Last Letter to My Lover (finished)

Where's my Love

Dear first love,

I prepared different speeches at different times of my life to tell you; each one resembling the 5 stages of grief and yet I still haven't made it out of the 5th one in the last 5 years, which is acceptance. That's because I know when I'll get to it, you'll no longer be a part of me. Letting you go physically was the easiest thing I did because deep down I knew you were never truly gone in existence. I had to part ways from you to keep you to me and only me for the rest of my life. Being with you everyday, every hour of the day, meant having to share you; all of you. Truth is, you were never truly mine until you were never mine. I didn't have a second chance at love, I just couldn't. I have nothing left of my heart. I haven't went out to dates ever since, I haven't held anyone's hand like we did on our movie date, I haven't kissed anyone and went home and listened to "First Kiss by arttm" like we did when you picked me up from my classes that day, I haven't written a journal about anyone like the time when I wrote about us and gave it to you as a gift. I haven't been happy but I haven't been sad as well. You gave me some of the hardest years of my life, life with you was nothing but torture and yet when I think of you, I think of the good Times we shared, your big smile, me singing "She Will be Loved by the maroon 5" in the passenger seat, you screaming I love you to me while driving, us doing funny things together after being drunk. I don't know why you did what you did which sometimes makes me question if you ever did love me. I guess some things are better left unsaid even if they're already known to the heart. I know we ended a long Time ago but I keep dreaming of scenarios where we're happy, where it all worked out, where you are only mine. I don't hate you but just so you know, I'm forever stuck with the scars, the trauma you left me with. I really wish you were a better man, my man.
I hope you're happy, happier than me. I hope you think of me at the most random moments and I hope that makes you tear up. Its next to impossible that we'll ever cross our paths again in this life but if we ever do, I hope I don't see your hands clutched onto someone other than mine. I know you'll never see this on your own and I'll never give it to you but if you ever do, write me back a letter too.

With immense love,
Forever Yours