UNDECIDED

Congratulations Kyle Brown

Air fills my lungs. I feel the last bit of warm sun hit my skin and a smile spreads across my face. Warmth is not a thing that I come across often anymore. Death is a very hard pill to swallow, especially when you are forced to watch everyone you care about grieve your death.

It was pretty quick. My death. Simple car accident, head-on collision with a drunk driver on the way home from my best friend's house. It was her birthday. It ruined her birthday. I ruined her birthday. I took a long way home because Allie had texted me that Mom was having a drunk call fight with her current boyfriend. I chose to take that way home and that choice ended my life. However, the reality of it is that if the drunk driver, Kyle Brown local college student, didn't drink then maybe I would still be laughing with Allie at our lunch table about the most recent drama happening on social media. Tasia would still be braiding my hair while I vent to her about home and my mom and missing my dad.

Those days will never come though. It has been a grand total of 8 months since that night. Today would be my nineteenth birthday and I would be in my first year of college. Coincidentally the same college Kyle still goes to. He got off pretty well, at least in my personal opinion. He was definitely messed up in the wreck but he ended up with just some broken bones and some short-term memory loss. Turns out he had a seizure because of drinking so much and that is what caused the wreck. He got 6 months of jail time and is on probation. Yes, probation. He took the life of a very innocent person and got 6 months in jail and probation. He took MY life, but hey money and power help you in our beautiful country. Today he is going on a date he has planned for a few weeks with his long-term girlfriend and who hopes to make into his fiance. He chose today of all days to pop that very important question. He and I didn't know each other so most people wouldn't expect him to know why today is important to everyone that cared for me and that today my old high school is retiring my volleyball jersey in an assembly while also alerting kids to not drink underage and don't drink and drive. That my family and friends let off lanterns with the clock hit midnight to send a happy birthday to me in "heaven".

I don't know if heaven even exists but if it does then why am I not there? Is what I'm going through a little personal hell. If so whoever makes these things did a damn good job because watching my closest loved ones struggle while Kyle is still drinking and taking almost no responsibility is so fucking frustrating. If someone appeared to me and actually talked to me, told me this is what heaven is, and showed me what hell is I would never believe them. Every religion is wrong. I personally think the idea of reincarnation is interesting. Christain heaven seems like such a sunshine and rainbow place and would be a great change of pace for me. Any religion's heaven honestly. I don't get the relief of an actual end though because I think I'm some sort of ghost just floating and following people around like a puppy. An end would be so clean-cut.

I just wish I was in a permanent coma because this suffering would never be happening to me. I do guess that they would probably gone downhill. My mom would still be drinking and Allie would be drowning because she'd have to take care of her. Tasia would probably visit me in the hospital and do my hair while updating my body on all of the things in her life. Anything could've happened that night and they could've reacted in any way possible. At least Mom is sober. Allie started cheerleading and Tasia is in college and met a guy I hope treats her right. She loves him so so much. They still have nights where I can tell me being gone is hard and hurting them. Sometimes Allie will sit in my room in my hoodie she bought me for Christmas when she was thirteen. It was the first thing she bought me with her own money and she was so proud. I think it brings her comfort knowing I kept it and slept in it on the colder nights in the house. Mom got sober and broke it off with her boyfriend. She called my dad's family, which she hadn't done since he passed the same year Allie was born, and told them about everything. I have almost no memory of these people but they still showed up in a hoard at my funeral. I think they cried more than Mom. Maybe because they never actually got to know me. I was two when Mom stopped contact.

Gwen finally showed up at the restaurant and kicked me out of my depressive thought bubble. I may loathe what this man is doing but sometimes I can mentally separate enough to watch life sort of like a bad television drama when it comes to Kyle. It also gives me a break from watching my family and Tasia suffer. She sits down and he looks so scared. Sweat pours through his suit and he might actually shit his pants if he even tries to giggle at a joke. I try to stay far away when I watch him. I don't want another up-close look at his face. I see them laugh some and he calms down. She seems happy. They ordered chicken alfredo and she got a salad on the side. He finishes his plate and she follows behind shortly. They leave about twenty minutes after and head down the boardwalk.

The place is local but it is so pretty with its fairy lights and ocean view. This time of night there are minimal people and since it's the middle of November, there aren't any bugs out so he at least has good timing with some things. They go to the very end of one of the paths, the one with the little red bench, and sit. He grabs her hands and starts up the speech. He drops on his knee and she stands, doing the very classic shocked pose. It begins to rain, I didn't even notice the clouds rolling in. It actually makes the scene so much more pretty. So simple and cute. She nods and he stands and they embrace each other. He is engaged. Congratulations Kyle Brown.