the frost , no one made an effort , yet it happened . Easily , gracefully . I've never been so afraid of messing it up with you . For hurting you . I know you wouldn't do anything to hurt me , I hope you are aware that I would never hurt you with any intention . I told you a while ago that there is someone in my life with whom I have a similar relationship as you. You didn't understand why you got jealous but you did . I told you in more detail during our previous meeting . In essence , it is similar , only the " what ifs " has to be taken out of the equation .

There was silence between us . I handed over my phone , I wouldn't have been able to look you in the eye . Not to say what's on my mind . No sound could have come out of my mouth at that moment . If you had looked me in the eye , I would have been unable to stand up in the end .

I handed you my phone with shaking hands . In the notes :

„ The last time we met , you stirred something in me that I can't even explain . Still , it scares me to know that you have such an effect on me . I haven't been looking for you since . I don't want you to think you did anything wrong because I have no regrets . In fact , time flew while I was with you . It's just scars me . I have feelings what I can't explain . I love you , I feel safe around you yet somehow it's destroy my heart . I can't be your girlfriend . I can't be just your friend . I can't be everything and yet nothing . I feel like a ghost . I can't leave you . I don't know how I can love you properly . Avery night fog up in my mind and I dancing whit your ghost . I always going to be here for you . Tell myself I'm fine . I will put the record on and I try to move on . I just listening my favorite songs , dancing whit my own ghost , try's to feel alright . Screaming at the world thet I'm worth it , I'm enough ! "

You took a deep breath :

-Do I feel good that it is about me , or its for me ?

I answered with my head down . - Yes .

- You know that you're not just a friend to me . I think you love me and loved me always properly . What's on your mind ?

You get a deep breath between the questions , afraid to ask this question . How could it be worse than that ? So you ask - And why didn't you told me that earlier ? -

I answered in a low whisper . - Because I do not understand . - I was afraid for a minute that you wouldn't hear me . After all , my whisper was blowing with the wind .

You whispered back , lowering your head . - Okay that's fair enough . -

Your first question has just come to my attention . - I'm afraid . I am afraid that I have said or done the wrong thing .

- When ? - you ask gently .

- Now , in the past . How is it that you put a smile on my face in such a situation ? - I ask with a bittersweet smile on my face .

- I don't know , but I'm smiling too . - you turned to me . But this smile was different from the others . - And you didn't do anything wrong . - you try to calms my soul .

I need you and at the same time I feel that a kind of distance is needed . I don't want to lose you or hurt you . Still , you stirred up something in me that I don't understand . I need you and at the same time I feel that I can get by alone . The most ironic thing is that we both know that we cannot leave each other . - I tried to explain in a way that even I didn't understand . I don't know which of us is more confused . I received an answer that can only be given by a soul that loves another so much that it is able to let go even if it breaks it on one level .

- If you need space I'll give you that . But you don't have to be afraid of losing me . And I know that you're not going ti hurt me . If you really want to be alone I'll let you be . . .

- I know .

- I'm just trying to convince myself that you don't want me that way . You can't be my girlfriend . What did you mean by that ?

- I didn't mean to offend you at all . Just thinking about us being together . A part of me likes the idea because I know that I would have an absolute partner by my side ( I don't want to take advantage of you either ) . And the other part of me is aware that we don't get along right away . I love you , it's a fact . I wanna ad to the whole situation . I didn't want to just get absorbed . I still can't explain it . I'm sorry . What's on your mind ?

- I don't know to be honest . Us . . And another what if .

- Yeh - big sigh - What do you think in general ?

- There's a part of me that likes the idea of us being together too . I know you didn't want to get absorbed . It's okay . I love you so much . And just like you I would like to know what do you want . But I can understand that I stirred up something in you . . I just don't know what I've done .

- You don't do anything wrong just you exist .

- Oh I see - short but telling answer .

- I wanted to say that if it means anything at all . After that I realized that you understand .

- Yes , I do . But I don't wanna destroy you . . And your heart either .

- You don't do it . It's more of a what if thing between us .

- And can I do something to make it easier for you ? - the strangest and most honest question I could get .

- I don't think so . - I shook my head as if to convince myself . Or just to get the thought out of my head .

- Just tell me that you're gonna be okay .

- I'm gonna be okay . We good ? - stupid question . Still , I felt that I had to get an answer for that .

- Yes . - Such a small answer . Meanwhile it means the world to me .

We could have known this would happen . That one day it will all be too much . The emotions . The questions . The connection . Even though we can't be a lot to each other , somehow our relationship can be a lot , I don't understand . We could have seen it , because after each meeting , if not both of us , then one of us wrote almost a letter to the other . A part of me thought it was good and still thinks it is , because it made it easier for us to understand the other . And the other part of me realized that there was simply too much emotion at each meeting , it stirred something up . Maybe I'm not right , I don't even understand almost anything anymore , but it's like constantly tearing off a band-aid on a wound while we wait for it to heal . I don't know how we loved each other , I have a couple of options in my head and I don't know which one covers the truth :

- we loved too fast and that's why it doesn't work .

- we loved too much .

- incorrectly .

- or perhaps too quickly , too deeply and not in the right way .

I shook my head as if I could shake the thoughts out of my head .

- Focus . - I sighed .

- Focus - I said louder .

- Focus now ! - I said impulsively , surprising myself .

- I didn't come this far to dwell on the past . I said as I stood up from the chair on the terrace of my hotel room . - Now this will be the beginning of a new chapter . - I stated as I walked into my room getting ready to sleep .