Thoughts That Haunt Me

In a world so big. How is it that I feel so lonely? I walk outside and feel the breeze trickle down my skin, and yet I feel so dead inside. I look at my surroundings, and everyone looks so happy. Big smiles, laughing, and looking enthusiastically at their friends. I  look down at the rigged concrete, hoping one day I will experience that feeling. That feeling of being wanted. Being someone's choice or even a part of a group. A healthy group. A caring group. A group that won't leave me. But, I push everyone away. Far away and isolate in a dark, cold room where no one can find me. But, Does this behavior stem from childhood idk.

But what I do know is the constant crying in my dark, cold walk-in closet stems from childhood. It was a silent cry so that no one could hear my hurt. But, deep down inside, I prayed someone would hear my hurt. Do you know what it was? It was a silent cry for help. But no one ever did come, so that cry soon turned into a rage.

A rage that would consume my body until I could not stand it anymore. All I could do was pray and beg for the power up above to take me away. In those moments, I wanted to die. Die so the feeling would vanish from my system. I just wanted this horrible feeling to STOP. Sometimes I wonder if this mental illness is forever. Cause if that is the case, moving on.

Will I ever be able to be in any type of healthy relationship with any other form of human other than myself? I can barely even be my own friend. So how can I accept that from another human? Ya know. The questions rummage through my brain over and over again.

The same day over and over again. I wake up and look through my Instagram reels. My reels make me jealous because I wish one day I could be happy just like these couples and strangers.  Then, I switch to youtube and consume meaningless content until I have no choice but to get out of bed. No one checks up on me, ya know. Never how are you? Are you okay? How was your day? But it does not matter because I have gotten used to it. I think I have ADHD because I have diverged from the story or whatever this is quite a lot. I go to class if I feel like it. Then I go to the gym, work, and return to bed. I know what a repetitive and lonely life it is. But what can I do about it...nothing.

My brain. It hurts. It's like 100 thoughts are eating me alive. Thoughts range from death to food. I never know what I am gonna get with my brain. My thoughts are my greatest weakness. The saddest thing is that I take these cute little white pills to control my stupid brain. But I am starting to think they do not work. I hate my brain. There are days I just want to shut my brain off. So I take these green pills to force myself to sleep so I do not have to live for a bit. No, I am not sucidial. I just need breaks from my thoughts, you know. As weird as it sounds, I think I am happiest when asleep. Being awake is depressing. Being awake, you have to think. Thinking only causes problems. Especially when you are constantly overthinking. You tell yourself to stop, and it's never that deep. But you can't stop. With everything, you can not stop.

Is it sick to say I like pain? But I think I like pain in an unhealthy way. I feel like pain makes me feel something. It is almost like a relief and punishment. As sick as it sounds. Especially when my body is filled with anger or anxiety. Pain. Pain helps. I dig my sharp nails into my skin, hoping for quick relief from my problem. But that problem always comes back. It is as if that problem has been chasing me for years, and it won't leave me alone. Every time before I inflict pain on myself, I try to talk myself out of it. But after a while of going back and forth with yourself like a maniac. You have no choice but to give in to the pain. My pain, I can say, is my coping mechanism. It's like sex. If it does not hurt, I can not feel anything. I do not know if that means anything. But with all of this, I am still afraid to die. My brain wants to stop, and my body craves pain. But I have no choice but to keep going on in life. Hoping that it will get better, which it does for a bit. But that bit never last long. Before I know it, I am crying with a bleeding arm. Forcing myself to dig the blade deeper into my skin. 

Love. People. Sex. The three words that consume my thoughts. The three words that haunt me from the hour I wake up to the hour I close my eyes to sleep. My brain craves a human connection so severely. A romantic human connection so badly. But when given it. My brain hates it. It is a depressing way to live. To crave something so much you hate it. It drives you crazy ya know, almost to insanity. Sometimes I think people are the reason I hate myself so much, especially my looks. But I think it is just me. I hate myself. I do not know how to love myself. How can someone love me if I can not love myself? It's a question that consumes me but I discovered that.....

If I genuinely like someone, I gaslight myself out of it. I tell myself they could never like me back, as if I am some filthy human that doesn't deserve love. I deserve love, right? I don't know.

Sex. The thing that makes me sad but also makes me feel wanted. I hyper-fixate on sex so much because it means someone wants me or is attracted to me. I always think that the only way a person could be remotely interested in me is if I give them my body. I am good at sex. If I give them a good time, maybe they will like me and stay. Without sex, they leave me. But I am starting to realize even when I give up my body, I am still left in the dust. Covered in someone's dust that I can never remove from myself.

And the sad truth is I do not know how to give love to someone other than through sex. I think about the act of sex a lot for someone who is never sexually aroused. An arousal I crave. But only through emotional touch.

That is why my thoughts haunt me.

-Nana B