Diary~

16/5/2023 11:03

Today we had shoot.. me and my sis.. the people really didnt like me. i can tell it.. my sister kept on including me in stuff and like they didnt like it.. whenever she recommended me, (prolly because i was infornt of them and my mother and sisters were with me) they were like 'i dont think so but if you say so' that kinda face you know.. anyways im just relieved it just ended.. i was so nervous that i sweated to the point where my whole pant was wet.. i almost thought i pissed myself but then turns out it was sweat WALLAH!! anyways.. I will do my best and prove them wrong.. 

Today my mom had a new student who wanted to learn maths.. she seemed to have something in similiar to me.. i wont say that it is tooo similair but the feeling.. i know how it feels to be left out when your family is enjoying and you just hear them laughing and you smile.. just for a second.. then you realize how lonely you are.. you just cant seem to heal it.. sometime i feel like it a wrong thing to feel like that.. i think you'll call it jealousy..? But ill be honest.. idk if its because they dont know how i feel or if its because they dont care.. the camera man and the other guy that came in for the shoot.. they were pretty mad and done with me.. but thankgod they didnt show it even ig they did... we had two languages malayalam and english.. even though malayalam is my mother-tongue its kinda hard to do it... my sister.. she chose english and since she the main person i had to give it up.. i regret it now.. anyways doing malayalam was soo difficult i just had to film 4 courses but ended up filming only 1.. my sister she did all 4 but they insisted on taking on more shot of the last one.. and INFRONT OF ME.. they kept keeping me out even though they could've gave me some space in their talk.. ignored me and made me feel like a weird person.. ISTG I REALLY WANTED TO CRY! but no... I WONT BREAK DOWN EASILY.. i still have shots to go.. ill make sure i get thru.. in the mean time i have camps and other stuff.. I have started taking care of myself.. even though i dont do it often, ill make sure to do it whenever i can.. I also wanna be more good.. like you know.. be grateful to your creator and stuff.. But its really difficult considering me.. i have this habit to procastinate.. things that i dont usually procastinate is reading, watching stuff, listening to music.. I sometimes even procrastinate sleeping and eating.. and even praying.. Im basically a bad person at this point.. like i dont take care of myself or am i grateful for anything.. you know, the people that came to shoot, they paid us.. 3000 rupees.. my sister was the one that recieved it.. and my sister being the good person she is, told me she will give me the half.. i was like gimme it before tomorrow.. and she was like i wont give it to after a few moments.. i get her.. because im such an ass.. but still i hate the fact that im the one that had the hardest time but she was the one that got paid... i dont know why but tears are welling up rn.. I hate this.. the song people by libianca is.. i dont know it makes me cry.. if i share this to my mom, she will prolly say im jealous.. im not jealous.. its just unfair.. that.. i know i dont have the potential but please treat me right.. okay? i have a diary.. but its really diificult to write down... after writing for soo long my hands hurt.. one time i was too fustrated and angry and dissapointed in mom that i had the fuel to write a looong 5 or maybe 6 two sided page.. I really wanted to die that time.. i dont know why but my mom is always extra strict with me.. Like we wear shawls and scarfs (yUS! IM A MUSLIM!!).. if my sister is not consiouse, she not much bothered.. but if its me, she goes like you dont wear scarf in public.. your soo westernized.. she says all the stuff like this.. i hate it.. anyways.. i dont give a heck about it.. but today to the guys that came to shoot today, my mom told them that it was yesterday night that i started learning the script.. WHAT BOUT MY SIS?? SHE TOO STARTED IT YESTERDAY- no SHE STARTED TODAY! She didnt even go through half the hell i went thru.. I stayed up till 11:10 when she was snoring writing and reading those difficult scripts and even calling my dad who is living in SAUDI ARABIA whereas I live in INDIA.. 
have you ever felt the need to die? its actually not good in my religion but i have it.. i used to have it often but now im blank these days resulting in my zoning out thinking about something bout nothin.. i dont know why.. One thing i hate it hurting your loved one.. i dont care if that person cries.. but if the reason is me, then yes.. It will hurt me too.. My dad, My father is everything.. I'll be honest i felt more bond with him.. I really miss him.. I really do.. I wish we could be together but circumstances wont let us.. He does stuff without help.. even though he may do all that, he still doesnt cook tho LOL but ill be honest it is because of him we are in heaven.. it is because of him we are here right now.. It is because of him we are who we are.. I'll be more honest here.. i hate my mom's attitude towards me.. she is sooo on the edge these days.. maybe because she si stressed.. but i hate that attitude.. my mom has cried alot infornt of me... but no.. it didnt hurt me.. it was only once.. i remember.. that i cried.. and thinking about i still am upset and disappointed.. i really dont know.. I really am worthless you know..like my dad is trying to make money.. he is giving a flat on rent which he took on rent.. he cleans the flat like his own home.. never hired anyone.. only took us family in cleaning it.. and made changes in the flat and gives each room for rent.. and the stupid landowner has raised the price of the rent aloooot.. the gap of the price before and after is just so-.. I dont know how to digest these stuffs.. i really dont.. anyways my mom.. she is like the idk functioning part in our body or something like that.. she buys stuff and food for us.. she cooks food and does cleaning and teaches kids and goes to training and also does assessment... she is edgy.. you mightve understood why by now..

next is my elder sister.. she has proven herself worthy by studying the hardest anyone can and her ambition is to become a doctor.. her reality of her reaching the dream is like 'i can reach it.. its just a bit more.. i will manage it' but the next moment she just loses everying.. she is now teaching kids.. as part time.. and is also earning money.. today a new student came by and my mother was supposed to take the kids in but she gave the kids to my sister.. she too is worthy..

next is my younger sister.. she too is making money by advertising.. she recieved 3000 today... she made it.. she earned it.. she too is worthy

and the youngest? she is really smart.. but she is too young to make money.. so she too proved herself worthy..

and me? Im just worthless... i really feel like i should die now.. my dad is losing the flat because of me.. Im just too useless.. i even made dad buy books for 2000 above rupeess.. useless right? i just love reading to death that i even had a fight with my elder sister AND my younger sister.. Dear dad, if you read this, and im still useless.. dont mourn my death if i die.. please dont.. i dont think no one will ever mourn my death.. 

once i was at my aunts and i was soo angry at mom that i said i didnt miss you all... and my mom said we didnt even miss you.. we all were comfortable when you were gone.. 

when we all gathered at my mom's, i was feeling so down that i was sitting in a room by myself. and just then my uncle just came and asked me what i was doing.. i said nothin and he remarked me as selfish.. I reallly dont get people.. I hate them..

(i dont know if ill continue writing this its 12:42 and im going to sleep bye)..thanks Allah btw..