Love to Hate You

Chapter 20

EZRA'S POV
Every day has twenty-four hours but today felt like such a long day. The minutes went by so slowly. It felt like forever before I finally made it home. Jasper immediately stripped down to his underwear and belly flopped on my bed. He could be overdramatic sometimes but this wasn't one of those times because right now, the exhaustion really is unbearable and my bed looks like heaven. A notion I would have to deny myself because I was worried about my boyfriend. Sleeping seemed impossible these days. A paranoia that Jasper will die creeps over me and paralyzes me awake. That or nightmares of finding him dead torment me.
I should really see someone about that. In fact, Jasper and I should see a professional to guide us through all of this dark gloomy shit. Maybe if I held his hand, I could feel reassured that he's not going anywhere. The fear could subside. I just want to hold him and never let go. I watch him as he falls asleep. His ocean eyes disappearing under heavy eyelids. I'm still angry with him. I want to be understanding but all I can think about is how selfish he was to jump off a goddamn bridge. What if he was successful?? I just want to scream until my voice gives out and my throat is raw. How could he do that to me?! Then I look at his face and all my anger subsides. All I'm left with is gratefulness because he survived and he's here with me. I get the chance to correct my mistakes. I smile at that thought as I watch the slow rise and fall of Jasper's chest as he sleeps. His features relaxed and void of any worries. I'll just lay here and keep my eyes on him. That's until sleepiness took over and my eyes closed on their own accord.

I'm running. The panic is rooted deep within my chest. "Jasper, hold on!!" I scream. He's on the edge of a skyscraper's rooftop. The wind is blowing hard. A storm is coming. My hand is outstretched in front of me, reaching for him.
There's a shadow hanging over his shoulder with it's claws deep into his shoulder. Whispering in his ear. "Jasper!!" I scream. The tears running down my face. Then the shadow turned it's hideous face towards me. It's eyes hollowed out. So many sharp teeth poking out it's creepy smile. Red scars all over. Such a hideous face. Monstrous. I keep running. I have to get to Jasper. I have to keep him safe. I can almost feel his warmth on my fingertips and then he's gone. "You can't save him." A haunting whisper sounds in my ear. I turn towards the voice and panic as I see the monster open it's mouth wide to eat me.

My eyes snap open. My breathing is labored. I shoot up right in my bed. It was just a dream. Fuck. I fell asleep. When will these fucking nightmares end?! I try to calm myself. Focusing on my breathing, instead. I check my phone for the time. It's four in the morning.
"Are you ok??" Jasper croaks out heavy with sleep.
"I'm ok. Go back to sleep." I said. He turns over and softly snores. Doubtful that I'll be able to sleep. I get out of bed and stand to my full height. Jasper is going to want some pancakes later. So, I'll just make them now. Cooking is a good distraction. Totally convinced, I walk to the kitchen and prep everything. Mise en place.This is what my life has come to. Making breakfast food at the crack of dawn because I can't smoke the anxiety away. Man, a cigarette would be heaven right now. Just one sweet inhale of nicotine as the paper turns to ash. I mix the ingredients into a batter and turn the stove on. This is the longest I've gone without smoking since I was fifteen. I don't even remember why I started smoking in the first place. I'm kind of proud of myself for keeping my promise to Jasper. I'd do just about anything for him. Which is why these night terrors are freaking me the fuck out!!
Just as I flip the pancake, I hear footsteps behind me.
"What the hell are you doing??" Jasper says while rubbing his eyes.
"Um, pancakes." I point to the stove with the spatula in my hand.
"Yeah, I see that but why??"
"Honestly, I couldn't sleep." I replied as I place the pancake on a plate.
"Stop. No more pancakes. Bed. Now. Come on." He said while removing the spatula from my hand and turning the stove off.
"Jasper!!"
"No, don't 'Jasper' me. Let's go. Only crazy people cook at the ass crack of dawn." He grabbed my hand and dragged me to my room.
"I can't sleep, Jas. There's no point." I groaned.   He wouldn't listen. I got dragged all the way to bed and he laid on my chest. A full proof plan to keep me in place. I couldn't resist digging my fingers through his curly hair and slowly a smile crept onto my face. His stubbornness to continue to fight me never fails.
"See?! You're already relaxed." He said with a smile. Truthfully, I was relaxed but I wasn't sleepy. More than anything I just wanted to kiss his lips and make him orgasm. That would be a much better distraction. Far better than cooking or smoking. My body easily exposed what my mind was thinking and though I'm not ashamed of it, I didn't really want to explain how my mind went from sleep to sex in a matter of seconds.
"Jas, can I get some space??" I try to say nonchalantly but it really came out more strained.
"What?! You never want space." He said as he lifts his head to look me in the eyes.
"Move, Jasper. Please."
He rolls over on his side and looks at me perplexed. I quickly get up and run to the bathroom.
"Ezra, are you trying to hide a boner??"
I could practically hear the smile in his voice. I mentally curse how well he knows me.
"What makes you say that??" I said through the closed door. He knocks and jiggles the doorknob.
"Come on, E. Open up." He laughs. This is becoming more and more embarrassing as the seconds tick by. A grown man hiding in the bathroom due to an inappropriate boner. Not the distraction I would have hoped for.
"Jasper, privacy." I managed to say.
"Open the door. So, I can fix your problem.
I don't understand why you're hiding it." He said. The amusement was clear in his tone. He was enjoying this a little too much. Needless to say, I reluctantly opened the door. He had a sexy smirk and a mischievous glint in his blue eyes. He stepped forward and fervently kissed my mouth. An action I wholeheartedly allow myself to get lost in. He's more than just a distraction. He's my favorite drug. For a moment I reciprocate the passion but my mind let one negative thought through and ruined the high. I pulled away from Jasper and fought the urge to cry. You can't save him.
"What just happened??" Jasper furrowed his brows and had concern etched in his facial expression. I step to the side and exit the bathroom without a word.
"Ezra, I'm talking to you. What's wrong??" He said. What could I say?? Lying was never easy for me but the truth felt stupid to me. I should be able to be unaffected by nightmares and stupid thoughts. I'm not typically the kind of guy who needs to puff out his chest and act tough to feel like a man but right now I feel like I need a bit of that because I'm being a damn pussy over some silly dream.
"Sorry, Jas. How about we just go back to sleep, yeah?? Sex can wait. We can't stress your heart anyway." I managed to say.
"You're starting to freak me out, E. What aren't you telling me?? Whatever it is, you can tell me." I can feel his warmth as he stands close behind me. I close my eyes and think of a way to put my feelings into words.
"I don't know how to say it without being an asshole but your suicide attempt has fucked me up in ways that I'm not handling very well."
I turn around to face him. Guilt is all over his face and I immediately feel like an asshole. Fuck. I try to cup his face in my hands but he dodges me.
"I'm not going to do it again. I promised you." He said. I take a deep breath because I know the next few words out of my mouth is going to start an argument.
"It doesn't matter. I'm still paranoid. I still have nightmares about it every fucking night and I'm still pissed that you would do it in the first place!! Everything isn't all better just because you said sorry and made a few promises. Watching your body lay lifeless in a hospital strapped to all kinds of monitors and wondering if you'd ever wake up has fucked me up!! The damage is done, Jasper."
I didn't mean to raise my voice but my emotions are running high. I haven't slept properly in days and I've been stuck in this depressing fog. Shit was starting to get to me. Jasper frowns and takes two steps back.
"That's not fair. I was in a dark place. My thoughts made sense to me at the time. I had been drinking. And I didn't just apologize for the sake of being forgiven. I meant every word. If I could change it all, I would." He said. The tension between us was unbearable. The dark cloud hanging above us grew darker and heavy. I could feel the wedge tearing us apart.
I sit down on my bed and rest my elbows on my knees, my head hanging low.
"Jasper, I'm not attacking you. I'm just going through a really tough time. I need space to avoid saying or doing something that I'll regret." I lift my head to look him in the eyes. You can see the soul through the eyes. I just want to get a glimpse of his perfect blue eyes and find understanding. He just stands still. Like he's processing everything that just happened. It's a little nerve wracking.
"Do you want me to go now??" He said.
"No. Don't be silly. We're going back to bed." I said, holding my hand out for him. He looks at my hand for a second and then back at my face. I was going to give up but then he grabbed it. I pull his body between my legs and rest my forehead on his toned stomach. Jasper uses his free hand to lift my chin.
"It took me a long time to admit my feelings for you and now that I have, it feels like you're walking away. I won't go to bed with you, if that's the case. This feeling is exactly why I stay away from relationships." He said. I could feel the walls he began to put back up around his heart with every word he spoke. The wedge was growing bigger. Fuck.
"We're not breaking up. I just got you back. Space does not mean break up. So, come to bed with me." I said. Jasper pushes me back onto the bed and lies on top of me, his face hovering over mine.
"Good. Now fuck me."
"As much as I love the sound of that and trust me, it was hot as fuck...We can't. Your health comes first, babe." I place a chaste kiss on his lips and we both lay properly on the bed. My head on my pillow and my blanket covering my lower half. I'm actually exhausted. Which sucks because I have to go back to work today.