Soaring

Chapter 12

       After my visit to the prison, I had too much time to think before hitting the road again. Today I'll be doing my final Ohio show. The show is in Warren.

I realized a lot of toxic problems around me. Typically, I would ignore the issues and blame myself for everything. It's something I've always done. Pretend nobody else is the problem, that it's always me. That I'm a toxic person so I don't feel like I have to rid myself of anyone.

So I felt that they needed to rid themselves of me. For some twisted reason, I always felt like if more than one person in your life is a narcissist in your eyes... It meant that you are a narcissist. Because it's impossible to deal with more than one in one personal circle or friend group.

All I want in my life is to have a strong inner circle and a good support system. I refused for so long to think that I was not the problem. If I wasn't the problem, then my feelings were valid. If my feelings were valid, then I can sleep at night knowing it is not my fault.

The reason I was always afraid to admit that my problems are not my fault, is because it means that I was treated as gullible and susceptible. I can't imagine admitting that.

I don't want everyone else around me to be the problem. I want to believe in the people around me and trust them unconditionally. Just like I love the people around me. I do so unconditionally and without judgment or hostility. I just want to create my own family.

That's been my ultimate goal for some time now. I want to be able to keep everyone else around me happy. Make my family consist of not only blood family but people I love like family as well. If I keep the family I have now I feel more sane.

I've had people like Bruno and Tyler in my head for so long saying that I'm crazy. That I do nothing but complain. So of course I believe it. That venting is wrong and that I shouldn't allow myself to feel anything but empathy for others because other's feelings are more important.

I can't remember the last time I looked forward to the next day rather than dread it. Every day carried a whole suitcase of baggage. Not one with wheels that is easy to roll around either. One that must be carried on my shoulders like carry-on luggage. Like a bag of heavy rocks

My life had become miserable because of the people around me. When I'm alone, I feel relaxed and happy for the most part of the day. However, I have lingering anxieties all day long about people walking into my personal space without my permission to cause problems.

That's something people always do in my life. Walk into my personal space to tell me about the mistakes I've made throughout the day. Or to tell me the things that I did that made someone else in the house uncomfortable. Causing more dramatics than was necessary for me.

I genuinely think that people see me as an easy target. As someone that they can easily walk all over, that they can easily push over. Because I avoid drama and conflict as much as I possibly can. So they assume that they can say and do whatever they want to me.

Once I get up for the day, I do not touch the food that Makayla bought. As I've been noticing a lot of her toxic behaviors around me since we began living together two years ago. Treating me as if she owns me and having consistent attitudes without reasoning.

As well as the fact that Makayla always lies to me. She had told me that she and Mario broke up, then I found out last night that they were only on a break for the last few months. Meanwhile, Makayla was telling him he can't sleep with anyone else, but Makayla was sleeping around for money.

Makayla also told me that she believes that Mario cheated on her with me as well as our mother. Due to Mario laughing at jokes, we had said in the past. As these things were happening, I can't help but wonder if Makayla was the problematic one in the relationship. Not Mario.