Sour Hearts

Chapter 3, Grief

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Self harm, mention of suicide, and blood.

I sat in a cushioned, white bed. It felt clean, it felt safe, it felt comforting. Yet I still felt pain. Today marks day 2 of staying in a hotel in the next town over, since our house had been destroyed. And also the death of Akai. It lingered in my mind like a sour taste. Anytime I was happy, my thoughts where interrupted by the image of Akai's dying face. We hid Akai's body in our car trunk.. it was gross, but.. what else could we do? By now, her family's probably looking for her, and if they found the body.. that would open up a can of worms that we don't want open. My heart goes out to that poor family. I'm sorry for what I've done. Sometimes I wish I could take it back. Other times I don't. Sometimes the pain becomes so extreme that it numbs me. I'm desensitized. I'm empty. I'm sick.

I stared at the blank wall in front of me. Ryuketsu and Neru shared the bed beside me, they where busy ordering food from SnackAttack. I was hungry, but I didn't deserve the satisfaction of eating. Now, the only things I did for fun where either counting my breathes, or doom scrolling through MyTube. Even then it wasnt fun.. more like.. a distraction. A distraction from feeling.

"Yukki?" A voice called to me, it was so soft and sweet, it almost sounded like Akai- my heart skipped a beat as I turned towards disappointment. It was Neru. I think each time that happened, I knew it was Neru. I think it's the hope that Akai might randomly revive herself someday is what keeps me alive. "Yes, Neru?" I said, calmly. "What do you want from Taco Hell?" She sweetly asked, being even more gentle than usual. "Nothing, thank you. I'm not hungry." I looked back to my wall. "You need to eat, Yukki. It's been two days." Ryuketsu said, frustrated. "I'm just not hungry, Ryu. Maybe tomorrow I will be." I knew I would say the same thing tomorrow. Nothing I said could be trusted anymore. I'm not quite sure if I even trust myself at this point.

"You said the same thing yesterday, Yukki. You're eating, that's that." Ryuketsu said, sternly. I really didn't care if I ate. If she says to do something, I'll do it. I don't deserve to make decisions anymore. Look where that landed me; Akai's dead due to my decisions. "Okay." I replied, dully.  Ryu and Neru sighed as they turned back to the phone, selecting a few items. My eyes felt dry from starring for so long, eventually I pulled out my phone and scrolled for a while. I saw memes about wanting to yourself.. I wonder if the people who post them actually wanted to kill themselves. I wonder why. I wonder how. I wonder if I should kill myself. I scrolled past them. I found a cooking video, hosted by a girl with pink hair. My stomach ached. I scrolled. Sometimes I wonder if people really know how it feels to be suicidal. Sometimes I wonder if I actually am suicidal, or if I'm just being dramatic. I continue scrolling. Eventually I got stuck into a thoughtless loop.

Like, read a few comments, scroll.
Like, read a few comments, scroll.
Like, read a few comments, scroll.
Like, read a few comments sc-

Knock knock!

my loop was interrupted by a knock at the door. Ryuketsu got up to answer, and came back with a bag of Styrofoam boxes. The smell was intising. My stomach growled.

"Here ya go Yukki, I know it's your favorite." She tossed over a styrofoam box, and I opened it on my lap. It was my favorite. Palak Paneer, with jasmine rice, and even my favorite dessert on the side, flann. (Although flann doesn't exactly fit the genre of food.) I immediately scarfed down the food, enjoying every single bite. I was so happy.. but I knew I didn't deserve this. I was nearly finished when the guilt hit me like a bus. I set down the nearly empty box, and got up.

"Uhm.. I'm gonna step out for a minute." I muttered, and stepped into the cold winter air. I sighed, watching my breath in the air. I leaned against the railing, placing my head in my hands. Looking down towards the car, I began to tear up. In there, was my pain. In there, was my regret. In there... Was the love of my life. And I killed her.. I literally stabbed her in the back.. I could've done something else.. I could've fixed it. I felt for my phone in my pocket, it wasn't there. ..but my pocket knife was. I pulled it out of my pocket, and twisted it around in my hand, admiring it, debating..

I made a quick, shallow cut on my wrist.

My stomach twisted, although it didn't hurt. But I knew I deserved it. I deserved to feel worse.

I cut again, only this time, deeper, and slower. I winced as I sliced through the flesh. I pulled the knife away, watching the blood drip. For some reason.. I felt the need to make more blood. I took my fingers and pressed next to the wound, making more blood appear on the surface. I heard the door behind me begin to creak open, so I quickly put the knife away and held my hand over the cuts.

    Ryuketsu stepped over next to me. "Hey, Yukki. You doing okay..?" She said, in a gentler voice than usual. My voice shook a bit, "yeah, I'm fine." I looked away from her. "Listen, it's okay to feel bad about what happened. I know it can be traumatic, killing someone that you care about.." she placed a hand on my back.

"How would you know? Ive never heard of you caring about anyone you've ever killed..! You show no remorse or regret, every time I see you kill some one, you.. toy with them." I shuttered. "I.. I can't explain this right now.." she sighed. "Look, I'm going back inside. If you wanna talk later, we can, but you clearly don't want to. All I can say is that I tried, alright?" She walked back inside. I removed my hand, and stared at the cuts.

I walked to the car.