Chris pov:
Every time we're at school, all I think about is, would anyone notice if I disappeared? I don't really know. My classmates are a bunch of morons. Except for two classmates. Lucy my
sweet heart. She has brown hair, which is topped with the rest of the blonde. Maybe she overweight, but she's the perfect for how she is.
Lucy pov:
I came to class and saw my friends. When the class started i was thinking about me talking to the theropist i didn't know how to tell her that inside im dying, i was scard of disopointig my parents, not getting in high School. In that moment i felt a prezence in the room like someone or something is watching me. As i turne around i look at Chris and i notice on his face that he can fell it too.
Chris pov:
I love that feel when i made myself bleed. Most people throw away all their ex's stuff after a breakup, but I don't do it, I have crabs with memories in a drawer under my bed, actually, those memories are things given to me by people who then destroyed me. I also have the initial of the person's name on my arm or leg. Every time I come home, I wish I wasn't home. At that moment, I have a song called TV by Billie Eilish in my head. Every time I bleed, I have it in my head too, along with the sentence I'm sorry, but I'm not human anyway I am a problem. Maybe i am a problem. Maybe would be when i wrapped it up. I don't what to do. Maybe i should get some sleep.
I just wanna end this.
Next day
Chris pov:
I hate school. Not just because of learning, but classmates. This is a chapter in itself. I fucking hate them.
But there are 2-3 people who are cool.
Lucy and Josi (she always wanna be call this). My two friends. And then there's my brother Hunter we are not real brothers, but we love like brothers. He know that he can trust me. And the number of people flowing is getting smaller and smaller. You don't know who you can trust. Then, when a person confides about his feelings, they either laugh or use it against him later or do not take them seriously.
Every night I can't sleep thinking about myself here in a bathtub that fills with blood, tears and mixes with water. I love the rain. Rain to escape the world, I feel safe in it, as if everything is fine. Outside, the storm is the perfect time to go outside. I love it especially when you are in a field or near a forest and with rain it is like a dream come true. I don't need anything more. I don't have to think about anything. All the mess I have is going away at that moment. The head is then clean. Like never before. And human is happy. It's the best free therapy you can get. You don't feel emotions. They are simply turned off. You feel only freedom and relief. Like a river of blood running down your hands. It's pretty similar, except for the pain, which can't be compared. Everything that happens in the rain, in the storm, is up to you and it's your business. It's something that no one talks about and tells you what to do. You can just relax, sing, scream or dance, it's up to you. No one is talking to you . It's your business, it's all your business. Just be free. Don't let anyone too broke that. You deserve it.
Yesterday
Chris pov:
Every time i eat something i feel fuck disgusting. Like am fat. In that moment i feel soo bad. Am soo lucky i have Somebody like is Lucy. She is my best (but don't worry Hunter you are my best too you to Josi). After school when i go "home,, in the tramway was lady and on her hand i can see her scars. I that moment everything i wanna do was say" i am soo sorry,, and big hug. But i was scared.
I can feel the pai that she experienced. And the sight of those children (it was probably kindergarten) who do not understand why she has them is indescribable.
When i wanna die i just eat something like too night i eat whole salad cucumber, potatoes with fish and tartar sauce. I think my body is fat bit Somebody say that's not true maybe is not true but the fact is my body is disgusting. There are scars and fat all over the body. There are specks on my stomach. My back is round. Isn't that disgusting? Yes it is. I'm not saying that my problems are something extraordinarily real, compared to others, that's nothing. "Then why are you stuffing it here?" Because I don't have money for therapy and this is free. I honestly don't expect anyone to read this, and if anyone do, I'm so sorry.
Yesterday when i was in Tesco men who work in the store say something that gonna be in my head forever he say:,, the scars on your right hand never gonna cavr up, i know that because i have scars on my left han. "
I feel sad for him, i wanna hug him.
But i don't do that. And now am sad about that i don't hug him.
23.7. 2023
Chris pov:
School is over there is summer holiday, but for my i feel like nothing change. I know i can't go to school. I feel like is nothing in my body. I don't go out. I am in bed and sleep. Sleep is something that i need but i can't sleep. I don't know why but maybe is that i have my head full. My head is dark please. I am lost in dark for long time and am style here. I an not good on telling other my feelings. Is hard for my. I know it sounds like bullshit, but is true. When someone ask my what i like i say music, drawing, rain, water, blood, go out whet is raining, forest, and other things. But when they ask what is my favorite something, i am like i don't have favorite things i just have things i like. Is summer and you have scars, very bad combo. People look at you like you are monster or something like that.
I just feel like pieces of shit and i look like that. It look like i have no problem talking about my feelings, but i can't. I wanna murder my feelings.
I want back the days when I was realy happy. But they are gone forever.
I feel like I am nothing and problem. Maybe is that true. Everything just getting worst and worst. Maybe it is time to leave before.
November 16:
Soo I am live stile. But I cut my thigh.
Probably I never gonna understand what I always doing wrong and what is wrong with me.
