I DESPISE SOLITUDE.
I despise solitude as much as I despise witnessing those warm tears uncontrollably escape my eyes; the deafening rhythm of my wounded heart that feels like it's about to explode any time; and the realization of how much I did my best fixing other people, yet I'm the one who will always end up getting shattered into pieces.
The pain... it's agonizing. But I chose to understand, because I fear they might leave me- again.
"Are you fine?" I patiently asked him in a most gentle tone possible. I didn't want him to be mad again. I want this to be fixed.
"Zach," it was almost a whisper.
All I received was a raging glance from his siren eyes that's signaling me to shut up.
"Zachary, what's wrong? Fricking talk to me, please!" I held his arms and almost never let him go but he didn't hesitate to push me. I fell and hit my head hard in the ground, but I don't care anymore. I can't lose him.
"I'm sick of you, Yzielle!"
That first sentence he stated, pierced directly into my heart.
"I'm sick of encouraging you whenever you feel like you want to end your existence." He looked at me straight in the eyes, with painted disgust in his face.
"You're always in pain. I can't understand you anymore, I did my best to make you feel better, but you always end up being mentally unwell. I'm obligated!" He confidently yelled every single word without thinking how much pain it would cause me after.
"I'm sorry... I'm your girlfriend. You promised me you won't give up-"
"Not anymore!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.
Then there was silence. So quiet that the only thing I could hear was my loud thoughts trying to escape through my tongue. But I remained silent. I chose to understand instead of explaining myself.
"I love you, Zach. Please don't leave me." I was trying my best to hold my tears, he doesn't want to see a liquid coming out of my eyes. He hates that.
I begged. I even kneeled-which is completely ridiculous and considered inhumane for woman's perspective. But his heart was frigid enough, it can't melt for me. I was so dumb that I expected him to change his mind, but he instead ordered me to get lost.
Stomach-turning
Hours have passed, I found my feet leading me somewhere. Felt like my legs took over my whole system.
I removed my slippers and let my feet felt the shore. It was warm. I hugged myself as soon as I felt the shivery sea- breeze kissing my skin. The wind was strong enough; it could dry any tears. Except I didn't shred a single tear that night. I never cried that night.
For the first time, I enjoyed solitude.
***
It's been a year since Zachary and I broke up. My friend, Sheena, is doing her best convincing me to get another boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I already got rid of the affection that was onced tied to him.
It's just... It's difficult to trust anyone again. Three boys already caused me enough mental pain. I called them "boys", not "man" because they didn't act like it.
"Can I visit you right now?" Sheena asked. She's in the other line.
I am busy doing my skin care routine so I just put my phone in the sink, and let her talk.
"No" I coldly answered. It's difficult to speak while doing something with my face at the same time.
"Why?" She asked, clearly disappointed.
