Grief Unbound

2015.

I lost you on Christmas day in 2015. Technically you were gone a week before that, but machines were keeping your body alive. I always wonder how long you were without oxygen for... how long it was before grandma found you. Maybe if I had been home, I would have found  you sooner... gotten you help. Maybe I could have saved you, and that is the part that continues to eat me alive. I know in all of the grief things you read, you cannot healthily blame yourself.. it's not healthy to ponder the ifs. It happens though, and the thought that I could have possibly saved you will be in my head until the day I stop breathing. I don't think that guilt will leave no matter how much I try to ration with myself.

I truly do not know if there is a way I can be okay with living without you. I have no choice, and I am WELL aware of that. I am lonely. Why does YOUR absence make this world feel so desolate? Maybe because I was never able to say goodbye... or make things right. I hope you heard me in the hospital room... I hope you heard my pleas for forgiveness. I was a kid and I am sorry I couldn't save you.... Maybe I feel like I was never enough to make you want to stay... but I cannot imagine having constant pain... and feeling like you would never escape it no matter how hard you begged and tried. I wanted a different life for you, want, still want... I find myself still bargaining with whoever is up there for your return. Why can't there be a trading system? 

I sit here crying and I really do not know what to write about, just kind of letting thoughts flow out of my brain and onto my keyboard. I am trying so so hard to remember any small things about you... I wish I had someone to tell me everything about you... everything you wanted to be. Everything you had already become... I only knew you as mom, but I want to know who Beth was. Before me. I want to feel your soul again... I just want to talk to you... I don't wanna never hear from you again. That doesn't settle right with my heart. I am so alone... I want to just disconnect and run away from everything and everyone I know. I want to find you. Find your spirit and soul out somewhere in this world... to reconnect with you. 

Grief is the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life, and I know I am not the only person in the world who lost their mom. Who never got to amend things to make a good relationship. Life is so fragile, and I try to learn from that experience how to make my days and relationships with people more meaningful... but I don't.. I am wasting away because I'm sad and upset..