All of My First Crushes

The Chuddy Buddy

It was my 5th birthday party. All of my friends were there surrounding me and we were enjoying the day. There was Sharma uncle and his family, Thakur uncle and his sons , Joshi Ji and who not.
I knew not a single person who was there in that party still it was my birthday party. But it never bothered me then as I was so busy playing with all of them atleast they were all my friends for that day.
I made a new friend in that party . His name was Mohit . He was older than me but we played our hearts out. We became god friends after that.

We used to meet each other in all the official parties and hang around everytime because our parents never bothered us anyway. We played and shared stories all the time. The time when I threw my class mate in the pond and how I was scolded by my mother for not doing my homework , how I annoyed my teachers and everything. He used to tell me how he fought with the guys in his section , how fighting and teasing was considered to be cool and fascinating .
I never understood this one thing how the things our parents taught us changed by time . When they told us we should not be fighting or god will punish us or we should not steal anything. But when we went to school it was like of you don't stand up for yourself you will be bullied for life, people will consider you weak.
Everything changed as we grew old. But one thing was constant in my life that was Mohit. He was there always whenever I wanted to play , go for a competetion to dad's office or to watch the Indian premier league. We used to enjoy and share our sorrows.
Even though this friendship was forced upon us by our parents we were still always with each other.
But there was this problem with Mohit he was such an introvert. He never used to say a word about his life , his friends or his days and everything. I was the one talking to him. Slowly slowly I started feeling that I might be forcing myself and my friendship on him . Otherwise how can a person who has been there with ne since childhood never told me anything about this life but was very open to other people around him.
I was scared that I might be irritating and annoying that he wants to get rid of me , that he hates me to such an extent that he feels comfortable with strangers .
It was soon enough when I was 13 years old that I realised it's all in my head. These are all my insecurities regarding him that I don't want to loose him and be away from him. I wasn't able to figure out what this feeling was whenever I looked at hum I used to be happy even when I was thinking that he hates me and all. I used to be content just to see hum smile with his friends and brother.
We were not friends anymore or I suppose it was so what we did whenever we met was hey and hello. I was sad I wanted to talk to him like before . I wanted it to be as normal as it could be those awkward silences haunted me .
Then finally came the time after 2 years that we completely stopped talking. Even when we met , we stayed away from each other as if we never knew each other. That silence was weird I always though he is so reckless and selfish that he can't even say a hey or anything.
I missed him , I longed to talk to him but I didn't . My ego and my conscience never allowed me . I always thought why me . Why should I be the one to say hey ? What if he thought that I am mad about him ? What if he made fun of me ? What if he ignored me further or told my friends?
Finally the long friendship of more then a decade was lost. Lost in my feelings for him , I sneaked glances at him but always made myself believe that it's just a fluctuation and I am sick or something that I have such feelings.
Soon I moved on . I will always remember hum as my first crush . I will always remember his smile , the time we shared as friends.
It's weird right how all of a sudden I completely moved on and ignored him further. I gave more priority to my ego than to my friendship.
But I an never forget him.