Change

1. Rain

The rain trickled down my window like small rivers. Or tears as I sometimes thought, on the depressing days. Ie. today. The clouds were crying and the sky was a dull gray. I pulled my covers closer to my cold body as wind rattled the windows and whistled through cracks. I was home alone again, mom was out shopping. She always left me, not like she cared though.
I liked the rain, it was way more interesting than the sun. Or maybe that was my perceptive due to the situation I was in, or my mental health. I didn't like it because it was depressing and fit my mood, it just moves, the sun stays still. It's way more fascinating.
"Get a grip and get up" my mind kept telling me. I couldn't seem to move. I was so dysphoric today, I didn't even cry I just lay for an hour staring at the ceiling wishing I was dead. Depression was gnawing at me like a wild animal, it was like I was frozen to the spot and I was struggling and drowning but no one cared and I couldn't do anything.

I finally got the motivation to move and get out of bed. My room was cold, ice seemed to grab my ankles and shoot through my body as my feet touched the wooden floor. I went to grab for my jacket but as I did my arm brushed against my chest, causing me to shudder slightly. I wasn't wearing my binder. I pulled my flannel shirt on and shuffled to the door, pulling it open.
Wind brushed my face and ruffled my hair, which only made me feel more alone, isolated. I sat heavily down on the doorstep and stared at the empty, desolate street, which seemed almost abandoned. Rain fell on my cheeks like tears, and my small skeletal body shivered slightly. I don't know how long I was sitting there, silently crying and staring solidly at the street. It could have been hours or minutes. I didn't have any track of time anymore. Every day was long, and every minute was a drag. More time wasting life, living a way I didn't want to.
Of course nothing got better, I was clinically diagnosed with depression, but my mom, being the complete freak and hippy, rejected the anti depressants they offered, complaining they were 'bad for my body' and 'in no way useful' so now I sat everyday dreading everytime I'd wake up.

I felt a small warm breeze on my leg and looked up to see a cat, it's green eyes staring into mine. It meowed and brushed it's wet fur against my leg lovingly. It's whiskers were dripping with water and it's ears were pricked cautiously up. Of course, it was the wild cat I had be-friended over the past year. Cookie. Cookie meowed again and hopped onto my lap, snuggling into the pit of stomach. I stroked her calmly and smiled slightly. Cookie was my only friend, and the only one who actually comforted me in my time of need. It was although she could smell my anxiety and sadness. She made me happy. My stepdad always gave me stupid nicknames like 'crazy cat lady' or 'mad old cat kid'. I didn't care to be honest, as long as Cookie was here I knew things would be okay, or turn out that way anyway. It distracted me from my troubles, and made some of the pain go away. I suddenly didn't feel alone anymore. Mom wouldn't let her move in because she was allergic to cat hair, but Cookie would always hang out in the garden and come in through my bedroom window when I called her. Mom always wondered why she would sneeze every now and then.

Moms car pulled into the drive way, and I hauled myself off the doorstep; pulling Cookie around my shoulders, where she rested contently. Mom slammed the door closed, being hauled down by shopping bags, and nodded towards the door, where I entered and placed Cookie on the cold stone floor. Mom entered the kitchen, nearly tripping over Cookie in the process.
"Jake why were you sitting on the doorstep in the rain? I told you to stay I bed, you'll get ill." She mumbled, her car keys still dangling from her mouth. I leant down to pet Cookie,
"I'm bored of staying in bed, it makes me feel lonely."
Mom slammed her keys down on the counter, making me jump,
"WHAT have I told you about letting that cat in here-" she sneezed suddenly, "Please, Jake I-" she made her way to the table as Cookie shot from under my arms and almost tripped her up,
"FOR FUCKS SAKE JAKE I SWEAR-" she shouted, pausing to sneeze again, "RIGHT JA-GET THAT THING-" Cookie screeched and scratched her shoe, "ELIZA GET THAT THING OUT RIGHT NOW"
I jumped up, "I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCKING CALL ME THAT"
"MAYBE IF YOU DID AS YOU WERE TOLD I'D BLOODY USE IT" she screamed at me, trying to kick Cookie away.
"I DONT NEED TO EARN MY NAME IT IS MY NAME, YOU DONT EVEN TRY TO USE IT" Tears ran down my cheeks.
"MAYBE I FORGET, ITS NOT AS EASY AS YOU THINK"
"IVE BEEN JAKE FOR LIKE 9 YEARS!"
Mom stopped shouting and stared at me. I noticed her cheeks were slightly wet, she looked almost shocked as she realized how long it had been.
"El- Jake I'm - I'm sorry okay. I'm just stressed-" she grabbed my wrist as I tried to leave.
"Mom STOP! I'm sick of this, it's been so long and you don't even accept me!" I cried, picking up Cookie and pulling away from her grasp.
"I-I do honestly, it's just hard, and I lost your father and I just. Jake please."
"Save it for later when I feel I don't feel like stabbing myself." I stalked away cuddling Cookie close to me and crying into her damp fur.

A/N: So here's the first chapter. I hope it's not too bad. For each chapter I'll do a theme of pictures of cats, boys with blue hair and cute girls. But if I feel like it I'll put a song on the chapter. Jake is a FtM Trans Boy who came out at the age of 8 as Jake. His birth name was Eliza and his father died when he was only 11. The next chapter will be up soon (: - Aaron