Erasing the false Hope

What Happened

My mom named me Amber-Leigh Hope when I was born. She told me that she named me that because I gave so much hope in her life. Now, as I am lying in bed I am wondering how much more hope I had left to bring her.....

*4 days later*

I suddenly woke up and groggily opened my eyes . My first glimpse of this place was bright. I felt like I was being interrogated trapped in a room that contains nothing but myself and the little hope I thought I had left for my mom. As my eyes got adjusted I realized where I was....

"Great now what happened?" I tried to squeeze out and, as soon as I did I immediately regretted it. A sharp pain hit me in my neck.

"OH!!! I am so glad you are alive. I was so worried that my little Aleigh was gone." said my mom in a hushed tone yet it was almost dyeing for support not to break into a million pieces.

"Why are- are we here-" I had to stop. I could not talk. It hurt to much. All I wanted to ask is 'why are we here, only you and me?', but I didnt have enough strength in me.

"Shhhhhh......." my mom said in a soothing tone. She always knows how to get me to listen and stop struggling for help. "Where you going to ask why we were here?"

I struggled to shake my head yes. I still could not figure out why my neck hurt so bad. What had I done? After I had finally figured out a way to communicate with my mom with out having to strain my neck, I said yes.

"Amber-Leigh..." I knew it wasnt going to be good news as soon as she said my real name. She always calls me her Aleigh. "I dont know how to put this in a nicer way but-" she started crying, and between sobs she managed to say, "Your-Cancer- Came- Ca- me -Back!"

I was so confused. I have never had cancer. Why would it come back if I never had it? Then I had remembered a science project we did last year in 6th grade. When you have any type of cancer they will try and do Chemo if it gets bad enough.   One of the side effects of Chemo is loosing you hair. So I slowly worked my hand up to my head. When I finally got up to the top of my head I felt.... Nothing! NOTHING! That means I really do have cancer. It didnt take long until I had started to have a knot in my throught. I tried to hold back tears but it did not work, I was short of breath. The whole room around me stared me down. The room seemed to get smaller and smaller and smaller until there was nothing left. It was just me. In a field of nowhere. I screamed for help but it seemed as if no one could hear me. I screamed again. This time I heard a voice.

"Amber-Leigh Hope, you are wanted here. We all miss you. Will you come join us? All you have to do is let go of every consciousness and walk into the light. It will be a happier place up here. You wont feel pain." I recongnized the voice. It sounded so familiar. I just couldnt figure it out.

"Who are you?" I asked the voice with no body

"Your future self...."

"So if im me and your me.... who are we?" I asked

"That would not even matter. Just come up here. Its simple. Try. Hold your breath until you cant any more. When it is all over you will have nothing to fear. You will be our hero, our love, our HOPE"

I wanted to. So badly. Infact I tried to. I had let go. Held my breath for what seemed like hours. I had felt pain, but not in my neck. It was in my lungs. A almost sweet burning sensation. I loved it. Then I thought about what I was doing. I could not follow through with it. I had my mom. You know what they say 'No pain, no game.'

"I cant!"  I yelled "I have to much to loose" and just like that, It was as if I had tried to loose all consciousness, again, and failed, miserably. I felt like I was thrusted back into my body

"SHE IS COMING BACK! I CAN FEEL A PULSE, but its weak! WE NEED HIT HER WITH THE DEFIBRILLATOR AGAIN!"

I felt a weird tingling sensation in my chest. Then it started to burn. Almost like getting shot.

"SHES GOT A STRONG PULSE! TAKE IT AWAY! NO MORE! NO MORE!"

But it was to late... I felt a hard fist clenching pain in my chest.

"AAHHHHHHH!" I screamed in agony. I was a hot stove waiting for the cookies to burn. The doctor finally came in and said I was all clear, then he took an x-ray of my chest while I was still screaming in pain.

"I am afraid that we could have broken a rib. We are going to have to keep her in intensive care, but due to her irregulator heart rythem and nurse, tend to her for her broken ribs due to the chest compressions." said the doctor that had worked with me previousley.

Then that is when it hit me. Every thing that has happened. I had first awoken from having Thyroid surgery trying to get rid of the cancer.Then I had had a panic attack from having Chemo and loosing my hair. I was really close to death when I had me the 'future me'. I am pretty sure I just lived 20 minutes in heaven but more severe and complicated. Will my mom be waiting for me as I go into intensive care and show her the last little bit of hope I might have left..... I just want to die a hero for her. Not just some kid with cancer that fought a long hard battle. I am more of a person than that. I have lived 13 years and I will live 13 more.