As the sun leaked through my window waking me up I got dressed into a pair of worn sweats, a baggy black T-Shirt, and a pair of worn converses, walking out of my room i tip-topped down the stairs and out the front door but before I could walk down the porch I saw a little blonde girl passed out on the porch.
" Kaori? Love what are you doing out here?" I asked crouching down, shaking her shoulder, making her gasp and sit up.
" The fuck?!" She asked confused looking up at me then at her surroundings, " Two nights in a row! Am I sleepwalking now?!" She yelled and I chuckled, helping her to her feet. " Are you okay? What happened last night?" She asked me and I felt my happier mood deplete.
" Memories of my past... I'm okay though I promise. Go inside before you get sick. I'll see you and Bakugo later." I told her then left her on the porch and began my walk around the block that I wanted to do before I saw Altha today. I'd have to tell her about last night... I really don't want to go through all this again. Eventually I started making my way towards Altha's office, entering the office I walked up to the desk and checked myself in. Unlike yesterday, I took myself back to her office. Once inside we went through the events of last night and what it all ment.
" From what you've told me, it appears to be a PTSD attack. With your dad cornering you and us opening wounds yesterday I'm not entirely surprised that it happened." She told me and I nodded as I picked at my cuticles. " Nix, remember when we first started talking and I had you keep a journal to write down when these happen so we can review them together. Or write letters to those who are affecting you then burn them later after we read them?" She asked me and I nodded. " Good. I want you to do it again. You clearly have mixed feelings, old and new." She said,
" Okay... do I have to come everyday?" I asked and Altha shook her head.
" Only if you want to. You are healing, old and new wounds. I want you to decide how hands on you and me need to be. You aren't alone Nix." She told me and I gave a small smile then nodded, getting to my feet so did she, wrapping my arms around her she hugged me back and kissed my temple. " I'm so proud of the woman and hero you've become Nixie." She whispered and I felt tears roll down my cheeks.
" Thank you Altha..." I whispered before leaving her office and made my way home just as my parents car pulled into the driveway, the kids piled out carrying their bags making me smile. Waving I disappeared into the backyard sitting down carefully on the rusted swing set, closing my eyes I rocked back and forth hearing the chains cried and creak as I swung.
" Can I sit with you?" My dad's voice asked and I nodded. " I'm sorry about last night lily... I didn't mean to push you so far..." He whispered.
" Daddy..." I whispered.
" Let me finish. I knew that you were in a dark place and I was afraid. I was afraid it was going to get as bad as it was before. I never told you but it physically hurt me to comfort you in your weakened skeleton state, I wasn't judging you caring Phoenix's blanket, I was afraid you were going to relapse. I was afraid that this time I was gonna lose my baby girl. You were my saving grace... The day you were born I realized that I wasn't a monster, the day you were born in the living room, in the pool your mother, she wanted me to name you, and when I asked why she said ' She is your daughter Aster. Name her.' so I named you Nixie, and then she wanted me to hold you and you were fussy and all she said was to sing to you." He said, his voice wavering. " You were my rock, you showed me a side of myself I thought had died." He said placing his hand on my thigh and I placed my hand on top of his.
" Thank you daddy..." I whispered. " I'm sorry that I scared you so bad, but me and Altha are working through it, and I'm going to get better. I'll be back to my normal self soon. I know that I'll never be 100% again, but I'm going to try and get close." I said and he chuckled getting up, then pulling me to my feet, I wrapped my arms around him and he did the same then kissed the top of my head. " I love you dad..."
" I love you my lily..." He whispered, we stayed in the backyard for a bit longer, then I went inside and disappeared into my room digging for my old notebook. I needed to get my first letter written down. Finding it I took a deep breath and grabbed a dulling pencil. Sitting down in my window sill again I tucked myself in and began to write.
Date Sep. 7th XXXX
Dear Sol,
It's been five years, twenty-three weeks, and six days since I lost our boy. It's been the toughest years of my life. After I lost my son, I was alone and scared. I felt broken and lost without him. I didn't go to you for comfort because I knew that it was a dead end. I knew that it was a lost cause, but when you had the audacity to come to MY SON'S funeral and say those despicable things to me as I was grieving. When we first started seeing each other, that one date, I would have honestly told someone that I would cry tears of gold for you. I'd sit here poor for you. Collect my pennies and my dimes. I think deep down you loved seeing me devastated at the funeral. You bathed in my weakness because you knew you won. I've been so angry at you, so scared of you, so depressed because of you. And to be honest I'm tired of it. I want to have a new life, I have a new man who treats me a million times better than you ever did, so at the end of the day Sol, all I have to thank you for is my son and even then... He was taken away from me too. I hope that you never forget what you said and did to me, but... I know that wishing that won't bring my son back... so at the end of the day, I need to let you go... I need to leave you, leave who you were and who you are now.
Sincerely,
Nixie Waterman
As I closed the cover to my notebook I slipped it under the pillow that lay in my window sill, then crawled into my bed. Falling asleep no dreams of the past, or of any monsters that my brain could manifest. I awoke with the sun, and for once felt alive again. This morning I took the kids to school, helped my mom around the house, cleaned up the back yard with my dad, then went and picked up the kids from school. I helped cook dinner with my dad, and laughed when he wrestled Bakugo out of his kitchen. For the first time in a while I felt at home, felt okay, felt normal.
The days were easier and I had less dreams as my notebook filled with letters to Sol. Then about day 16 I sat in my room looking at a photo of Taishiro and myself. It was one with us at the beach. I was in a more revealing bikini, it was his hero colors and he wore swim trunks smiling at the picture. I let out a small sigh, then went digging through my window sill to find my notebook. This was a letter I'd be taking back to Japan with me. This is the letter I'm going to give to him to explain some of my past, and thank him for the best month of my life.
Date: September 16th XXXX
Dear Taishiro,
I want to thank you for the best month of my life. Every date we have gone on has been a blessing. I also want to thank you for being so kindhearted and understanding about the whole America situation. So, with all that being said I think I'm comfortable telling you about my last partner... he was and still is a greedy egotistical dickhead who could care less about anyone but himself. We met in high school and I'll admit with raging hormones and me being 16 I wasn't the smartest girl. We hooked up once and it just went downhill from there. So you staying by my side regardless, after everything... you stayed... so thank you. And remember... When you're down and you feel low, when your world starts to crumble, when you think that there's no hope...I got you! When the days feel long and the nights get lonely.When your sky goes dark and the rain starts pouring...When the walls cave in and you need somebody, I got you! I would take a bullet, give my life in a second, if it came down to it. Sacrifice anything to see the light in your eyes, I swear I'd do it.When you're down and you feel low, and you feel low...When your world starts to crumble. When you think that there's no hope, that there's no hope. I got you!
Love,
Nixie Waterman
Closing my notebook I shoved it under my pillow then left my room I heard the kids yelling and as I walked down the stairs I heard them playing one of my old games sitting down on the couch I watched as they shoved each other and their competitive side showed more.
YOU ARE READING
Lilium canadense
FanfictionAfter the Kamino incident, Nixie tries to make everyday life in Japan, deepening her feelings with the BMI hero Fatgum, when Kaori shows up on her doorstep with the number 2 hero in the middle of the night, she knows it can't be good. Having to flee...
