JEANNE
This is it. This is the time when I'm going to meet them. Him. I'm happy, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I don't know what to feel.
Today, I went to Apgujeong for Bangtan's fansign event. I stop to Jimin and so on. My bias is Taehyung.. I don't know but when I stopped at Taehyung, he is holding his phone before he entertained me.
I'm such an observant person so I noticed when he locked his phone, his wallpaper is like a long-haired girl with four collage picture together. Yes, it shattered me in to pieces. I haven't seen it well but it looks like that. But I didn't asked him about it first. I let him sign my album first,
"How have you been today?" I asked him,
"I'm totally fine," he answered, smiling like he always does,
As we talk for a while, that's the time when I asked him, "Who is that?" Nervous, I'm waiting for an answer,
"Who?" he said,
"On your wallpaper, I'm just curious." I answered, I know I don't have the right to ask but I can't help but to know the truth,
"Oh," then he just smiled and gave me a high-five until his cheeks went red!
So I think he's inlove with someone, but I have no idea. It hurts. It hit me, and then I realize my eyes are leaking. I don't know but I feel like I'm attacked, like I'm betrayed by someone.
For a second I feel like time stopped.
And then It came like rushing faster than ever.
I found myself in my room, writing a letter to him to add in my hundreds and hundreds collection of letters that's never been sent. But then I decided to send it this time.
Dear Taehyung,
One day, you just walked in to my life. And taught me lessons nobody has ever taught me before. I love you, I really do. It's not what I feel for you, but it's what I don't feel anyone but you. People may say that this is an obsession, but I know clearly that it isn't, because love is when all I want is for you to be happy, even if I'm not part of your happiness. I love you so much that no words can describe it.
But everything comes with a price. It hurts being your fan. It hurts that to me, you're that one star among a million shining ever so brightly, but to you, I'm just a nobody, among the crowd, getting unnoticed. Because of you, I feel insecure. Being surrounded by many other pretty girls, I know that I won't even stand a chance. I never be jealous, and I won't be proud, because love is not boastful, and love is not loud. I think it's my insecurities acting up, because I know I'm not the prettiest, the smartest, the most fun and exciting person you'll ever meet, but I know that no matter how long or hard you work, you'll never find somebody that love you as much as I do. When I imagine you with your partner, I can't help it but my eyes fill up with tears, because I love you. I love you so much, and sometimes I just wish you knew. Sometimes I get jealous thinking that someone else could make you happier than I could, but I had to face it, leave it all like that. What can I do? Nothing.
But I'm sorry, I don't want to live under a rock for the rest of my life. I want to be an ordinary girl. I want to have a boyfriend. I want a backhug from somebody I love. I want to cuddle and kiss like every other couple out there. I want to wake up and know that I love somebody else other than you, but someday, I have to get over it. I'll just have to stand up strong and walk away, I'll walk away with the memories you gave me. I'll walk away with the love you provided. I'll walk away, grateful to you for just being... you.
