Only You

Chapter 23

Not much else was discussed that day. Declan left after a few minutes, not without more than a few reminders to text that evening when I went to bed. We decided that at some point in the next week we would plan a night with everybody and would tell them as well. As much as he hates the thought of them grieving the murder of their friend instead of the suicide, he ultimately agreed that they deserve the truth. It will also be more than a little helpful to have more than one person brainstorming ways to end the era of a murderous father. That night in the shower I felt lighter than I had in weeks. The guilt was still heavy on my shoulders but with the light of a new purpose I could finally take a deep breath. I can plan. I can execute. I can deliver. This is something that I can put the full force of my determination into. No longer will I be floating, lost with no idea where to go. I will hold my father responsible for his action, freeing myself in the process. And maybe, just maybe, I can hold onto the people that I have grown to love. I am realistic in the idea that when its all over and done, they still will never want to see me again. But if not, then I can build a new family, and with that thought I went to bed smiling for the first time in a long time.

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"Sorry I've been MIA" I say nervously standing at the end of the usual lunch table. I shuffle my feet awkwardly trying not to run away from the six pairs of eyes looking at me all varying in emotion from annoyance, to indifference, to curiosity. "Do you mind if I sit?" I question as the silence stretched on. It was Declan that pushed his chair over and pulled up another one, patting it while looking up at me with a smirk. He was certainly enjoying himself. I had been missing for the last month and a half, and I'm not really sure what they think happened. I smile unsurely and sit in the seat, that is to the left of Johnny. The awkward silence only stretches on, becoming more and more unbearable.

"I'm sorry," I say finally looking up, trying not to look directly in any of their eyes. "I know I disappeared and that was not very nice"

I hear a snort from Landon as he rolls his eyes and continues to eat his food. I nod my head a little, knowing that this was the likely reaction. If I were them I would certainly be pissed too. I pushed on though, using Declan steady gaze on my face as an anchor.

"I would really appreciate it if you guys would allow me to explain myself. It's not exactly something that I am comfortable with talking about here, but I'm not working Saturday and was hoping that we could...talk." I say, a little breathless by the end. Most of the eyes have softened a little by this point and most are nodding. Landon still looks a little put out, and Lily looks like she wants to cry. I give her a small and apologetic smile.

"Of course Ron-Ron," Johnny says, smiling at me in an unbearably understanding way, and rubs my shoulder in a supportive gesture. I smile at him and feel tears prick my eyes. I nod my head and apologize once more. With that conversation seems to carry on again. A lot more reserved than usually, but the effort was there.

"Where to for this mystery meeting then," Johnny says, his usual excitement coming out. I smile softly.

"Mine," Declan says rather abruptly, like he was trying to beat me to whatever my response was. I nod my head lightly and watch as agreement follows around the table.

"Pineapple pizza anyone," Johnny says causing a genuine smile to return to my face, and exasperating sighs to run across the table. With the tension reduced a little bit, I am able to relax my shoulders a fraction and sit back in my seat. I feel someone tentatively grab my hand, and I look over to see Declan giving me a small smile. He squeezes my hand gently and then lets go, grabs a granola bar and hands it to me. I take it giving an appreciative smile and return my attention back to the antics of Johnny as he works hard to include me any chance he gets. The rest of the week passes with awkward and somewhat forced conversations with everybody except Johnny and Lily, and interestingly enough Declan. Johnny is Johnny, and I don't think anyone could damper his mood, and Lily seems to have been looking for any sign that I wanted to be her friend. She expressed to me that she was a few days away from climbing into my bedroom window and making me be her friend again. Apparently Declan's reassurances to everyone that I did not want to talk to them didn't alter her determination. And with Declan we have moved back into our old routine. We meet in the library and he helps me with math homework, while I bombard him with all of my favorite quotes from books we're reading in english class. He may look annoyed but I still see the small flash of excitement when I throw my book down and show him what I found. Sleep is difficult to find as Saturday gets closer. But with each night is a happy reporting text to Declan saying that James is still not around.