Pitter Patter Of Hearts

Chapter twelve

I feel numb for a good week or maybe two I don't know, I don't count. I think Aarav took it as me processing my rejection but what I'm actually processing is his silence. He did say that he bought a rainpot, and he did say a few things about a girl wanting him but I never expected it to be Laya.

And for a reason I can't quite understand, it hurts, it's making me feel bitter and like a patient, I rot in my bed in the evenings as all my energy goes into pretending as if I'm not feeling what I'm feeling. It's tricky though, because I don't quite understand what I'm feeling.

It rains everyday but my fingers don't jump to pick a pen up, maybe because I now know Varsh likes Laya and he never called me dumb. I didn't know who it was but now, it didn't matter.

I'm barely seventeen anyway, I don't need this figured out. So, I figure something else out. I sit back in the classroom and work on my homework and assignments in my leisure time instead of accompanying Aarav. Varsh stays back as usual but we sit across the room, far away from each other. We don't speak a word, not that he's much of a talker.

And at one point, Aarav seems to understand that I need space. I'm not sure if I need it but his absence spreads like an allergy on my skin. Except I don't want to treat it.

Is it his fault? No. Did he do anything? No. Is it necessary for him to explain everything in his life to me? Not at all. So, I don't know what exactly I'm going through. I just sit back and do my homework and in the evenings, I make reels and post them. Aarav still helps in editing them but I barely respond to him making small talk. Mainly because we're not the small talk type of friends.

We still eat lunch and dinner together, sometimes with our parents but most times without. He tells me about his day, about his new mystery book recommendations that he has on his list, he tells me about how he doesn't use his rainpot anymore and I say, "I don't either, it was stupid."

Because it was, it is. Everything is. Except I don't know what "it" is. I tell him about my new videos, the ones I have scheduled and how I'm saving up money. Neither of us talk about where we're going for college. I think we still have time, so I don't say anything.

But one rainy evening, he's editing my video and I observe everything I've been noticing about him for years: how he chews on his inner cheeks when he's bored, how he cracks his knuckles but I don't find it annoying when he does though I used to in the past, how he makes sure all of my videos are exactly fifty four seconds, how his expression is crumpled into a frown when he's focused on editing, how he balances a pen with his lips twisted in a pout just to look and feel aesthetic, how he's always pigging out on food but how it looks cute now, all of a sudden. As I'm describing him the way I used to describe Varsh, that's when it hit me. That I'm catching feelings for my best friend. Feelings like these should be filling me with love, giddiness but all that creeps up on me is dread.

The dread of a realization that I'm catching feelings for my best friend who's seemingly into another girl. Now I can mean it when sympathizing with Varsh. And that's when the disease catches up to me, the disease of a depressed heartbroken teenage girl. My first ever heartbreak shouldn't have been because of my childhood best friend. And all I can see is how I'm doomed now that I see that the fall just started.