Soaring

Chapter 11

After the call with Jack the other day, I filled out papers to be on his visitation list before I leave. Well due to my extenuating circumstances, they prioritized my visitation. So I get to go see Jack today. I'm even allowed to hug Jack. I'm so excited.

The main thing is that I'm not allowed to take any luggage, and I have to wear school-appropriate clothing. So my clothing must be up to my collar bone, not skin tight, no skin showing, things of that kind of nature. Nothing flashy at all.

I can live with that though. I miss the man I look at as my big brother. That will always be more important to me than some stupid dress code. So I'll follow some dress code that I feel is sexist to be able to go see one of my favorite people like ever.

Eventually, I throw myself in my car and begin down the road. Knowing the drive is an hour away and I can enjoy the drive knowing I get to see Jack soon. Maybe if I could just talk some sense into him he'd just remember who he is without her.

If maybe he listens to me, I can go to bed and rest easy at night. Knowing the person I care about is safe and sober. Being cared for as he deserves. Being able to live his life knowing that he's enough without having to have some girl tell him so.

The drive feels like an entire movie type of longevity. As if I just sat through a movie I didn't hear or understand a single word of. The entire drive I felt as if everything around me were a blur. As if it all passed by me without me seeing it.

There should have been so many memorable things I presume. Though I don't remember a single part about it. All I could think about is when I get to the prison... Will he look like I remember him looking at his sentencing last that I saw him?

Or will he look completely different? Will he look like someone else? Will his hair be shaggy like it always gets after a few months, where his bangs fall into his face? Or will he be clean-cut as he was in court a year ago in July when I last saw him?

So many questions I have. Is he seeking therapy like I hope he is? When he's working is it possible that he thinks about all of his regrets, and how he hurt his family in the long run? When he gets out will he change his ways?

Or will he just become the same person he was before he got locked up? Will he go back to the same mistakes and the same bad habits as before? He tells me every time he makes a mistake that he loves the family, but if he loves the family he would quit putting us all through hell.

What if when I see him, he's changed so much that I don't recognize him? Not in a physical sense, but mentally. What if he became a different person? If he doesn't act like the same person and doesn't want to be Jack.

The same Jack I know anyways... The Jack that would come hang out with me and play sports. Jack that would protect me at all costs. Be the same jack that made sure that I ate if I had no food at all. The same Jack that I grew up with.

I need him to be that same Jack, but... What if being that same Jack means that he can't get better and I'm living in a fantasy world... I need him to be the older brother figure I grew up with but what if that isn't what's best for him anymore?

So many what-ifs that one visit just can't answer. I have way too many questions that can't be answered just today. Once I reach the prison, I try to wipe away all of my thoughts and just try and focus on what Jack needs. How he needs support.

Life isn't about Jack anymore. Nor is it about me. It's about getting him better and getting Jack back to his kids. Jack has two kids with his ex-fiance, but he's not present in their life due to his drug abuse. Their mother is also a drug abuser.