Her

Is it happening? Yes, yes it is.

"No. It cant be happening. THIS cant be happening."

I had to take care of my siblings today. My age diffrence with my brother was 6 years and 8 with my sister. So I was taking care if them today and was shouting at them allot. Like allot. I really want to be a mom one day. So since my age difference with my siblings is this much I like to see it as a kind of practice you know? Where I test my caretaking skills with them.

So today I first of all screamed really loud...Yeah don't ask why but long story short we were looking for something to watch and I saw a new season of my favorite show was out and I screamed. Like I SCREAMED. Bursted their eardrums. Both of them started crying and I had first then realised what I had done. I started comforting and apologising to them both.

A bit before all this I made them cry again. My brother was really hungry and I wouldn't let him eat because we were gonna eat dinner in an hour. He got frustrated and started crying because he had only had 2 meals the whole day. I understood but knew that if they didn't finish their plate my grandparents (they cooked for us this night) would start questioning me and asking if they had anything to eat before that. I would answer yes and I would get blame and fault.

I also noticed that I seem to shout at them allot. My dad makes my siblings cry almost everyday. Every night they sit down to do homework together. My dad, sister and brother. My dad has this thing where he does more than he has to. Like if you tell him to wash the dishes he will start deep cleaning the whole kitchen. But I mean doesn't almost every other Asian parent do this? Just kidding, sorry if I offended you. But my dad would make my siblings study aggressively. My siblings would get tired and start to tell my dad to stop. He never listened. I think I've honestly just gotten used to the helpless screams and cries from the living room.

But today's experience made me realise something.
I'm slowly turning into my father.
Yes.
My father shouts at my siblings all the time and I DID THAT TODAY. My dad makes my siblings cry all the time and I FUCKING DID THAT TODAY. TWICE EVEN!

I tell myself that i will raise my siblings and treat them like they're my children. Because my parents never do. None of us. I don't want them to frow up with the same trauma I have. I don't want them to grow up knowing if they do one imperfect thing they will get doomed. But I can't help with that. Because if I don't change my ways with them. I will slowly be the one who traumatises them INSTEAD of my dad. And I really don't want that. I have to change my ways. So if anyone out there is reading this. Give me some advice? Please?

I know my past stories have been everything about going through life without a care about anyone else. Well for me my siblings are an exception. I'm like this. I have no one to talk to and bottle everything up until i explode. And that usally happens in the school bathrooms. I want my siblings to be able to talk to me. I want them to have someone to talk to. I want them to have an opportunity for help. But I can't do that if i dont change my ways.

If I'm not there for them. Then who will be?

"Its happening. And i have to change. For them."