ˈSoliloquy

V. My Mind is an Army

At this point
it still amazes me
The human mind
How it can shift instantly

Did you know why
I always want to stay close with you?
To never let you go the moment your hands intertwine with mine?

I wanna stay close to your heart
Where I can hear its beat
See your smile and how the crease in your eyes disappear
The way you envelope me with your arms
Like a warm blanket or an oversized jacket

Maybe you'll be surprised when I tell you
That I'm broken into ways you did not know
Well to be fair, no one knows

And never did I dare for anyone to know
Because words will not be enough to describe and fathom
And if you insist for me to rather show
Baby, that would also be a problem because when I'm with you-
It hides and crawls

Because my mind is like an army
Waiting for its perfect time to attack me
When no one sees
When no one hears

Sometimes I almost forgot how
to draw the line
Between empty and full
Healthy and sick
Angry or sad

Mostly it feels like I have this two personality
Don't get me wrong, its not the disease kind
But the other personality I'm talking about
Is the one who only shows when Im alone

That's right

My mind is an army
It has won many other battles for me
But like a double edge sword
It did not recognize-
And also ended up cutting me

So if you thought to yourself
One day or someday
That you are no worth
and hate that you existed

Remember me-

Because you keep me from being engulfed
From being chewed alive
You gave me this space where
I can roam freely
To dance and to jump
Like a little child

I have my faith in the Almighty
And I will never lose it-
I believe that this is just a phase
A challenge and another obstacle in my life
I prayed and prayed and hoped
For this to stop and to end
But it did not

And its fine
I understand
That I need this
That it is essential for me to learn
how to tame my mind

Its okay and I can bear it
Im just still looking for its cure
Over time, I know the right antidote will come
And finally knock my senses really hard

But right now

You are my cure
Temporarily

Because I don't want you to bear
the pressure of having to
always look out for me
I want to find it myself
And cure it using my own two hands

And baby, listen
I never kid myself when I said that
you are my polaris
That you are my home and my rest

Because you really are-
In so many ways

So thank you
For being the wall
That keeps my army
From killing me

Until then
I owe my life to you

Iska

//To my love//